Recently in Court Case BS Category

well, it's happened :cry
I don't really feel like posting, but I have a lot of people who have stood by me publicly and privately during all of this and I feel I owe this to them, and also my heartfelt thank you...it's not much, and if I could it would be more, but right now it's the best I have to offer...

The good news is that we still have joint custody, we agreed on a revised visitation schedule...
the bad news is the boys will still be living here during the school year "at this time" (the judges words) :cry
to say I'm surprised does not even begin to cover it...I would have loved to been a fly on the wall yesterday when they were with him, I can just imagine...

I want to close by saying this...Jet and Speedbump, thank you so much, I don't know how I would have made it through this day without you...you disrupted everything to be here for me today and I can never thank you or repay you enough for that, I love you both more than words can say :hug

those that have been reading for a while know about the issues I have with living where I do, and what happened last year :angry
over the last couple months, I've taken serious steps toward moving out of this town, most know that I've been trying to do this for 3 years now (well, actually longer, but that's another story) the part that sucked is that I wasn't able to do it when I had to move from my other house :sad
so today, he received the notice of my intent to move (click the link above if you don't know what I'm talking about)
I was told if I just 'dropped it' and gave him full custody, he would not go after child support :rofl yea, that will happen...NOT
then I was told that in Oklahoma, my 'lifestyle' was a basis to prove me an unfit mother
ummm...I think this states differently (I can find more, but you get the idea...and yes, this was an Oklahoma case)

so I was then informed that this time, it would be 'for all of it' meaning he would go for full custody...yes, I was expecting that...doesn't mean you're going to win there guy :biglaugha
and don't worry, if I win, I don't want a dime from you...see, it's not always 'about the money' :uhoh3 (again, his words)
sometimes, it's about regaining control of your own life.

I will figure this out.
Apparently, the dick-head I used to be married to has been reading my blog...again...
how he manages this, I have no idea, since he doesn't own a computer.
but once again, he thinks he knows more about whats going on in my life than actually is...
for example...according to him, everyone I talk to on-line thinks they're a witch
:hum
that's interesting...and also news to me!
:wtf, my sexuality didn't get you anyplace in court, so now my spirituality is going to be called into question?
and what is the purpose of all this investigation? everything has been settled (for now) and why would you care who I talk to, or what I believe, you never did before...and you're hardly a model of 'Christianity' yourself there guy!

he also wants to discuss the matter of my vacation, and what I'm doing then...hell my vacation is not even in the works yet! nor will it be for some time due to us being short handed...
then tells me "you need to remember that you're their mother and spend time with them"
I spend every day with them (all total, probably more of their waking hours than he does) yet, "I never spend any time with them"
I tell you what his problem is...and yes, I did tell him this...
"No one is more aware of the fact I am their mother than I am...the problem YOU have, is remembering that I'm not your wife!"

yea...it did feel pretty good :biggrin

If you came here today looking for my thoughts/views on the war in iraq, sorry, you're going to have to wait for another day...I've tried my best not to become 'caught up' in this as I have a tendency to do at times, mostly due to the fact that I have way to much going on in my life personally right now to deal with matters I have no control over.
Do I have thoughts on it, yes of course I do (this is me you're talking to, remember?) but it's not in the forefront of my mind...

As some of you may know, last week (Wednesday to be exact) was our court ordered mediation, which really didn't have a 'good' outcome, however it really didn't have a 'bad' one either...it just didn't turn out like I would have hoped
The good parts; we are both still considered 'primary custodial parent' (you will see why this is a problem in a moment)
it's set in writing now when we have the children, when the other parent has the children we have 'first right of refusal' meaning if they need childcare, etc...we have to go to the other parent first, and if they are willing/able that is the childcare we use. (this has pretty much always been the way it is, one or the other of us has the children all the time) basically it means if I get called into work while I'm supposed to have the kids then I ask him to watch them, and while he's supposed to have the kids and they get out of school I still pick them up and keep them with me until he gets home from work.
we no longer have to 'ask for permission' from the other parent if we want to do something with the kids, if it's our time to have them, and we want to take them somewhere (providing they don't have school the next day) we can do that with no BS from the other party...trust me this is a major issue! Before I couldn't even go to my friend Jet's with them, simply because he said so! :angry

The bad parts I discovered have to do with new laws here in Oklahella...apparently a law had been amended that deals with this, not as badly as the lawyers thought it had been, but not what I was expecting just the same...I found the document on-line, here is the part I'm talking about...

*empasis added by me in parts*

43 O.S. §112.3 [new law] A. As used in this section:
1. "Change of residence address" means a change in the primary residence of an adult;
2. "Child" means a child under the age of eighteen (18) who has not been judicially emancipated;
3. "Person entitled to custody of or visitation with a child" means a person so entitled by virtue of a court order or by an express agreement that is subject to court enforcement;
4. "Principal residence of a child" means:
a. the location designated by a court to be the primary residence of the child,
b. in the absence of a court order, the location at which the parties have expressly agreed that the child will primarily reside, or. in the absence of a court order or an express agreement, the location, if any, at which the child,preceding the time involved, lived with the child’s parents, a parent, or a person acting as parent for at least six (6) consecutive months and, in the case of a child less than six (6) months old, the location at which the child lived from birth with any of the persons mentioned. Periods of temporary absence of any of the named persons are counted as part of the six-month or other period; and
5. "Relocation" means a change in the principal residence of a child over seventy-five (75) miles from the child's principal residence for a period of sixty (60) days or more, but does not include a temporary absence from the principal residence.
B. 1. Except as otherwise provided by this section, a person who has the right to establish the principal residence of the child shall notify every other person entitled to visitation with the child of a proposed relocation of the child’s principal residence as required by this section.
2. Except as otherwise provided by this section, an adult entitled to visitation with a child shall notify every other person entitled to custody of or visitation with the child of an intended change in the primary residence address of the adult as required by this section.
C. 1. Except as provided by this section, notice of a proposed relocation of the principal residence of a child or notice of an intended change of the primary residence address of an adult must be given:
a. by mail to the last-known address of the person to be notified, and
b. no later than:
(1) the sixtieth day before the date of the intended move or proposed relocation, or
(2) the tenth day after the date that the person knows the information required to be furnished
pursuant to this subsection, if the person did not know and could not reasonably have known the information in sufficient time to comply with the sixty-day notice, and it is not reasonably possible to extend the time for relocation of the child.
2. Except as provided by this section, the following information, if available, must be included with the notice of intended relocation of the child or change of primary residence of an adult:
a. the intended new residence, including the specific address, if known,
b. the mailing address, if not the same,
c. the home telephone number, if known,
d. the date of the intended move or proposed relocation,
e. a brief statement of the specific reasons for the proposed relocation of a child, if applicable,
f. a proposal for a revised schedule of visitation with the child, if any, and
g. a warning to the non-relocating parent that an objection to the relocation must be made within thirty (30) days or the relocation will be permitted.
3. A person required to give notice of a proposed relocation or change of residence address under this subsection has a continuing duty to provide a change in or addition to the information required by this subsection as that information becomes known.

what it basically means is that if I want to move and take my kids with me, I must give him 60 days prior written notice, or 10 days after I become aware of needing to move (ex: if I am hired somewhere and need to be there to start in 30 days), after which, he has 30 days to dispute it, and try and keep me from taking the kids.
where the 'monkey in the works' is, is that since we are both 'primary' caregivers, neither of us has custody, and neither has visititation...so how the court would rule on that, I'm not certain...my lawyer seems to think they might give him full during the year (while they are in school) since he has stated that he will be staying here, and me during the summer.

I personally wonder how they would rule if he was in jail...

*sighs* anyone know a good lawyer? I'm getting desperate...

I have been bombarded with phone calls tonight...(and no Jet, not only from you)
it seems that the EX, in his infinite 'child rearing' wisdom, has decided I don't know what the FUCK I'm doing.
now mind you, until the last 2 years I was the ONLY one that took care of the children when they were sick, often times being sick myself while doing so, but does he remember this? oh hell no!
for some reason he now seems to think that he's the 'be all, end all' of illness in children.
Let's start from the beginning shall we?
My youngest started running a fever Sunday, while he had them out of town, now mind you they still went to work with him (outside, I might add) but this was a low grade fever that my middle one had had the week before, it has no other symptoms and it didn't really slow them down that much for that long!
so we come to last night, he decided he wants to stay with mama, not a problem, so I go get him, he said he had just given him some medicine and that his fever had been about 101.3 (or thereabouts)
so last night, his fever breaks, I get 2 phone calls this morning asking how he is etc...he's fine! eating like a horse and cool as a cucumber...
we run a few errands today, the whole time we're gone I make sure to keep an eye on him, asking him how he's feeling etc, he keeps telling me he feels good.
we pick up his brothers and cousins from school and RIGHT BEFORE I we did that I felt of his head, still cool, we take the kids over to his dad's house and he said he wants to stay there and play with them...not a problem
BTW, he still has not had any medicine, or NEEDED any medicine all day.
I get a call, about 20 min after getting home, saying his fever is 100.7 and when was the last time I gave him anything?
WHAT???
so now, my phone has been ringing off the hook tonight because according to him "if he had been checked today, I'm sure he would have been given medicine"
so obviously insinuating that I did/do not take proper care of my kids? and that I'm not concerned (yes he actually asked me that!)
If I thought I had reason to be concerned, I would be...however I "know" I taught him better than this, and that there is nothing seriously wrong, it just needs to run its course, and he needs to get over the fact that we are NOT married anymore and I'm NOT going to come running to his aid anytime he wants me to...
Be careful what you wish for Jr. your getting a small taste of it now, enjoy it while it lasts *weg*

I leave you with this...
Fever in Children...A Blessing in Disguise

and this excerpt, the rest can be read at the site...

Children often tolerate fevers quite well, although high temperatures may cause parents a great deal of concern. Still, it's best to be guided more by how your child acts than by any particular temperature. If your child has a fever but is responsive, drinking plenty of fluids and wants to play, there's probably no cause for alarm.

Call your doctor if your child is listless or irritable, vomits or has a severe headache or stomachache. But don't treat low-grade fevers (generally an oral temperature between 99 F and 101 F) with any medications unless advised by your doctor.

I came across an article some time ago in an on-line newspaper, and now I'm really glad I saved it because I noticed they don't seem to have any archives. the entire article is in the additional entry for those who want to read it. However there is one part of it that really struck a nerve with me and thats what I want to talk about today.

"Heterosexual couples are not automatically good parents."
now please keep in mind this is all about me *s*
one of the things he (the ex) has stated to me in the past regarding why he thinks he will walk away with my kids is this..and I'm quoting him here..
"at least I'm straight"
to which my immediate thought was, 'yea..your point here?'
which I think was..and mind you this is only my opinion..because he is a straight, white, male, and we have 3 boys, that automatically makes him the better parent..
and for no other reason than that..
so now..get this..all the years I spent raising them, taking care of them, hell not to mention giving birth to them..don't count for a thing..
because I'm "not straight" (his words)
oh yea..there's logic there...
that must be why no gay couples are allowed to adopt children..
oh wait a minute, thats not true...
that must be why in almost every case I've found the gay parent loses custody of their kids...
oh wait, thats not true either...
OK folks, help me out here, surely there must be some reason his being 'straight' makes him a better parent..right?
would love to hear your thoughts on this one *s*

I was told yesterday and I quote "everyone has a problem with you (insert my name here)"
to which I responded "well, I haven't found that to be the case"
which is true, naturally we have to consider that the source of this comment was my ex, who I'm certain does have a problem with me, as do most of his family (note I said most, not all)
you see this conversation came about when the kids got back from working with him and they called so I could talk to them. I reminded him that I had the boys back packs at my house still as they did not take them back to his place after i picked them up from school, I asked did he want me to drop them off now or wait and take them to school in the morning after I got off work, he said "if you want to pick them up in the morning that would be fine, but daddy's here" (his dad)
I said, I know, I don't have a problem with him, does he have a problem with me?
to which I heard that reply...
"EVERYONE has a problem with you"...
Well now...is that so?...
Let's look at a few things shall we?

when he and I were married I was considered a 'daughter' by his daddy, and yes the man had issues with it when we divorced but never seemed to have any 'problems' until I grew a backbone and his son started slandering my name to everyone in his family. same goes for his brother and everyone else he is related to.
everyone would also include my family now wouldn't it? I suppose thats the reason they are behind me 100% in this whole matter? They did have a 'problem' at one point...with him..taking off in the middle of the night with their grandkids!!
My friends would also have a 'problem' with me, correct? (and I'm including on and offline ones here) again, I think the 'problem' happened when my EX decided to get a wild hair up his drunk ass and call some of them in the middle of the night and threaten them...I know for a fact the MAJOR problem one of them had was was this; you were drunk, called her several times making threats, were offering to 'meet' her husband 1/2 way for a fight WITH THE KIDS
yes..thats right, driving while drunk on your way to meet someone you don't know from Adam to 'try' and kick his ass..(yea right, I've seen you fight before remember? not a pretty site)
But I'm getting off topic here...
I mean after all,
the 'problems' are with ME...
right?

I was going to write the other day about another court case...I've also been going to write about various things going on at work (sometimes you wouldn't believe the people that come in on 3rd shift in a motel) but my heart is really not in either one of those posts.
I was looking for something to describe what I had witnessed last week, and instead I came across this
this person, whoever they are, is writing about my past..whether they know it or not!
there would be times i dearly wished he would just hit me, then i would have had a tangible thing, something i could show them and say 'this is what he's doing' but he didn't, all the marks he left are inside.

and now he's trying to do it to my kids.
so how do i know this you might ask...well for one i saw it, and called him on it....he had no idea what i was talking about.
the boys wanted to come over to my house, i was there and said 'OK, go get your shoes on'
he acted like he was totally pissed off and then proceeded to say that he would not be home for a while 'if they changed their minds' (first anyone had said about it) they were upset about this, and about the fact that they didn't know what they had done to 'make daddy mad'
so i asked him 'do you act like this every time they want to come to my house?' he said 'what, I'm not acting like anything, its not my fault they don't want to come over to your house' meaning its my fault.
so tell me, why do my kids cry when I drop them off? why do they say things like 'I guess I'll stay with daddy'? why do they get so upset if they think their dad is going somewhere without them (my oldest has said that "I know if brothers come over and I stay I'll get to do something fun")
they already know at such young ages, what will happen if things don't go his way...
it's easier to give in than live with him when hes upset, so you avoid upsetting him at all cost.
I learned that to, long ago....

I've put some questions for determining if you are emotionally abused in the extended entry, please keep in mind that I DID wise up and this man is no longer my partner! when i was married to him I could answer yes to every one of these questions...
that is NOT the case anymore, I have a wonderful partner now, one that I ask every day what I ever did to deserve to have someone treat me so wonderfully, and am thankful for whatever it was...

Some More Links for You
What is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional Abuse
the second one has questions for 'hetero' relationships, however I would think that this type of abuse knows no sexuality
there are also some additional links on that site that are very good, such as the Emotional abuse facts, Family Law, and Wearing her down.
How do I know? from Support Network for Battered Women

I've been working on this post all week...ok let me rephrase that, I've been MEANING to post this all week, however, life, work and other things have a way of interfering with such plans.
BlueWolf sent me a link on INTERNET addiction this past week, which actually had reference to two women getting their kids taken away due to this problem...

when I read it, I literally felt sick..I could not for the LIFE of me understand how anyone could do that to their children. The excerpt from the page is at the bottom for those who want to go see what I'm talking about. (see the second instance)

I will admit, when I was married, I was looking for an escape, and I found it...not in the best way or place I could have I'm sure, however, my kids were always fed, had clean clothes, were clean themselves, and in bed on time. They were taken to school, picked up, and I was also secretary of the PTA (yea I hear you snickering out there!) and was the one responsible for taking them to any activities they were involved in (such as when my oldest played t-ball) also helped out in their classes when I could (this references when my oldest was in pre-k and I was 'room mother' for lack of a better term)..so while it was a problem, it was not near as big as he is trying to make it..
actually I think his biggest problem was not how I was regarding the children, it was regarding him..my overuse of the INTERNET (so to speak) did not start until after I asked for a divorce (almost 2 years before I left him!)...so I ask you, what do you really think his problem with all of this is?

but lets talk about now, which is the information they are asking about in the papers I got.

do I spend allot of time on here? heck not near as much as I'm accused of.
ask anyone, hell ask my kids, my computers not even TURNED ON when they are here..(and honestly when they are not what business is it of his?)

being on-line does not make someone a bad parent...neglecting your kids, be it due to being on-line or any other reason..well now thats a different story isn't it?

thoughts?

an excerpt from Outlook Press
Ask any lesbian and she will tell you that coming out was probably the most stressful time in her life. Stories of being disowned by family and termination of long-term friendships are common. Even when family and friends accept you for your true self, the dynamics of each relationship changes. Now imagine, if you will, a woman in a heterosexual marriage with children making the decision to come out as a lesbian. One of the biggest concerns for a woman in that situation has always been custody of the children. Many lesbians who divorce their husbands continue to lead very closeted lives for fear of a protracted custody battle with their ex.
for the full story go here

This is referring to a case here in OK that is cited in several cases I have been looking at, Fox v. Fox which in fact number 9 states this
"The father's custody motion was grounded in his assertion that the mother's sexual proclivities are immoral and in contradiction of religious values. However, the father testified that he is not aware of any direct harm to the children and that there are no signs that the children's school performances and behavior patterns or their relationships with the immediate and extended family, peers, and community have been adversely affected by the mother's behavior. And, the father did not present any evidence to prove the essential determinative factor - a significant change of circumstance that directly and adversely affects the children. Hence, we find that the father failed to meet his burden of proof as established in Gibbons v. Gibbons, David v. David, and Gorham v. Gorham, supra."

this does differ slightly from my case due to the fact that I filed for the modification in my case, due to their father not following the agreement that we came up with when we divorced, however he is trying to use my being a lesbian (and the Internet) against me. I have yet to find anything with reference to the Internet in a case like this, but I don't see how he can use it when I don't even get on the darn computer when the kids are up!
There is also the fact that to my knowledge (unless someone else has told them)
my kids don't even know, I am EXTREMELY discreet, as I feel you should be when it comes to relationships and children, even in a hetero relationship. Your kids don't need to know what goes on behind closed doors in your bedroom, period.
comments on this are very welcome, I would love to hear what you think of this.

yes I know its been awhile, but I've been doing some serious thinking and discussing things with others and I've come to a few decisions.

first off, I'm not going anywhere, some of you may not care, some of you may be glad, most are probably indifferent *s* but on the advice of my lawyer NOT to take down my site (since if they already know where it is they can use it against me if its removed) I'm staying put..and actually I only have to tell him where the main page is.

I've been doing some reading and research and found a few things pertaining to my case that I will probably be putting up here, (with commentary of course) for reasons I'm sure you can figure out..heck might as well give them an education if I've got to give in!

on a slightly different note, will the person that uses AO(hel)L who was here 6 times on the 19th with a total of 14 page views coming from an unknown referrer please step forward? they were also here once on the 20th, and they use Windows ME..it wouldn't have been so obvious had you not come 4 times within 20 minutes but hey that sort of thing sets off alarms with me *s*

to finish up, I have set up 2 new blogs for dear friends of mine. I would appreciate it if you would go check them out, as they are new to all of this and I'm sure would like to hear from others besides just myself and BlueWolf *s*

Jamie's Sacred Space and KG's Hideaway
and before you ask they are both very hetero and very married! LOL

till next time..

Well I finally got some news on the court front yesterday.
I received the papers I need to fill out for disclosure...and of all the asinine things they want to know, they want a listing of all websites I have 'operated' since April 24th of this year, ..goes to show what a wonderful lawyer he has..the divorce was finalized April 24th of LAST year..his secretary is none to bright I'm afraid..she even forgot to notify him when the court case was last year..*L*
geezz..if they had any idea what they're asking here...they have no idea how many sites I DO run..most of them in relation to an on-line group I'm in..and one I was in..this one and my other site..then theres the page I'm doing for work..several I've done for friends..hell I don't think I know how many I've done!!
anyway..if I do end up having to disclose this information (you can bet I'm going to ask my lawyer just what relevance this has in a custody modification case) I will be temporarily taking this site down..so if you come here and get a 'on hiatus' page you will know why..rest assured I will be back *you have been warned!*

OK, I feel the need to clarify a bit on my last post, I'm not only looking for comments..alot of my posts have none and I'm fine with that..
I think BlueWolf hit it on the head when she and I were talking about it...she thinks (and I agree) that it has more to do with the fact that I'm afraid of how much to post on here now..
see..my other blog was found, by some I wish had not, (OK it was my ex-husband and his lawyer) printed out and is now threatened to be used 'against me in a court of law' as it were..so where as before I would have posted something now something holds me back..
even though my lawyer said in this state (and all others as far as I know) it could only be used for 'verification' purposes..it still bothers me that everything I wrote there is being thrown in my face on a regular basis...

anywayyyy..on to other things..it seems BlueWolf was right about something else to (yes this is a habit of hers)..blogrolling has *poof-ed* it seems..if its not back by this afternoon I guess I shall pull out my backup and put it back the way it was :-(