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no, seriously…it’s really not!
I had an interesting conversation yesterday…and it got me thinking (yes, it happens occasionally)
Who I was talking to really doesn’t matter…but we were talking about my ex, and certain things he had done in his lifetime…and my being gay.
I made the point to that person, that my ex had NOTHING to do with me being gay, how that brought me to this post is another matter…but since I’m sure someone will eventually share this with him, I’m going to expound on it a bit…
I’ve been asked, (alot) and as recently as 3 weeks ago, “how do you do that? how are you married, have kids, and then decide you are gay?”
Let me make this as clear as I can…
***this is ME, personally, it does not apply to every person that came out of the closet after marriage and children, (and trust me, there are alot of us!!) nor do I mean it to speak for anyone else EXCEPT MYSELF!***
I did not ‘decide’ I was gay, I doubt anyone does!
did I always know I was gay? not at first, to be honest, with the way I was raised that wasn’t a concept I understood until I was well into my teen years, and after I did understand the concept…how do I explain this? I knew several women that were gay, I was so drawn to them without really knowing why (yet) but…well, you know how when you’re a very shy person, and someone you like comes around? and you tend to freeze up and are sure you’re acting like an idiot? well, that’s what I was like around these women. (even though I’m certain now they didn’t even know I was there :lol)
So, I’m starting to come to these realizations…however…I was raised in the church…a church that doesn’t ‘believe’ that you CAN be gay, and, of course, good girls are supposed to get married, and have babies, and all that good stuff…well, I wasn’t exactly a ‘good’ girl when I was younger…I have seen worse though :wink
lets just say, in my efforts to suppress what I ‘couldn’t’ possibly be…I made an effort to become the opposite…’sowed my wild oats’ as it were…(probably why my dad thinks to this day I can’t be gay because according to him i was to ‘boy crazy’ when I was younger…I’m still waiting for my damn emmy for that!)
so, moving forward a couple years…I meet my ex (blind date, don’t ask) etc…
now…moving forward a few more years, I finally come to terms, with MYSELF, that yes, I am gay…or at least bisexual.
do I share this revelation with anyone? oh hell no!! I was married, had 3 kids, not to mention he would have killed me (no, it’s not every straight male’s fantasy)
So, do I leave him because of this? no
I did not leave him for another man, woman, or for any other reason than I could take no more emotional abuse, threats, rape, blackmail and I would have slit my own throat had I stayed there much longer.
would things have been different if he had been different? well, there’s no way to know this, things happen the way they did for a reason (even though thats not always clear to me what it is at the time, or even now, years later) maybe if he had been different we could have had a rational disscussion like mature adults, instead of the threats of what he would do if I ever left him.
does he have anything to do with me being gay?
not – one – thing
there’s nothing he did or didn’t do that has anything to do with me being gay…that might be hard for him to believe, but it’s NOT about him!!! it’s about me…maybe I should have dealt with it when I was younger, in retrospect, that probably would have been better for all parties involved…but I wouldn’t be who I am today if that had happened, and my children would also not be here if that were the case, and I firmly believe THAT, above all else, is NOT a mistake! no matter what transpired, before, durring, or afterward, they are here for a purpose. (and I’m just as certain that it’s not to fufill their fathers sick sense of justice against their mother)
so you see, sometimes, it’s not you…it is me…really, it is!

5 Replies to “it’s not you…”

  1. Damn. I am SO sorry you went though all that. {{{hug}}}
    It’s all societal expectations. “This” is normal, “that” is not. Girls are supposed to be *this* way, and boys are supposed to be *that* way. It’s all bullshit, you know. In my mother’s generation, left handed people (like me) were FORCED to write with their right hands. It wasn’t normal.
    My brother in law is as gay as they come. I do recall hearing at one point in his life that he was engaged to a girl. She broke it off as she realized she was a lesbian, he didn’t know he was gay yet…
    To this day my out-laws hold out “hope” that one day he’ll “snap out of his confusion”. *rolls eyes*
    You and him can pretend you aren’t gay to please those around you. I can pretend I’m not left handed to please the superstitious.
    Fact is… there’s nothing worng with us. We’re simply “wired differently” that’s all.

  2. T,
    I’m so glad you posted this. I think I’ll post something similar later. I so can understand what you’re saying. You know – I’m finally going through my divorce – (stop it – i know i’m really REALLY late – LOL) and I’m sure this subject is going to come up again. I agree – I didn’t leave him for anyone but myself. I needed away from him and his dumb ass ideas of how life should be. I’m forever grateful that I had the nerve to actually leave when I did and I’m not still stuck in that situation. I also agree everything happens for a reason. 🙂 Nice post, chica.

  3. Thank you Tara
    it was born of frustration of people always asking me “did you leave him because you were gay?” (mostly women)
    and, of course, the ever popular “did he make you gay?” (mostly men)
    he made me miserable…he did NOT however, make me gay!

  4. I am increasingly apalled at the ignorance of most on this subject. Even my own ignorance on it back when…
    *hugs* Certainly looks like you’ve got all your hedges in a row now tho (is that hedges or ducks – can’t remember now) Shucks – looks like you’ve got it all figured now.
    Doesn’t it feel wonderful when you get rid of the fluff that clutters your life and are able to see clearly where you want to be going in life? 🙂

  5. Awe hunnie even though you have shared all of this with me so long ago I am so amazed to find it here. However I do think it is a wonderful that you have put your feelings out there and finally released that last little bit of pent up anger you had inside. Yes as we all know some mother, sister, or lawyer will come across this and share it with the X.
    They can push alot of ideas around, attempt to supress alot of your feelings, and yes even turn their backs on you because you didn’t decide to be gay but in fact you are and always were just gay! And no mother, ex-husband, sister, or nosey lawyer can deny you that!
    Keep your head and chin up sister, your family is here and we love you if for nothing else for just being YOU! Something you mother, sister, ex_husband, and maybe even his low ass lawyer should have been doing all along!

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