I came across an article some time ago in an on-line newspaper, and now I'm really glad I saved it because I noticed they don't seem to have any archives. the entire article is in the additional entry for those who want to read it. However there is one part of it that really struck a nerve with me and thats what I want to talk about today.
"Heterosexual couples are not automatically good parents."
now please keep in mind this is all about me *s*
one of the things he (the ex) has stated to me in the past regarding why he thinks he will walk away with my kids is this..and I'm quoting him here..
"at least I'm straight"
to which my immediate thought was, 'yea..your point here?'
which I think was..and mind you this is only my opinion..because he is a straight, white, male, and we have 3 boys, that automatically makes him the better parent..
and for no other reason than that..
so now..get this..all the years I spent raising them, taking care of them, hell not to mention giving birth to them..don't count for a thing..
because I'm "not straight" (his words)
oh yea..there's logic there...
that must be why no gay couples are allowed to adopt children..
oh wait a minute, thats not true...
that must be why in almost every case I've found the gay parent loses custody of their kids...
oh wait, thats not true either...
OK folks, help me out here, surely there must be some reason his being 'straight' makes him a better parent..right?
would love to hear your thoughts on this one *s*
Child Custody and Nuclear War
The room was hot. I was facing a hostile attorney and her even more hostile client. He was a divorced father who said he wanted custody of his child. He wanted custody, he said, because his little boy is being raised by Lesbians. I knew it was coming. He couldn't’t help himself. He was going to quote the Bible.
“What they are doing is an abomination in the sight of God. An abomination, the Bible says. Look it up for yourself. Leviticus.”
Yes, my client is a Lesbian. And I’m not going to argue the literal interpretation of the Bible. That has been done many times before by those more eloquent than me. I think the bottom line there is, if Leviticus is taken literally, we must also avoid the abominations of wearing blended fiber clothing and eating shellfish. And, of course, there is the technicality that the verse the irate father had in mind was the one prohibiting a man from lying with another man as a woman, something Lesbianism neatly avoids.
It has been my experience that almost every time sexual orientation has been mentioned in the legal arena it is an emotional non-sequitor. Gayness and Lesbianism are thrown in as an emotional outburst, an attempt to prejudice the judge or jury. Rarely is sexual orientation by itself relevant to the case at hand even in divorce and child custody cases.
The law of child custody in Oklahoma, as in all the other jurisdictions, is designed to protect children from harm. There are several issues a judge must consider when awarding custody to one parent or the other. Sexual orientation of the parent is not one of them. The judge must consider, however, things like the following:
1. Can the child be placed with a parent? This is always considered before giving custody to a grandparent or other relative, or a foster home.
2. Has the child been subjected to abuse? The physical safety of the child is paramount.
3. Has the child been exposed to inappropriate sexual behavior? The key is whether the sexual behavior is inappropriate for the child’s age. Kissing and hugging are not usually inappropriate. The fact that Mommy or Daddy has a boyfriend or girlfriend is not relevant, if they keep sexual activity totally removed from the knowledge and presence of the child. It is also not necessary that the non-custodial parent approve of what the ex-spouse does in private.
4. Has the child been subjected to inappropriate conversations. This can run the gamut, but usually manifests itself by one parent bad-mouthing the absent parent. If Daddy tells the kid Mommy is an evil sinner, for example, the court could determine that Daddy needs to be supervised when he has visitation.
The latest sociological studies have shown that children thrive in same sex families. The American Academy of Pediatrics has publicly stated that in same-sex families, the co-parent should be allowed to adopt the child. Pediatric specialists say there is no disadvantage to a child growing up in a gay or lesbian home. There is no scientific data to show they have any special problems. The child’s emotional and cognitive development is just like other children.
If there is any difference in the children of hetero homes and the children of same-sex parent homes, it is that the children in Gay and Lesbian families tend to be more tolerant of diversity. Dr. Ellen C. Perrin, MD, a professor of pediatrics at Tufts New England Medical Center in Boston is a consultant to AAP. She is quoted in WebMD saying, “The children also seem to be less aggressive, more nurturing at a young age—in preschool and early elementary school. They seem to be able to resolve conflicts in a less aggressive way than other children.”
The fear of a hetero parent that his/her child is being raised in a gay household is that they will grow up to be gay. Perrin says there is no proof of this. She acknowledges that both environment and genetics seem to be involved in gender identity. However, she cites two long term studies that show that gay families don’t produce more gay kids than families with both male and female parents.
Another factor that Oklahoma state law declares should be considered by the judge in a custody case is what the child wants. The judge should ask the child where he or she wants to live, if the child is old enough to understand the question.
So, custody should be determined on the basis that the law has traditionally held on the highest plane: what is best for the children. Gays and Lesbians do not automatically lose custody of their children under the law. Heterosexual couples are not automatically good parents. Attorneys for glbt parents should isolate the real issues for the court and present the evidence to show that staying in the household with the same sex couple could be in the child’s best interest.
shot in the dark here...but has it ocurred to you that your ex's comments could very well be that he feels totally emasculated at the thought that B makes you happier than he did? just a thought.
Well first off gays are allowed to adopt except in Florida that I'm aware of just for the record, however, gays can't adopt but they can be foster parents...there is a web site of a male gay couple in Florida fighting to adopt a child I'd post it but I can't remember the link and I'd have to search...
As far as Jr's comments to you *rolling eyes* trying not "judge" here since I'm turning over a new leaf *S*...
My next door neighbor's wife left him for another woman and he is very bitter about women in general he thinks every woman has an alteraive *however you spell it*, motive in any relationship now and he has custody of his kids and one is an 18 year old girl. He has tried and successed for the most part, to turn them against their mother and refuses to allow her "over night" visitation.
Saying that to say this, Jr. knew you were unhappy for years but he choose to ignore it, blamed it on PMS, bad mood and when the internet came along he found the "culprit". But I think you've been unhappy trying to hide what you've really wanted in your life and now that you've found that happiness with "B" he can't deal with the facts and wants to hurt you because he knows the ONLY way HE can hurt you is through them...
Being gay does not make you a bad person, a bad mother, a bad daughter, and definately not a bad friend. It just makes it "you" just as heterosexual people are what makes them "them". You still love, bleed, think, feel and experience life just like anyone else so even though I'm raised in the church that preaches against homosexuailty, one of my dearest friends is gay and I wouldn't want her to change one thing about herself and that is you T so keep your chin up and know we support you....
The novel is done *S*
Well Miss T you know my views on this so there is no point in going into on it just remember I am here for ya toots and feel in my heart that you will retain custody of your boys. He is as Jamie said, just a sore loser that wants to make your life as miserable as his pathetic little life! You are much bigger than that and will prevail! ;)
Oh yeah, right, straight people make better parents, PULEEZE!! So what of this http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,63860,00.html straight parent, what's the excuse here. It's total BS ... a person's sexual preference has NOTHING to do with the type of parent they are, it's what they are on the inside that makes a parent a "good" one or a "bad" one. PERIOD.
These people are hetero too...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/2270974.stm
Luckily I know enough heteros to know that not *all* hetero people are like that...
[link courtesy of Shelagh]
hmmm... I really tried to think how I wanted to say this before I typed it, but it's all muddled up in my head right now. I think that part of the problem is where you live. OK is not known as a "forward" thinking state. But that still doesn't make Jr the better parent. I think he has shown that he can't be a supportive father, and that in itself is a detriment to those kids. They deserve and need a parent who can be there for them in every way, and you've shown that, in spite of the fact that Jr thinks YOUR sexuality would cause you to be less than a perfect parent *gasp* you ARE the one who can give them that. He, on the other hand, sucks as a parent, in spite of HIS sexuality. (Maybe men ought to be judged on how good they are in bed, instead of the fact that he just sleeps with women!!) Anyway, you make some valid points here... the judge in your case HAS to listen. You call me when this thing goes down, and I"ll be there... Got it?
Hi, I'm new here! (Found you through my referrer log.)
I've read enough of your site to get the feeling that you're dealing with someone (your ex) who is selfish and unreasonable. I hear people say things like he did("At least I'm straight") and I simultaneously want to punch them in the face and bash them over the head with facts and logic.
I'm straight. And so what? I don't have kids, but if I did, is there some sort of guarantee that I'd be a good mother just because I'm straight? That's completely ludicrous. Like someone above said, Madelyne Toogood is straight. So was Hitler. So was Andrea Yates. So was Ted Bundy. So it's extraordinarily ridiculous to bring up someone's sexual preference when gauging how good a parent they'll be.
I will never, ever, ever, for as long as I live, comprehend why people have a problem with homosexuality. I've interrogated many religious people regarding this issue, but they can never give any answer other than "the bible says so." Which is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. The bible also says all good believers shall wear purple tassles on their robes and slaughter animals for sacrifice. I think their real reasons go much deeper, and in your ex's case, I think Cal nailed it best in her comment when she said he probably feels totally emasculated. He probably has no idea how to deal with that, and so lashes out at you.
Anyway, I'm rambling now and will stop. I just wanted to let you know that I'm rooting for you down here in Texas. Take care and don't give up.
Your ex and people like him need a slap upside the head. Sexual preference has nothing to do with parenting. I'm straight, but I'd like to think that I'd be the same parent I am now if that were to change. I'd be the same person inside afterall.