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an excerpt from Outlook Press
Ask any lesbian and she will tell you that coming out was probably the most stressful time in her life. Stories of being disowned by family and termination of long-term friendships are common. Even when family and friends accept you for your true self, the dynamics of each relationship changes. Now imagine, if you will, a woman in a heterosexual marriage with children making the decision to come out as a lesbian. One of the biggest concerns for a woman in that situation has always been custody of the children. Many lesbians who divorce their husbands continue to lead very closeted lives for fear of a protracted custody battle with their ex.
for the full story go here
This is referring to a case here in OK that is cited in several cases I have been looking at, Fox v. Fox which in fact number 9 states this
“The father’s custody motion was grounded in his assertion that the mother’s sexual proclivities are immoral and in contradiction of religious values. However, the father testified that he is not aware of any direct harm to the children and that there are no signs that the children’s school performances and behavior patterns or their relationships with the immediate and extended family, peers, and community have been adversely affected by the mother’s behavior. And, the father did not present any evidence to prove the essential determinative factor – a significant change of circumstance that directly and adversely affects the children. Hence, we find that the father failed to meet his burden of proof as established in Gibbons v. Gibbons, David v. David, and Gorham v. Gorham, supra.”
this does differ slightly from my case due to the fact that I filed for the modification in my case, due to their father not following the agreement that we came up with when we divorced, however he is trying to use my being a lesbian (and the Internet) against me. I have yet to find anything with reference to the Internet in a case like this, but I don’t see how he can use it when I don’t even get on the darn computer when the kids are up!
There is also the fact that to my knowledge (unless someone else has told them)
my kids don’t even know, I am EXTREMELY discreet, as I feel you should be when it comes to relationships and children, even in a hetero relationship. Your kids don’t need to know what goes on behind closed doors in your bedroom, period.
comments on this are very welcome, I would love to hear what you think of this.

5 Replies to “an excerpt from”

  1. Well, I have to agree with you. I don’t think it matters what type of relationship you’re in, the kids DO NOT need to know the private details. Obviously, my kids are older and that presents a challenge in that they would KNOW what it entailed if I were in a lesbian relationship. But I still wouldn’t discuss it. I can only imagine that you have challenges of your own and that at some point your children will become aware that your relationship is different than that of many of their friends’ parents. However, I don’t believe that it precludes being an excellent parent. I think that being a good parent simply involves being willing to, as much as possible, do what is best for and in the best interests of the child. Not always an easy thing. You ex in an ass of the highest order. He hasn’t stopped to think of the possibility that one of your children may be gay (not because you are!!!!) and what type of precedence is he setting with them? Is he already telling them that they can’t be good parents? He needs to wake the hell up and think about his KIDS!

  2. Well, I agree with you about children not needing to know about what goes on behind closed doors. I certainly did not know if and what my parents were up to as a child, and even as an adult.
    The time will come when they are of age that matters of a sexual nature will to be discussed. Naturally, it will be difficult for you to expalin that you are a bit ‘different’ as you are not hetero but lesbian. Cross that bridge when you get there and hopefully, it will not be too traumatic for youself or your kids. We are living in a far more cosmopolitan world today.
    Having said that, I think that nudity is something that should not be hidden from children, it is simply one of the ways that they discover their own sexuality, they learn that Mummy has a vagina and Daddy has a dick. Naturally, if you are in a gay relationship, this is not the case. I won’t bother to get into the issue of gay couples adopting children, that is a different issue. Anyhow, for the time being, you continue being discreet. When you think your kids are mature enough to handle the news, then you can break it to them in a slow and understanding way. It is not easy being a parent, and I have no children yet, but from my experiences, it is no easy road, it is hard work! Good luck to you.

  3. That your “behavior” would cause problems for your kids is nonsense. What could be problematic for them is to face intolerant and narrowminded people who base their opinions upon biblish phrases, beliefs and adopted moral instead of facts. All scientific research shows that kids of gay parents doesn’t have more problems than kids of hetero parents. Infact research in Norway shows that kids of gay parents are more tolerant and openminded and is involved in less conflicts at school than other kids.
    I think kids are very much a product of their parents, therefor I don’t think it will be too problematic for you to explain, when the time comes, that you’re a lesbian. I agree with the other ones here, kids don’t have to know what’s going on in the bedroom, if you live with a partner I think it’s enough that they know you love the person and that the person love you, the same way the other kids parents love eachother. I think it’s sometimes easier to explain stuff to kids, they don’t have the adults’ narrowmindness and judgemental attitude and see things as simple and uncomplicated as they really are before our adult minds starts to make them problematic.

  4. “I think it’s sometimes easier to explain stuff to kids, they don’t have the adults’ narrowmindedness and judgemental attitude and see things as simple and uncomplicated as they really are before our adult minds starts to make them problematic.”
    Very true words expressed by Nico. I remember as a medical student, our Prof. of Paediatrics used to tell us that the most awful part of being a child is that they do have to grow up and then they develop all the hangups that adults have. So true. Children can be quite simple in the way they approach life and at the same time, can be very analytical as well.
    Just do what needs to be done, when the time comes. You may find it quite a lot easier than you think. You may tell them that Mommy is actually gay, and they may simply reply something like, “I Know” or “Really, it’s no big deal, I still love you and you will always be my Mom.”
    All the best.

  5. You’re a great mommy, Red. It shows in every email and every discussion we have. They have, and always will, come first with your life.
    As far as “immorality” goes… that’s a hunk of crap. I think a very “open” husband/wife/hetero relationship can do *just as much* damage to a child when they see too much. Kids have just as much trouble understanding that stuff when they… uh… “walk in”.
    You just stay on the right track, ok? You’re doing great.

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