My husband is addicted to puns. He likes the quick ones, the cheap shots. I like the long, drawn out ones that are a story with a pun as the pun-ch line, like “The beer that made Mill Famy Walk Us.
Here then, is a collection that came across my desk today. If you know who compiled these puns, please let me know. I’ll be happy to give credit for the compilation.
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then
it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was
cut off? He’s all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was
Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got
a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He
became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be
charged with stalking.
We’ll never run out of math teachers because they
always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.
He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of
earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could
jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in
feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get
repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll
show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was
fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France,
resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never
developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a
mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done

We had a wonderful Fourth of July celebration!
For years Elegante Mother and I have stayed home on the Fourth. EM is a tiny person, and she’s rather frail now. I wasn’t willing to take her into crowded areas to see fireworks, unless other family members were traveling with us. I watched the fireworks displays on T.V. and she went to bed early.
This year, I decided to ask My-Oldest-Sister-The-Nurse if we could join their celebration. Sis has five kids, and the eldest resides in Australia these days. Eldest Niece, her husband and their youngest son have been visiting, and they’ve been joined by their twins who are going to be sophomores in college this year. With all of MOSTN’s family in one place, it seemed like the perfect time to take Elegante Mother to visit. We were even honored to have Dear Husband, who gave up half a day sailing to join us!
MOSTN has two sons who live in the same subdivision. As a matter of fact, their back yards connect, so they hosted the celebration. There was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing between the houses and games set up in the yard for all ages. The adults were playing boccie ball and a bean bag toss. The youngest kids seemed to like water sports the most; the older kids gravitated toward tossing a football, and trying to find sneaky ways to make successful passes around the opposition.
The meal was mostly potluck. Just about every salad you could want was there, and after dinner, it seemed that there was every dessert, too! The guys grilled hot dogs, hamburgers and brats. No one went hungry!
My brother and his wife joined us for the meal, and took EM and me to see their gardens. They live just a few blocks away, and the gardens were at their peak. They have a dab hand at planting. I envy them the shrubs and cypress trees, and the pergola with wisteria at the back of the house.
We settled into the shade after dinner to wait for the neighbors to shoot fireworks. EM was beginning to look tired, so we left around 8:00. The drive home was amazing. We had constant firework displays all the way home. It was delightful!
I’m pleased to say that my mother’s youngest great-grandson was prepared to celebrate the birth of our nation. His gramma (MOSTN) had taken him to the library and he was told all about the Fourth of July, and got to read several books about the country’s “birthday.” He asked for, and was given, a red, white and blue “Uncle Sam” hat to wear, and they made sure the American flag waved at their house on the Fourth.
I hope that you all enjoyed time with your families, and that you remembered the reason for the day off. Whether you think we are on the right course or not, the United States is still our country and deserves our support. Happy Birthday, America!

My quilting bee meets tonight. They’ll come half an hour early and bring a dish to pass for our annual Fourth of July pot luck. The meal is a little more organized than it sounds. Last month we chatted about the coming meeting and those who were going to be present volunteered for items on the menu, so that we didn’t have six different pasta salads.
Dear Husband levitated me out of bed at 5:00 A.M., before he left for work. By 5:15, laundry was underway, the dish washer had been emptied and refilled, and the sink was full of hot soapy water for knives, measuring spoons, pots, pans and pitchers. The kitchen looks a LOT better now.
I’m blessed to have a cleaning lady come in once a week, and Friday is her day. She knows that the first Friday of the month is Bee Night, and never misses on that day. When she’s finished the house will be ready for guests, and I’ll be able to focus on our part of the menu. DH is grilling hamburgers and brats, and I’ll lay out all the trimmings to go with them. If there’s time, I might make chocolate frosted devil’s food cupcakes.
It’s possible that the bee ladies may put some stitches into the sails and whales quilt tonight. But, even if they don’t, I’m close to halfway done with the hand quilting. I want to machine quilt the wave areas to finish the work. I can already hear them saying, “It’s not DONE YET!!??”
Procrastination is my middle name. Give me an interesting book and I can procrastinate with the best of them. Perhaps I’ll have to do a blog about procrastination…….one day.
If there’s time later this afternoon, I’ll try my hand at posting pictures to the blog, so we can see what they look like against a lighter background. ~T~ said she would try to figure out how to return my blog to the orange and black Lone Star background, but I rather like this version for summer.
I have a TON of office work to do. I took the first three days of this week off, so now it’s all catching up to me. I have just about ten days to get everything done before the CPA’s assistant comes to work with me on the Federal Quarterly Reports. In addition to that, I have to get ready for at least two audits. We’ve just begun a new insurance year, so the insurance companies will audit us for the past year to make sure we paid them enough. Hmpf….enough. They’re as bad as the government! It’s a wonder that anyone can get ahead any more.
We’re headed toward a couple of days in the 90s. If I do any gardening, it will be VERY early in the morning. I hope to water today, and I may water again on Sunday to help the plants through the heat. Then, I’m going to retreat to my cool cave and either quilt, cut out pieces for new quilts, or work in the office. I know that it doesn’t sound like fun, but to my mind it’s MUCH better than being out in the heat and humidity, and all of those things will move me forward toward goals I hope to reach.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. If you’re outside, wear a hat! Put on sunscreen, and look for shade now and then. Take care of yourself, or your mother will have to go with you to nag! *G*