This morning, a man I didn't know opened a door for me.....and I was surprised!
It shows what our manners have come to that what used to be a common kindness should surprise me.
I had stopped to give the title company a waiver. Just as I left my car, it began to rain in earnest. I put up my umbrella, and closed the bag I was carrying and headed for the door. Two men were talking in the doorway, protected from the rain by an overhang. One of them opened the door for me, even though he was not passing through. I thanked him.
On the way out, his companion did the same for me. It was a simple gesture of kindness that used to be very commonplace, but today, in the gray, rainy weather, it seemed unusually nice.
When I graduated from college, women had just begun to think of themselves as "liberated." That meant that you didn't have to wait for men to open your door; you could do it yourself. Or, better yet, you could open the door for them. I felt the basic idea needed to be adjusted a bit. If there is someone behind me, I hold the door for them. It doesn't matter if the person is male or female; I hold the door. I am especially careful to help those older than I am, and mothers whose hands are full.
I can't actually remember the last time a man other than my husband held the door for me, but I bet I can guess who it was. We have a friend who is in his mid-forties, who has lovely manners. I bet the last time we went to dinner together, he held the door. I know that he helps me into his car, and closes the car door when we travel together. But, this man is the exception to the rule.
It incenses me when a younger man strides through the door, and lets it slap shut in my face. I wish I could say to them, "When do you plan to take a course in manners?" But, that would be rude. It seems we are so concerned with ourselves that we have let what used to be taken for granted slip out of existence.
Manners......I miss ye! Maybe we should all practice those random acts of kindness, and hold doors open for each other.
Comments (9)
If someone walked in before me knowing I was behind them and let the door slam in my face, I would definately say something!! I'm lucky I guess, in ever place that I've lived, I have always had the door held open for me and I do the same for other's if I'm ahead of them. I do agree, that manners have over all, become the exception not the rule!
Posted by Jamie | February 16, 2006 10:45 PM
Posted on February 16, 2006 22:45
Like you, I rue the passing of such courtesies.
In fact, if someone drops a door in my face, or barges across me, or ahead of me, or fails to smile or thank me when I've held a door for them, I just cannot help myself smiling and saying, "Thank you!" in a loud and cheerful voice, just to remind them of convention.
Manners cost nothing. Maybe that's why they seem to have no value in our society?
Posted by Blue Witch | February 17, 2006 4:11 AM
Posted on February 17, 2006 04:11
What is considered "mannerly" changes with the generations, so I don't get too bent out of shape when someone fails to observe what I was taught was the mannerly thing to do. However, I cannot understand the door situation in Buffy's neck of the world. As many things as I find fault with Kansans for, holding doors and thanking people is not among them.
Around here, people of all sizes/shapes/ages/sexes observe the simple pleasure of allowing another to use a door that is being held open by the previous/concurrent user. The latest example was this morning--cold, blustery day. As I arrived at the library, a man who appeared to be even older than I am tarried longer than I would have thought necessary, to hold the outer door open for me. The youngsters at the fitness center hold doors, routinely. Buffy--You need to import some Kansans (but you knew that, didn't you, from your own experience?)
Posted by Cop Car | February 17, 2006 1:17 PM
Posted on February 17, 2006 13:17
My YMCA buddies and I have discussed this issue more than once. They have reminded me of a very important perspective. We, women, sometimes fail to allow men to extend courtesies. Independance has a downside; it discourges some men who would love nothing more than to extend a courtesy.
Posted by Frankie | February 19, 2006 2:26 PM
Posted on February 19, 2006 14:26
Jamie, I worry that you're right, and that manners are the exception these days. I tend to think that there are still places where good manners are expected. Small town America and the center of the country, as Cop Car says, still seem to have manners. I bet that you find manners at work in the South, maybe with the exception of large cities. I think that in or near very large cities manners are strained.
BW, that's just about the only way you can make a point without risking "manner rage."
Cop Car, I'm glad for you that most Kansans have good manners, but I think it's a shame that good manners aren't universal.
Frankie, I know that feminism has created a Catch-22 for guys. They never know if they will get snarled at for a common courtesy, and isn't that a shame! I think when history has a chance to look back on the feminist movement, this may be one area where they earned a black mark.
I STILL plan to hold doors for those around me, no matter who it may be, and you can bet that I will say "thank you" when someone returns the kindness.
Posted by buffy | February 19, 2006 7:45 PM
Posted on February 19, 2006 19:45
Back in the 1970s and early 1980s, there were definitely two sets of "manners" in operation--social, in which the guys mostly held doors open for gals, and business, in which the lower ranked person held doors open for superiors. The chief engineer did a double-take the first time I opened a door for him, but just smiled and stepped through. He was (still is) one cool dude! He was, with great affection, referred to as "John the Baptist" due to his conservative dress (goatee and bow tie), and the fact that he was quite religious (not sure that he is Baptist, nor did we care--most people around here are quite fundamentalist Christians.)
Today, socially, the mannerly thing to do is to make sure that the door doesn't slam on someone else and that anyone who has their hands full, or has some other impedance, gets a free door opening. Business manners haven't changed. The underling still opens the doors. I never worried about the door thing. I was too busy, early in my career, trying to figure out why women's paychecks were about 1/2 of what similarly-employed men's paychecks were. I certainly thanked the women's movement for the fact that, later in my career, paycheck parity was expected my field. That is a fabulous pay-off for loss of door privileges!!!
Posted by Cop Car | February 20, 2006 8:01 AM
Posted on February 20, 2006 08:01
I enjoy when the door is held for me by others and have experienced doors being held for me by many people (not known to me) over the years (I need to maybe direct hubby here for a read?)... and I do hold the door too when I get to it first or see that someone has their hands full.
I believe in overall being helpful and not leaving anyone to struggle too much with doors or grocery carts or whatever. I don't see it as gender-related , I'll hold for anyone and will graciously say 'thank you' to man, woman, or child that holds a door for me or helps in anyway.
Posted by Desiree | February 28, 2006 1:39 AM
Posted on February 28, 2006 01:39
Desiree--Your "I believe...." statement is well put. I'll subscribe to that theory. You don't stumble all over your words in writing it out, as I did.
Posted by Cop Car | February 28, 2006 10:17 AM
Posted on February 28, 2006 10:17
Isn't it nice to know that there are still pockets of civility! I'm proud to have friends like you.
Posted by buffy | February 28, 2006 10:59 AM
Posted on February 28, 2006 10:59