I was just reading about Betty Friedan, the author of The Feminine Mystique, who passed away a year ago. If you'd care to read an interesting perspective of Ms. Friedan, go to Time Goes By, and click on the link.
My last semester as a senior in college, I had the opportunity to take a class on the rising issue of feminism, and Ms. Friedan's book was used as one of the starting points for discussion. I graduated in 1970 feeling that in the next few years we would have the world turned around (and cleaned up...but that's another story), and all would be right.
I've watched the changes that have come over the past thirty-six years. Some of them have been astonishingly good, and others we could have left by the side. Of course, I've come to understand a great deal more about the working of the world in the intervening years. The first thing that became clear to me was that change does not occur overnight. I still have high hopes for the feminist movement. Anything that helps a woman to be a strong, independent, thinking person has to be good.
As I started my career as a grade school band director, I had the feeling that I was invincible! I believed that we (read: I) could accomplish anything we set out to do. I carried that belief for a number of years. Then I chose to set that particular career aside, and moved on to one where I was going to be out of the public eye. Actually, I volunteered for a career that is very much like being a mushroom.
I realized this weekend that I am in a position where virtually every choice I make in life is questioned. I am an office. My bosses or the CPA or the financial planner, the Feds or the insurance people are always looking over my shoulder, asking if such and such is done. When I make plans for my husband and my mother to go to dinner, or an activity, I'm second-guessed about the restaurant, the time to go and how to get there. It's impossible to set a date for a family activity, and assume that it will take place without compromise or complaint. When it comes time to travel, I am merely the typist at the keyboard making the reservations, not the person making the choices about times and activities. My mother frequently objects to the meals I plan, and now some of my siblings feel that I have made poor choices on a family matter.
When did I loose the self-assuredness that I had as a young woman? Was it when I chose to help my husband and care for my mother? Did my self-confidence evaporate because I've chosen a quiet, backwater life? Have I made an error in trying to please most of the people most of the time? Is it necessary to disregard the feelings or interests of others in order to have a happier life for yourself? When you make the choice not to be rude to someone, does that broadcast to them that your opinions are not worthy of consideration?
I'd like to lay the blame for this at someone else's feet, but the truth is, I think it's my fault that this change has come about. But, I haven't thought through this sufficiently to see what steps I need to take to regain that sense of self that makes me feel I can function in the larger world.
I'm sure we all question ourselves from time to time. As we mature, we change. Perhaps one of my errors is a confusion between "aging" and "maturing." I hope that I've matured, and not merely gotten older.
I need the freedom to make my own choices. I don't mind the idea that I'll have to take responsibility for those choices, but I don't care to live the rest of my life so that everyone else is happy, but I'm not.
Is this a question of selfishness? Or, do you at some point, to stay healthy and sane, have to lead your own life? That may be the big question for me.
Have you hit this wall? How did you cope with it?
Comments (10)
Very weighty subject here.
Were you raised in the south? Southern women often feel exactly as you describe; we are taught that all other family should be first before ourselves.
The difference between aging and maturing...hmmm, now that is a pondering.
I do sometimes feel like I have wasted parts of my life, and there is no way, no way on earth to reclaim a minute of it. But, I can avow to do better with what I have left - all any of us can do, really.
I am going to watch here and see if someone comes up with more wisdom that I have mustered.
I get the feeling that there is still something you haven't said...
Posted by Cowtown Pattie | February 5, 2007 10:37 PM
Posted on February 5, 2007 22:37
Have you read The Alchemist? Get it, read it, and let's talk.
Posted by Nan | February 6, 2007 10:16 AM
Posted on February 6, 2007 10:16
That was quite the pity party I was having for myself, wasn't it!? Had the two of you not commented, I would have deleted the entry, even though I don't believe in doing that.
Pattie, I'm a born and bred Midwesterner, but it's nice to know that there's a sisterhood out there I could join! *G*
This may seem like a contradiction, but please bear with me. I don't consider the 20 years I have spent taking care of my mother as a waste. BUT...I could have put those years to better use. More than any of my siblings, my home, and my lifestyle were suited to her care. Perhaps it is a function of my own aging that makes me question how my time could have been better spent.
My siblings and I have handled obligations very differently from age 20 on. My oldest three sibs married, and had children right away, letting careers grow as their children grew, then having years more or less to themselves when the kids moved away from home. My youngest sister had a career in the Navy, retired to raise her family, and has had a second career as her family has grown, and may have a third career (or more) once the girls have struck out on their own.
I didn't have children. I taught for eleven years. When I met Dear Husband, his four children were well on their way to being grown. Perhaps the care of my mother is rather like raising a family, but it came to me at an odd time, when most women are beginning to get to the place where they have fewer responsibilities for others, and can focus on their own needs.
Perhaps what I need to know now is WHAT ARE my own needs. I have become so accustomed to the round of obligations I have that I have forgotten to look around me and see what else interests me. And this was the impetus for my post.
Thanks for reading all the way through a post that was very poorly organized. I'm sure it was confusing to make the jump from feminism in the 1970s to my angst at having taken a back seat in life. In my mind there is a connection, but I may have dropped the ball in trying to explain it.
I'll take your advice on doing better with the time I have left. Those are pearls of wisdom, my friend. Thanks!
Posted by buffy | February 6, 2007 12:30 PM
Posted on February 6, 2007 12:30
Nan, I have some Amazon coupons to use. I'll check out The Alchemeist today.
Posted by buffy | February 6, 2007 12:30 PM
Posted on February 6, 2007 12:30
Yes, I have hit this wall.
Life is a bunch of 10 years phases.
My wants, needs, and tolerance change constanty with every decade. I change with them. I feel I have more wisdom than I did 20 years ago. I used to be career oriented, and now that I worked hard for decades to be the best at what I do professionally, I find I no longer care. My eye is on retirement and what I will do then.
I think you have a great life and admire you for taking care of EM.
And your gardening is what I wish I could do.
You rock and you will keep on rockin'!
Posted by Susan | February 6, 2007 9:10 PM
Posted on February 6, 2007 21:10
Another thought . . . your comment about it being a mistake to please others struck a chord.
I went through a phase, too, of frustration about being a caretaker or "go-to" person and feeling a little used and disrespected. Some thoughts I came away from my own pity party - and don't get me wrong . . . there's nothing wrong with those if they are catalysts for insight and growth - are these:
1. Don't expect anything for your effort. You're guaranteed to be disappointed.
2. Do it because it's the right thing to do, not because you hope for reward, recognition, love, or respect. The collalary for this one relates to that old song "Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places".
3. If you do numbers 1 and 2, you serve yourself up a healthy dose of self-respect. In my book, that is more satisfying than the praise of others. (Though I can't help but feel conviction when others are willing to notice, too.)
4. Remember boundaries.
5. You teach people how to treat you. Even service to others must come with healthy boundaries with no regrets for taking care of yourself.
6. Mary or Martha? I'm learning to be Mary. There's so much more joy in life when you can ditch the guilt and ignore the down-keepers, sun-slappers, and harmony hushers (G. Brooks). Maybe that's why my faith means so much more to me now.
Finally, I woulda been pretty pissed, too, if I'd been where you were sitting Saturday night. Said sibling was behaving badly.
Remember the gnat.
Posted by Nan | February 7, 2007 9:32 AM
Posted on February 7, 2007 09:32
Susan, that's very kind of you, and your support has brightened my day.
It's odd that you mention ten-year-phases. My life is like that, too, and I was pondering the Russian's Five-Year plans. Do people create five-year plans? I wonder if it works any better on the individual level?
I hope that your next phase will involve gardening, and that you'll have the satisfaction of covering your landscape with blossoms.
Posted by buffy | February 7, 2007 9:37 AM
Posted on February 7, 2007 09:37
Nan, I do things both because it pleases me to do them, and because they need to be done. Like most women, I'd like to have my family acknowledge that I do a ton of laundry, and weeding, and cleaning, and cooking. Would it hurt so much to have family say, "Boy, that was a great meal!"?? Or, "The gardens are beautiful!" You're right. It's not going to happen, and I'll be better off not pining for it.
But, those are really minor in the greater scheme of things. I don't need to be thanked for taking care of EM. That's not why I do it. I want to know when all is said and done, that I did the right thing by my own standards. It's a shame that my standards don't always match my siblings standards. And in this case, remembering the gnat is good advice.
I wish you would blog on two subjects that you mentioned: boundaries, and the idea of Mary vs Martha. I suspect there isn't room in comments to do them justice, and I know there's more to learn from you.
And....which Garth Brooks song has the phrase "harmony hushers"?
I've ordered The Alchemist. It should arrive in a few days.
Thanks for ideas on the way to move forward. Love you....
Posted by buffy | February 7, 2007 9:57 AM
Posted on February 7, 2007 09:57
Well I think you should make a small wall hanging poster (as a joke) that asks "was the meal good?", or write it in the napkins, or scribble with frosting on a dessert. Just to see what happens and if ppl get the message.
And let's make a decorative plaque for your garden relating a similar message.
Posted by Susan | February 8, 2007 10:09 PM
Posted on February 8, 2007 22:09
Susan, that seems like a better choice than moving out to a tent on the front yard and putting up strike signs! *G*
Posted by buffy | February 9, 2007 1:53 PM
Posted on February 9, 2007 13:53