Arrrgh!!!

Man! You can write some deep stuff! It makes ME think... My Dad really didn't show favouritism either. I'd say my Mom didn't show favouritism either. I have friends who felt the favouritism thing like you said though, and it does have serious and long lasting effects. Good post!

The sad part is about my epiphany regarding my mom, she wouldn't even bother to disagree. She likes my sister better even when my sister is telling her she's being an idiot - which lately is pretty often.

For the most part I have no issues, at least none that I weep about anymore :)

Sad to say, I have lived with this all my life and have allowed a lot of resentment and anger to take hold of me. It is doubly painful when the more favored brother knows and USES the favoritism. At 63, my brother still goes to our mother with things I have done to hurt his feelings (95% lies) and gets my mother angry at me. He has brought home at least one bogus will giving him a definite advantage in my mother's estate. I have to be the caregiver because he is "too busy and important" (he's a schoolteacher and minister-I think, because sometimes he pretends to be serving the flock when he's really lying on the beach avoiding taking care of our mother). My mother can see no fault in him and no good in me and I have really reached the end of my rope- I want very much just to walk away but I have to take the responsibility of someone who has no gratitude for anything I do for her.

This may not get any action but at least it's cathartic.

I can relate to the last post, and the concept of the favoured sibling USING their 'power'. My story is similar except that both my parents favoured my sister. It was/is like a competition between them...to see who is most esteemed by her. I am also bitter and hurt by it (i am now 32), but make a good show of storing that hurt in a deep dark place and trudge on in life pretending it doesn't/didn't effect me. It has made me feel insecure and needing to prove my worth....you know ...justify why i am breathing.
i have 2 force myself 2 remember that i deserve nice things in life and good things to happen for/to me. (My parents trained me to accept second best by saying i was the 'sensitive one' and not correcting the behaviour....they labelled me as weak and did their best to condition me to accept my place for the sake of harmony). As an adult i have taken this trait into relationships. Anyway,i forgot my point now...lol..i guess what i want to say is that it did effect me but didn't defeat me.It has made me stronger and more independant (i left home at 17 looking for release from the pain)...i guess if you feel that u have got no-one on your side you have no option but to stand up and be all you need.

I can relate to the brother who's a minister. My brother managed to get a house from my dad. Yes, he has to pay my dad payments on $140,000, but it will be his free and clear when he passes. I had to sign the will in the hospital for my dad after my father had a six-way bypass. Then my father complains to me when my brother decided to go to Scotland for two years and study ministry. Yes, favoritism can be hurtful. I've decided to stay away from my family during the holidays since they've shown so much favoritism. I just want to be at peace.

Sadly enough I have come to the climax of realizing that my mom has lied to me my entire life and on top of it has made me feel insane for believing she doesn't love me as much as my brother. She uses the cover you two are different, but as we have gotten older the reality of it is he is preferred and I am not. I have had to do it all on my own and stuggle with the feelings of being less and not ever good enough. I very rarely even notate my mother on any achievements anyway because the conversation goes like this, " that's nice honey, but when are you going to take care of this and what do you think about your brother." The hard part is my brother and I are really close, he knows he's the favorite and he has openly used his favoritism to benefit me a ttimes. We call him the golden child because everything is pretty much handed to him on a golden platter where as I not only have to beg for something it has to be a complete you are powerful and i am powerless position. MY mother is moving away and when I came to her about my fear of being forgotten and completely segregated from my family she laughed and called me stupid. You have to wonder if there is any love at all in this world if a parent can prefer another child and never be honest about it. At least the other child won't continue the worhtless cause of trying to be superhuman. I just want to let all you unlucky children out there know that you are enough and keep searching for your own truth and self that is in no way attached to your parent. And one day love will find you and it won't be this painful.

What parents who exhibit favoritism need to understand is that their behavior may come back to haunt them when they reach old age. My parents blatently favored my brother over my sister and I for all of our lives. Their attitude was that "boys are special, girls don't count much". All of our lives my parents catered to my brother, helping him in a every way financially, supporting all of his activities at school, putting him on a pedestal in every concievable way. My parents would tell me that "it's up to you girls' husbands to help you in life, not your parents" while still trying to groom us(me mainly) that girls should be dutiful and useful to their parents and that this was OUR role and duty. My brother was to be successful, happy and unfettered by parental concerns as he pursued his life to the full. Well, now, my brother is very successful and living far from mom and dad and they still want nothing from him but his happiness. My sister and I carefully pick and choose what WE want to do for them now and aren't near as available to them as per our training and their hopes. They made no secret that they favor our brother and have helped him to succeed but they also know that my sister and I have come to understand with maturity that they love him more and always have. It's never been about jealousy toward my brother(we are crazy about him too!) but rather, the hurt of being thought so much less of and being loved less. So now, they reap what they have sown and the treatment from us reflects similar attitudes that were directed at my sister and I when we were growing up. We now favor ourselves.

I agree with Cookie 100%....favoritism may come back to haunt them. Do they really think the favored child will be there to take care of them when they've been taught to be so SELFISH? I really hope I get to pick my mother's nursing home. At nearly 38 yof I suffer constantly from being the unfavored one. I have always been the giving, caring one because of all the hurtfulness. My mother will NEVER validate my feelings, she thinks I have a personal problem. So I have talked with family members who have validated my feelings and this has helped me. I need this terribly. I am an identical twin and have had a lot of good fortune in my life while my sister hasn't been so lucky. My mom could never be happy for me because it wasn't good for my sister. Nor can my sister be happy for me because she is so jeaslous and resentful. All this carries through to the grandchildren and now that my son is 9 yof it hurts double to see him feel like Mammaw doesn't really care about him. Also, because Mom never cared about my feelings my sister has been taught that I don't matter. I've always been there for her especially when she was raising two small kids, yet I and my son get practically no time from her. She sees nothing wrong with this and agrees with Mom that I have some other kind of problem. I am trying to remove myself from the situation but it's hard with my son. I am so bitter and angry but hope that some day I can let it all go. Luckily, I have not let this affect my other relationships, although my husband may say different. I have a wonderful husband that always puts me first and a son that thinks I hung the moon! So I refuse to let the bitter, angry side of me that sucks life and happiness from me overpower the happy, caring, considerate, wonderful wife and mother side of me that makes me so happy (constant battle). Don't I deserve this?

I needed this today. I just found out that once again my parents are driving across country to visit my brothers for the Easter holiday. On their trip they will be staying overnight within 2 hours of where I live but have made no mention of getting together. Oh, did I mention that Easter is MY birthday? But I won't be seeing them and they won't be making even a small detour to see me either on their way out or their return trip. Yet they are mad because my brothers recently took a trip and were within 3 hours of THEM but made no effort to see them. In my whole life they have never come to my house. They never come to see me. Sometimes,they stop in my town and stay at hotel on their way to see my brothers. I am almost 50 years old and these things still tear at my heart because I know I would do anything I could for them. Isn't that always the way it is? I have had to learn to find my own self-esteem within myself and from others-not family because the family attitudes are SO very negative always. It was quite a shock to me the first time I realized that others thought I was of worth. Of course my parents said "Well, they don't know you very well, do they?" It took me decades to realize that I really do have worth.
Boy, my husband will have a cow when he hears about this! Thank God for him. And thanks for listening.

Hi. I am so glad I found this after searching the web for an hour and a half. This subject is taboo, I think.
I'm 27 and I am dealing with this situation also.
I came from an abusive family. My father drank and my mother (she did her share of drinking too, while on medication, none the less) was self absorbed in her disease (multiple Sclerosis) throughout my childhood.
There is so much to say about the whole situation, that it's hard to put into a few words. When I was a child my father worked a lot and my mother was raised the "southern way" (she's from Arkansas), to stand by your man and her whole life revolved around him. She would shoo my brother and I off to bed before dad would come home, it didn't matter anyway, he was so tired after work, that he didn't have much time for us. If we were in trouble it was "wait until your father gets home" and the belt was stictly enforced, when he arrived. My mother favored the "switch" (a twig from a tree to swat at your legs with).
I saw the favortisim between my mother and brother right away. I remember him being sick and laying in her lap, but I can never really recall the same mothering. Don't get me wrong, she didn't mother either one of us (my brother and I), really.
When my teen years came along, mom and I didn't get along. Mainly because she came inbetween my dad and I. I was ALWAYS grounded and dad made sure my mom chased me down when I took off to a friends. The mental and physical abuse from my father, made me start contimplating suicide as early as 6th grade. My mother's denile and neglect was just as bad, if not, worse.
When my mother was first diagnosed with M.S., I was mortified.When my mom was first diagnosed she had gotten a spinal tap and I nursed her back to health (spinal taps are very nasty and throw you for a loop), I can't say my mom did much of that for me. My dad decided he'd scare the crap out of me and say mom was dying as of that second, instead of reading about M.S.
Anywho, needless to say my grades in school were terrible. I liked high school only because it was better than staying home. I was told I'd never get a car because my grades were crap. A couple of years later my brother got a car at 16 and his grades were worse than mine. How's that for sexism? I was thrown into the stereotype of setting a "good example", because "I'm older", by my parents and was blamed when he went astray too.
When I was sixteen going on 17 I met my, now, husband. He went to another school and he drove. That's "paridise" to a sixteen-year-old with family probs. I could now take off and not be followed. I was very secretive as to where I went. I still lived at home and went to school. As I write this now, it's a wonder to me how even stayed in school. Needless to say, I ended up pregnant at 18 (by this same boyfriend, now husband). I ended up living with my parents until I was 21 or 22. I had to leave! Even though both my parents loved my son sooo much, the atmophere and the sick nature there was very bad and I didn't want my son to think that is what life is all about.
My brother has lived at home his whole life (he's now 25) and a very dark little individual at that. Mom and dad catered to him and helped him out in every step of the way. They actually feel sorry for him. My brother is a very keen manipulator. His life is full of "buts" and he's an emotional vampire. My mother and father have created a very needy and spoiled little man with a HUGE chip on his shoulder and he believes the world owes him a living. He blames the world for his short commings.
My father and I reconsiled not long before he died, last year, and we became good friends, even though his life style is what killed him in the end. I can actually say he became like a best friend. I found that we had the same sense of humor. Right before he died I promised my dad that I'd care for my ailing mother.
Right before my father passed away he let it be known that I was to have his truck, when he was gone. 'Till this day I haven't gotten it. My mom doesn't feel I'm good enough for it, I guess, but my brother gets my dad's guns that belonged to our for-fathers. I haven't anything that reminds me of my dad and it hurts me unbelievably.

Up until about a week ago, I was actually considering severing ties with my mother because of the sick relationship she has with my brother. When my dad died my brother has put no effort into helping the mother that loves him more than life itself. No matter what I do for her it's never good enough. My brother doesn't do squwat for her. His excuse is that "he works" (like the woman above stated about her brother), but he doesn't pay her a dime. I've bent over backward for her. I'm at her house about every day cleaning, taking her to doc appts and making her dinner. She doesn't appreciate it. When I complain about my brother not helping, she sticks up for him and his "job". Meanwhile, since dad died, I've quit my crappy job and given up my family and any fun in life to help her.
Now, just as I was considering leaving her to fend for herself. Her disease has decided to take a turn for the worst and I have to move in with her. Conveniently, her insuranse doesn't cover all the care she needs. My mother's family looks to me to be obligated. Basically I'm their scapegoat, so they don't have to help the bitter woman. I get the grief trip because my brother isn't going to do it. My mother doesn't want me to move in, she wants little brother to step up. He's mean to her and walks all over her. Everyone has told her he isn't going to change. Everyone has been after her to kick him out for years. I was telling both my parents to get rid of him years ago. I don't get it. My mother always comments about him being "smart like my dad". She never said that about me before. Right before my dad died he told me I was smart and a good person and he was proud of me. That was the acceptance I had finally gotten from him, but my mother hates me.

As of last tuesday, my mom passed out and was rushed to the hospital. I follwed behind the ambulance. I asked my brother (who was at the house) if he were comming, he said he had to work. In the end he showed up about an hour later with his girlfriend. He can't do anything without her. They have a pretty sick relationship too, but I won't go there. I'll just say that when my dad died, he couldn't help make arrangements without her there. It's been that way with her ever since. He and his tramp come before anyone else.
My mother is in a rehabilitation center (to regain strength) this week and I'm trying to make arrangements to move in. Today, I picked out paint for my old bedroom. When I told my mother of this she was pretty pissy about it. She's made it pretty clear she doen't want me there, (but yet she wants me drive across town to her beconing call). I'm just trying to make the place as comfortable as possible for myself. My bedroom will be my only salvation. My husband won't move in with me until my brother leaves, I can understand his feelings on that. My brother is in and out at all hours of the night. My husband has been pretty supportive, but can't understand the sick hold my mother has on me. He thinks I should let her fend for herself, reguardless of her giving birth to me.
In all honesty, the only reason I haven't killed myself is because of my son. My life has always been on the back burner. I don't think I'll ever be able to think of myself first and when/ if I ever do I'll probably feel guilty for it. I feel guilty as of right now, for feeling sorry for myself. I think that's part of the sick training woman are brought up to believe. I don't think it's right, like someone stated above.
I don't know what to do. I feel split in two different directions. My son needs me and I know in my heart he should come first. He'll be moving with me, but caring for her is going to take away my focus on him as it already has since my dad died. I don't think it's fair to him.
I don't know what to do. My aunt sees the sick thing between my brother and mom and sticks up for me, but in the end I'm the one expected to care for her.

At the time my mother was still getting around by herself okay, but she has taken a turn for the worst, it seems.

Void that last sentence, I forgot to edit it.
Sorry about the length. I just don't have anyone to talk to.

Larissa~
I feel your pain! It always seems to fester more during the holidays. My mother favors my brother to the point where my sister-in-law has made a comment to me about it. It has caused much seperation in my family, my brother and I are not close and the only time he calls is when he needs something. Easter is going to be spent at my brothers and I thought it would be nice for them to come to my NEW HOUSE, which they haven't even seen yet! My mother has never been a good communicator and has always put demands and requirements on my father (the poor guy feels trapped). My mom has always come to me to fix problems between her and my father because she knows that me and my father are closer and talk openly. I just feel very resentful towards her as I get older and do not even want to be around my family. My fiance's parents are the complete opposite, and treat all 3 of their sons the same and with the same amount of love....I feel closer to them then my own parents, that is pretty sad.

I was so relieved to find a site that discusses this issue. I will be 50 in a few months, and I've lived unhappily with favoritism (nope, not toward me) for about 30 of those 50 years. Until I left high school for college, things seemed to be pretty even handed, but at that point my 5-year-younger sister learned to walk on water, at least as far as my mother's opinion is concerned. I did the opposite of some of you people and lived completely straight arrow - REALLY tried to make mom happy and to gain some admiration for myself. I worked, pulled down tremendous honors at work and while finishing college, and you know what? Medal of Valor and Phi Beta Kappa weren't good enough. My sister still won, and wins to this day. For example, she would give elegant gifts to my parents at Christmas like clips to hold bread bags, and I would give mom sterling silver and crystal, and then I would hear about how generous my sister was. My sister I've been told is soo much more intelligent than I am, although she never finished any degree in college. She is (admittedly) much prettier, although I'd hope even my mother isn't that shallow. (Ha.) My sister's also vicious and conniving, and not above setting me up ("losing" a gold bracelet when I came to visit her house, and then "finding" it when I returned later to visit) to make me look bad. Of course mom buys every lie with hundred dollar bills every time my sister thinks up a new one.
I think the things that bug us all so much about this situation is the total lack of logic in it, and also the futility of fighting it. It's awful to be bitter, but I know exactly what you all have felt, and like Larissa, the only times I've ever considered suicide were when my mother was at her worst. Now I too have a good husband and child (interesting that Larissa only has one child - my choice was absolutely deliberate that I wouldn't even give myself a chance to perpetrate this kind of misery on the next generation.) It's awful to care so much, when you're all alone in caring.

Just so someone can maybe learn from my mistakes: Don't shower the person showing favoritism with gifts. I've learned to give my mom flowers or clothes instead of something that my sister would be glad to have. My sister has a lot of nice things now. Of course my sister sometimes doesn't even send a birthday card (and then claims I took it out of the mail -another set up) and completely shined my parents' 50th anniversary. But that's ok. "She's awfully busy." My mom also showers my sister with all of the family heirlooms and antiques that she knows I loved (should I not have told her I liked them? Maybe.), and my sister very happily scoops them all up and deposits them in her garage where the rats and her four unruly children can destroy them. Two years ago my poor dad came down with dementia, and I took on the task of getting him into a rest home and having mother move in with us. I still hoped my mom and I would find common ground, but mom's most recent act, after my driving mom almost everywhere, and giving so much time that was due to my family, and trashing our landscaping so she could move into an RV on our property, was to give 99% of the remaining family possessions to my sainted sister. So, don't make yourself too available. My sister almost NEVER calls or writes mom, but is so happy to hear from mom when it's mom's quarter on the phone bill. Do what you have to do as a son or daughter, but don't live your life hoping that someday things will finally change and your mom and or dad will see the light and give you that love that you so desperately seek - they won't. They can't. There is a medical syndrome that describes this (it really and truly is sick) and if anyone out there knows the name of it, I'd love to know so I could research it. I'd love to toss the fact that she has a mental problem in my mom's face too, but that would just lead to another explosion and of course my sister would NEVER do that. I will say this though, I foolishly lived the first 50 years looking for my mother's approval. The next 50 are for me and for mine.

It felt so good reading all these stories about parental favoritism. My parents favored my brother over me and still does. I've noticed that brothers are usually favored over sisters in all of the stories I've read about favoritism. He is perfect in their eyes, and I can hardly breathe right. The biggest letdown was having to live at home for a while while my brother was living there too. It was like being 13 years old again with him being pampered and me being criticized just about constantly. Well, I am an adult now with my own condo and totally free of my family, and I am loving it!!!!

Wow, I'm so glad I'm far from being alone. My mom and dad have always showed tremendous favortism toward my youngest sister. They never helped me buy a car and wouldn't help me with college. I've always had to hold a job and work for everything. Nothing I've ever done meant anything to them. I'm now 30 and my sister is 24. They just bought her another brand new, fully loaded car. This is her third brand new vehicle. She totally trashed the other two. They paid for her an apartment when she wasn't working and wasn't going to school just because she didn't want to live at home. She spent all that time working on her photography. (Something I was always interested in, but didn't have the time and money to persue.) She got a partial scholarship to a good college and they pay for everything else. She doesn't have to work and of course had a house full of free furniture, plenty of free clothes, and pretty much anything she wants. They've watched me struggle over the years and acted like they just couldn't afford to help me. My husband (of 6 years) thinks it's so obvious how they treat me. My mom thinks I'm crazy and that nothing will make me happy. I was trying not to say anything about the latest vehicle, but my mom started to tell me all about what it has. I just said that I didn't really want to hear about it. She got mad and it's all my fault. I'm just the most horrible person! She always says, "Well, that's just Jennifer!" My husband hates that. He thinks it's horrible the way they put me down and make me feel bad about myself. I'm just glad to know that I'm not alone. The one thing I think I'm proud of, is that what I have accomplished, I did so by myself. They can't take credit for my accomplishments. I also think that one day they will regret their decisions. I think they will probably always be supporting my youngest sister.

I have four children and am one of four. Second daughter of four. My parents never played favorites but my grandmother did. She favored and still does, My older sister , my mother over her brother. Very obvious favoritism. It kept me distant from her , emotionally for years.I believed I had worked that out until I recently started to deal with my In-laws blatant favoritism of my nephew over my youngest son. The boys are the same age. My Father in-law will actually proudly boast that "W" is his favorite. All my old stuff comes up and I want to literally tell him where to go, and throw him out of the house. I get anxious and angry when I know we will be "graced with their presence" Thankfully it's not often.I'm preparing for their arrival now and I have to say it's very uncomfortable for me. I'm very protective of my children. I love each of my children with the same intensity, each for their own reasons. At times one needs me more then the others and the ones watching know it's o.k. because they understand the circumstance. I pay close attention to remind each child what I find special about them and at the end of every day they know I love them.The idea that somebody could step in and make one of my children feel less then is a true test of my will. My husband won't say a word as he was the Black Sheep of his family and was treated rather badly and still is often dismissed. Though he is a wonderful man, father and husband. His family does'nt give him credit for anything. I keep waiting for him to unleash 41 years of pain onto his father when he see's him do these things to his own son.

I knew and didn't know about favortisim in my house. I was what you call "asleep" and would react with anger at all the wrong times. Which ofcourse made me look real bad. Now I'm 23, Not until my fiance moved in with us (he's from out of state) when I began to really slowly understand my emotions and reactions. Why I felt certain things everytime I was in my house dealing with family. Starting with my mother-we never got along, she is mean, a gossiper, loves negativity, but expects the world of respect when it comes to her. She expected everyone to respect her bull shit of a family (siblings/mother)and always was open minded to others than her own. Everyone always said you have a such a cool mom... (idiots) I have 3 siblings. 2 sister, 1 brother. My oldest sister who is only a year apart from me portrays herself as this smart, good two-shoe, socially active person. She is a manipulator in one word. She is a jealous person and does not know who she is. That's sad. She just got married a few months ago, and now is back at our house probably filing for a divorce. Everyone knows why she got married? It was to beat me since I'm the younger and in the middle eastern generation they say the younger is not suppose to get married first. What sucks is that she portrayed me to look like I'm jealous of her cause she's getting married etc.. to her new inlaws who looked down at me and laughed at me. But know I believe they all know who was the jealous since they are experience first hand from her doings. Poor people. They even gave her a really nice wedding. The other two siblings aren't much an issue for me since we are 6-7 years apart. Since my sister was going to get married the favortisim began with my mother and her. I'm not the jealous type, don't get me wrong. I just feel its not fair when I have done nothing to deserve such treatment. And I know all of you feel the same. I even explained to my mother recently about how I feel hoping she'll understand since several actions in front of family proved my suspicion. Ofcourse she said I'm jealous and crazy. So I told her I don't know you as my mother anymore... Basically we're not talking and my sister is living with us right know since she is in the middle of a divorce. Last saturday my fiance and I cooked dinner for family and my sister and her inlaws were invited also along with uncles and aunts. I made a special sweet for that event. Ofcourse my mom would not say out loud who would like a piece of what i made, she just turned her back to sweets and asked everyone if they wanted any of the other two. That hurt. I know why she didn't say it out loud, so that she doesn't make my older sister look bad. Now that is low for a mom. There are other things also. Whenever I say something I'm childish or crazy. Pay no attention. And the sick thing is she's got her whole messed up family giving me pity looks. I don't appreciate shit like this. And I'm open about not spending time with all them idiots. These last few days have been so hard, my fiance agrees with me, says I have every right to be hurt and just don't speak to them for the time being and see what turns out. I have a feeling I'll be moving out soon with him and never looking back.

thanks for listening, if any advice for me pls feel free.

I remember on many occasionsduring my youth that me and my younger brother would get into trouble at times as most boys do, and when my father got home my mother would let him know we had behaved badly. Many times only I was beaten. What still hurts today, 25 years later is that when it came time to be punished by my father(ususally the ole belt) many times my younger brother would run to my mother and my mother would ask my father not to punish him, and he would'nt. I was 11 he was 9 at the time. This scenario would play out many times during my early years. My mother denies it all, but she thinks I have an incredible memory (she has even admitted to this). These events lead me down a road of low self esteem and deep depression. One day I couldn't take the emotional agony anymore and I attempted suicide just to stop the intense pain in my heart. She freaked out when this happened, and insisted that maybe they need to seek professional attention for me, but my father said absolutly not.I never felt loved at my house, it was fear and a great feelings of guilt that seem to envelope my soul almost everyday. My brother is still her favorite today,
I have been regraded as the one with problems, even though a served 4 years in the Air Force, have a four year degree from a major University, Been both a teacher and a Real Estate Broker with his own office. But even today thier is still alot of pain, althuogh I manage it much better. I really do not have a great memory but some pains are hard for anyone to forget.

I am so glad I found this web site. My father and step-mother make it so obvious that they love my half-sister more, although I truthfully don't think they realize it. I am 39 years old and my half-sister, I'll call her "Anne", is 22 years old. If you didn't know my father and step-mother and you were to walk into their house, you would think they only have 1 child. Why you ask? Because even though there are 5 children in our family, only "Anne's" pictures are all over the livingroom. I have given them pictures to put up before and they only stay up for awhile and then mysteriously disappear off the walls. I really hate Christmas time at their house, but I feel obligated to go since it is my family. Whereas I will get a few presents, "Anne" and my step-brother will get tons of presents and not cheap presents either. I hate to sound greedy because I'm not, I just can't believe that they can not see how that would hurt my feelings. I choke back the tears while I'm at there house because it's so obvious who is loved more. When "Anne" was little I understood why she got so many gifts because she was just that, little. But she's 22 now and still is treated like a princess. "Anne" got to go to a private school, college and pretty much whatever she wanted. If she wants to do something with my parents they pretty much jump out of their seats to do something with her, whereas, they make me feel like they don't have time to do something if I ask them. When we are at gatherings together, it never fails, it always turns into, "oh remember when "Anne" was little and she did this". I usually don't hang around much once this starts because I get sick and tired of hearing these stories.

I love my sister and I love my father and step-mother, but it really does hurt my feelings so much that 1 child has gotten so much when there are 4 other children. Of course none of us are children anymore, my brother is 41, my other sister is 44, and my step-brother is 33. I know all of this bothers my older sister because we have talked about it, but it doesn't really bother her anymore becuase she doesn't talk to them anymore for other reasons. My older brother lives out of state so he doesn't have to deal with it and well my step-brother lives with them still at the age of 33, so I don't dicuss it with him.

I found this website today, right after I had gotten off the phone with my dad. I had told him that it hurt my feelings that I wasn't asked to go to an event at which my step-mother, him, "Anne", and her boyfriend had gone to. It was a sports event which I am a fan of and I was hurt that I wasn't even asked if I wanted to go. I couldn't believe it when my father got all mad at me for being upset. He knows I'm a huge fan of this sport and it just hurt so much that I wasn't even thought of. After he got mad, I just said, fine, I will never tell you how I feel again. Instead of saying something like I'm sorry we didn't think of you, he didn't even apolize, he just said ok. That's why I found this site. I am at my wits ends with this "favoritism" crap. I'm tired of crying about it and I don't know what to do anymore. Any advise would really be appreciated.

I am so glad I found this web site. My father and step-mother make it so obvious that they love my half-sister more, although I truthfully don't think they realize it. I am 39 years old and my half-sister, I'll call her "Anne", is 22 years old. If you didn't know my father and step-mother and you were to walk into their house, you would think they only have 1 child. Why you ask? Because even though there are 5 children in our family, only "Anne's" pictures are all over the livingroom. I have given them pictures to put up before and they only stay up for awhile and then mysteriously disappear off the walls. I really hate Christmas time at their house, but I feel obligated to go since it is my family. Whereas I will get a few presents, "Anne" and my step-brother will get tons of presents and not cheap presents either. I hate to sound greedy because I'm not, I just can't believe that they can not see how that would hurt my feelings. I choke back the tears while I'm at there house because it's so obvious who is loved more. When "Anne" was little I understood why she got so many gifts because she was just that, little. But she's 22 now and still is treated like a princess. "Anne" got to go to a private school, college and pretty much whatever she wanted. If she wants to do something with my parents they pretty much jump out of their seats to do something with her, whereas, they make me feel like they don't have time to do something if I ask them. When we are at gatherings together, it never fails, it always turns into, "oh remember when "Anne" was little and she did this". I usually don't hang around much once this starts because I get sick and tired of hearing these stories.

I love my sister and I love my father and step-mother, but it really does hurt my feelings so much that 1 child has gotten so much when there are 4 other children. Of course none of us are children anymore, my brother is 41, my other sister is 44, and my step-brother is 33. I know all of this bothers my older sister because we have talked about it, but it doesn't really bother her anymore becuase she doesn't talk to them anymore for other reasons. My older brother lives out of state so he doesn't have to deal with it and well my step-brother lives with them still at the age of 33, so I don't dicuss it with him.

I found this website today, right after I had gotten off the phone with my dad. I had told him that it hurt my feelings that I wasn't asked to go to an event at which my step-mother, him, "Anne", and her boyfriend had gone to. It was a sports event which I am a fan of and I was hurt that I wasn't even asked if I wanted to go. I couldn't believe it when my father got all mad at me for being upset. He knows I'm a huge fan of this sport and it just hurt so much that I wasn't even thought of. After he got mad, I just said, fine, I will never tell you how I feel again. Instead of saying something like I'm sorry we didn't think of you, he didn't even apolize, he just said ok. That's why I found this site. I am at my wits ends with this "favoritism" crap. I'm tired of crying about it and I don't know what to do anymore. Any advise would really be appreciated.

We siblings who feel this way should form a club, and we should not include the other more favored siblings in our organization. I was amazed to see so many people who still feel the hurt and pain I always thought was just my own. Thank you all for sharing such intamate thoughts with me. I was the youngest child of three. I was always reminded by my sister (the middle one) that I was an accident, "but we love you just the same", she would always say. By the time I was about seven years old I decided I would really get my sister in trouble by telling my mother she had been saying this to me. Much to my surprise my mother's response was, "why yes that is true, and we do love you just the same sweetheart" I didn't quite understand what the accident part meant, but I did understand that my mother and sister had a relationship in which my mother felt comfortable sharing secrets about me with her. And that somehow this wasn't quite right because my sister was too young to be my mother's confidant.
Over the years it was my sister who was given all the trips to meet the other relatives, the ballet lessons, the lavish gifts and the attention.
My poor brother, who was the oldest, was most pampered until the second child (my sister) came along. Then he was unceremoniously given the boot. I always felt that my mother favored my sister, my father favored me, and no one favored my brother, although I idolized him.
Over the many years I have come to learn many things. I am 50 years old with my own 2 children. I have learned how to be a better parent by my trying to do the opposite of my mother's horrible example. I have raised two wonderful children, and I love them equaly. This year I took my 86 year old mother back east to visit her siblings. I was amazed when my aunt(my mother's sisiter who is one year younger than my mother) asked to go for a walk with me. During this walk, she poured her heart out to me how her mother (my grandmother) had always favored my sister, and how much that had hurt her all of her life. She told me they kept secrets together, went out together (always leaving my aunt behind staring out the window after them) and celebrated my mother's birthday and graduation while ignoring my aunts'. My aunt told me that she realized my mother favored my sister and it had always bothered her. I felt such a relief in my heart that someone had understodd and shared my pain.
I also realized something else. Of the 2 women, my aunt was the kindest most generous one, the better parent and just the nicer and more likable person in general.
I know that I am leading a happier more fulfilled life than my sister, who becomes more and more like my mother daily. Maybe, just maybe...being the favorite one is not the best thing in the long run. We just need to get over the pain that favoritism causes, and never be caught at the cemetary standing over our parents graves and asking them why they didn't seem to love us enough

Kate: I can relate to your story in many ways and your inciteful comments were inspiring

I too was the youngest of 3 children with an older sister and brother (7 and 9 years respectively). My parents divorced when I was 7 and my sister and brother lived with my mother whilst I lived with my father raised practically as an only child. He was not in contact with any of his relatives so he was lonely in a way too.

As a child I would sometimes visit my mother and siblings but I was always referred to as the 'visitor' and was not treated like a daughter. My mother also told her family not to talk to me because I was no longer her daughter. I never saw them at all. Yes, she was a very bitter woman. So from the age of 7 I made to feel unworthy of love and was treated terribly, needless to say after 19 years of trying to win my mother's affection I have ceased speaking to my family for the last 9 years.

I spent my childhood lonely without any family except for a mostly missing father. I watched my brother and sister get all of the love and the material things (jewelery, uni fees, cars, houses etc). I didn't even get presents at Christmas. They didn't mind that I was treated like an outcast. If I asked for even a single dollar my mother would tell me to go ask my father for it. I hated visits to my mother's house as I would always leave in tears. I think my father encouraged these visits but didn't realise (or care to realise) how badly I was treated there.

These days my sister calls once a year to try and catch up. I have stopped making an effort to have a relationship with her because my family's cruelty still haunts me. My brother was recently hurt badly in a car aciddent. I wasn't even told until much later then my sister tried to make me feel guitly for not visiting him in the hospital that he had alreadly left.

I have never told my story before because shame of being different makes me hide it mostly. Those close to me know some of it but I never fully trust that they could understand my pain. This is the first time I have come across a forum that I can even begin to relate to at a deeper level.

I think my story fits into the category of extreme favouritism because I am not really sure where else to put it.

Dear Sara,
I felt so sorry for all you've been through after reading your message. Sometimes the disfunction in a family goes beyond disfunction and becomes like poison. I always want to work things out with friends and my husband and children. But with your family that can be difficult. If they are not open to talking about what you feel and what you have been through, you end up feeling more violated when you approach them. I can understand how you feel resentment towards your siblings for not understanding or acknowleding your pain. I had once tried to talk to my mother and sister about how they made me feel, but they tried to make it sound like I was one of the Smothers Brothers (you know the "mom always liked you best" line?). Now what I try to do is address things as they come up. For example my mother and sister always go to the cemetery to bring flowers to my dad's grave. The first father's day after he had died I asked them to please include me when they went. That Father's Day morning at 10:00 I still hadn't heard from them, so I called and asked when we were going. MY mother very coldly told me that she and my sister had already gone and I needn't go because they already brought flowers. I let this hurt me for years and rarely went to the cemetery. This last Fathers Day I got some beautiful flowers at the farmers market on Saturday and went anyway.We were leaving town for the weekend so I called to let my mom know I wouldn't be around. She told me she was waiting for my sister because it was Fathers Day tomorrow (she said this as if I wouldn't know that) and she and my sister always go to the cemetery on Father's Day. I told her that was so sweet, and I had already been there. She went ballistic. "Oh No! Why did YOU go? You know your sister and I always go. You didn't bring flowers did you? OH NO!!! What am I going to do with MY flowers now?"
I said, "Yes I did bring flowers mother, and they were just lovely. But the cemetery is big enough for everyone...the living and the dead. I am not a jealous girl. You can put your flowers in with mine and they can be OUR flowers. And please stop acting so crazy." It really worked. She has been apologetic ever since. She and my sister also have removed me from all the family memeories. The other day they were talking about my kids and all these cute things they have done that I told them about. But somehow in their memories, I wasn't around and my sister (who has never had anything to do with my kids) was there. Normally I would have just been hurt and angry. I was impowered by the cemetery incident and I spoke up again. "You know I don't mind sharing my memories with you guys, but they are just that...MY memeories. Sorry but my sister wasn't there and I'm the one who told you those stories. I will not let you take my memories from me." It worked. They actually apologized. (At least my mother did. My sister will require much more work) My family is not as unkind as yours, but the point is...sometimes you have to speak up. You have to figure your brother and sister must have many many issues as they were raised by your mother longer than you were. You most likely came out a much better person. Life is short. See if you can keep communication going with your siblings at least but don't be afraid to speak up. It would be a shame if your mother's doing succeeded in destroying a family. The speaking up is hard when you've been abused emotionally abused for so long. But once you are able to do it (stay calm and don't scream at them) it's a great feeling. Maybe they are worth keeping. You need to let them know when they do something wrong. They are not good hearted enough to know on their own. You are.
You sound like a wonderful person.
Kay

Thankyou Kay
You are a very strong person to have risen above the hurtful actions of your family. I am really happy for you that you are starting to feel some control in your relationship with your mother. I appreciate your advice to me about letting my family know when they are doing something hurtful to me. I recently poured my heart out to my sister (as I have done so in the past) and all she did was nod and leave. I wasn't angry at her I just told her I felt neglected all my life. She never asked later how I was feeling. Affection is a dirty word to her. She can't even hug me.

The burden of the hurt that I carry around on my shoulders only makes me appreciate more what I have around me. I have a beautiful son and loving partner with a wonderful family who make me feel loved. I still have attachment problems though to those around me and I always have some level of emotional distance due to fear of rejection but I hope to learn to trust in people and believe in myself more over time.

I recently became an auntie a year ago and I have yet to see my niece because my brother has yet to contact me. I contacted him after I found out that he was a father (I didn't even know his wife was pregnant) and he said we'd catch up. Hmmm... still waiting. My partner has 12 nieces and nephews and I am auntie to them all. Perhaps I am better off after all.

Sara

My brother has always been favoured. I have had health probs all my life due a an operation mum and dad decided I needed when I was four. Since then I have had major problems all my life and my parents have classed me as 'the problem child' and it's always been my brother who can do no wrong and I can do no right. He was always praised for how well he did at school, taken to sports and encouraged and praised. I was discouraged, being told I don't cope with things, I'm too weak. Now we are adults and my brother has a family (I do not) and my parents still favour him in that they put all their time and energy into helping them both physically and financially. I no longer feel part of our family. My brother doens't have to do anything but they class him as wonderful. I was the one who looked after my elderly grandparents, visit mum and dad, buy gifts etc and he does nothing but they still say how disappointed they are in me for not helping them all out more. I cannot do enough and yet my energy levels are low due to health problems. I feel angry and sad a lot of the time as I have always thought the world of my family and have put them first but always feel excluded. They all go on social outings together and I find out afterwards. I am so glad to be able to get this off my chest and hear of other people in the same boat.

I am a stepmother of three children. My husband can see no-right in his eldest daughter and he see's no-wrong with his 2nd child, Ashley. The youngest is a son. I have been trying to get through to him for the past five years that he is not doing himself or Ashley any favors and that his favortism of her is hurting the whole family. I am going to see a counselor next week and try to get help for him again, but I don't think it will work. I can't live like this and am about ready to leave him and take the oldest daughter with me. Does any one have any thoughts or suggestions for me?

Thank you all for sharing. My heart is broken right now, but I do fill a little better after reading your stories. I'm not alone after all! I am the only daughter with 3 brothers.I'm the second child. My older brother and I are and always will be very close. My parents have always treated him bad. My mother told me my whole life that I was stupid and always tearing me down with her words. She would tell my father lies about me so he would stay mad at me. He would say things like you need to go to a mental hospital. So I grow up with very low self esteem. My Mother's favorite was my youger brother after me. She told me many many times that he was her favorite. But that would not stop my love for him. We were very close growing up. My baby brother is the golden child. I didn't realise that until I was an adult. I left home when I was 17. I am happy to say that my mother and I became great friends about 4 or 5 years before she died. I quess I have been living in a dream world about my father. I was never aloud to have a father daughter relationship. Mother was so jealous. So all my life in the back of my mind I knew we would bond. Oh how nieve am I! My Dad is 81 with heart problems and a whole lot of other health problems. My 3 brother have always lived off my Dad. Their alcholholics and lazy bumms. I moved back home to take care of Dad. The golden boy would not take our Father to the hospital when he has having a heart attack. But Dad still thinks he can do no wrong. I am killing myself tring to get the house and yard liveable again. They treat me like a freak because I am not a lazy slob like my brothers. But tonight I realized nothing that I can do or say will win over my Dad. I mean nothing to him. I quess I never did. I am just a girl. But you know I have 3 wonderful children and 3 wonderful grandchildren that I adore, and the most wonderful part. They all adore me. Thank God!!! So how do I deal living with my Father, golden boy, and my 2 other brothers? They live at my father's cabin at the lake. My Father will die under the care of those brothers of mine. (They only care for the WILL. Does anyone have any suggestions? I would love to hear some. We do need a club.
Sorry this is so long.
Love T.

I am so surprised to find this post! I am in my early 40's and never thought that there were so many others going through the same experiences as me. I am the oldest of 3 with a brother one year younger and a sister 11 years younger. My brother and I are the least favorite of the 3. My younger sister grew up as a wild child doing things me nor my brother would ever imagine and we were always considered as just not "doing our best" while she was treated as if she could do no wrong. My sister is never wrong and does spiteful things just to show that she is the favorite child. My brother wants nothing to do with my Mother or sister and I have tried hopelessly, in the past, to let them both know how we have felt over the years. My Mother doesn't say anything and there is not talking to my sister about this subject without a major explosion. I have 4 children that my Mother doesn't know very well because she could not find the time and she was busy with my sister's child and now new baby. Recently, I became aware of a health problem and my mother wants to spend time with my children. I am trying to forgive her for everything but my sister's jealousy raises it's ugly head every time the chance arises. She insists that she and/or her children have to be included when my Mother spends time with my children or she has to be in control of the situation. It has gotten to the point that only my 10-year old daughter wants to visit with them and I am debating on moving farther away to be rid of all the stress. All the love that my husband and I have given our children and made it a point to not show favoritism has kept me happy over the years, along with all of the neices and nephews we share on his side of the family. This favoritism has been going on for as long as I can remember and it hasn't bothered me that much until recently.

hey people! i'm still schooling and i have to come out with an essay on Favouritism. could you guys give me more ideas and comments? thanks. it'll be much appreciated. Apparently, i also have this problem. with my brother being favoured. So what if we are girls. We ALl have the right regardless of sex. and y should boys be regarded in a higher level? i just don't understand.

I don't know if the readers of this blog will reply to you. It's possible that favoritism is an innate response. I'm sure you know that the strongest, fastest, and smartest of a litter survive (survival of the fittest), and it's possible that favoritism is somehow linked to that. It's a response that doesn't make sense in times when we are able to feed and clothe all our children, so I suspect that it's an age old response that we have not been able to curb.

If you use Hollywood as an example, the most beautiful are often chosen over less attractive people who are better actors.

In politics, the tallest men have an edge in elections. You might research the height of our presidents. I suspect that those who were elected by the general populace were tall men.

Women in my mother's generation were taught that being married was the highest goal a woman could aspire to, so to have any status, they needed to marry the wealthiest men, or those who were high in public office, or CEOs of companies. Their status derived from their husband's positions. Perhaps those women also saw their children, and their children's abilities, as assets in that same reach for status.

So, I'd advise you to research along the lines of survival of the fittest, and see what you can find.

Good luck!

Buffy

I was very happy and relieved to find this site and realize that there are other people just like me. I do not agree, however, with Buffy's idea that parents prefer the best-looking sibling, or that we can excuse the abuse of parental favoritism as stating that it is merely an age-old problem. I was the youngest child until I was 15-years old. Growing up I had two older brothers, and my mom favored me because I was the only girl. Not only did her jealousy cause my brothers to despise me but also my dad. My brothers made my life miserable, and I grew up with much abuse. When I was 15, my parents who were 41 and 47 years old at the time found out they were having another daughter. I remember being so happy. Our relationship was great until my sister was nine, and I moved to anther state. We were extremely close, and she was a very sweet girl. When I returned three years later, I was shocked to find an extremely spoiled and self-centered 12-year old. She resented me coming back because during my absence she had lived like an only child. My parents' relationship with my sister is almost that of grandparents. I remember my mom telling me when my sister was 12-years old that the reason she never told her "no" was because she heard that a parent should never say "no" to a child. Thankfully, my parents didn't raise me that way. My parents literally compete for my sister's attention; and because my sister still seems to be quite competitive with me, even though she is now 20, and I am 35, my parents will never compliment me or say anything positive towards me, because to say something nice about me might upset my sister. If you were to visit their house, you see one or two pictures of my brothers and I and literally hundreds of my sister and her fiance. When my husband and I have confronted my mom about their obsession with my sister (my parents won't go anywhere without her and her fiance, her fiance's parents are their only friends, my sister has never had a job, etc.), my mom said some extremely hurtful things. My mom wouldn't even go out to lunch alone with my husband, our children, and I (we live 8-hours away from them) because my sister insisted on being there knowing that it would create an argument, which it did. After our last miserable trip to visit my parents (sister still lives at home, of course), my husband and I no longer hear from my mom, and I do not have a relationship with my parents. I never had a relationship with my dad, but it is sad to feel like you have neither a mom or a dad. As far as looks go, I come from a nice-looking family, and I would not say my sister is any better looking. She is favored because is the youngest. Almost every one of these stories has to do with favortism towards the youngest, regardless of gender. I went from the favorite to the least favored merely because I went from the youngest to the middle child. My life would have been so much better had my parents just loved all of us the same, the way it should be. The only good that can come from all of this is learning from history and stopping the cycle. I have two beautiful girls, whom I adore with all my heart. I know I will never play favortism! It's such a hurtful thing.

I was the youngest daughter in a family of 5 (with one older brother and sisiter). My mother absolutely favored my older sister who was the middle child in our litter (I was 4 years younger than she). I disagree that the favored child is usually the fittest or the prettiest. In our family this was not true. After all the years I have come to realize that my mother favored my sister because my sister was the child most like my mother. Although her other 2 children (myself and my brother) are more attractive and more successful than my sister, my mother has only one place in her heart, and it is reserved for my sister. It could be that my mother's capability to love is limited, and there is just no room in her heart for more love. It could be that in my sister my mother sees herself, and she is a little too selfish to love others more than herself (which I know you must do now that I am a parent of 2). It could also be that my mother is just repeating the family dynamics she knew as a child (my aunt tells me that my mother was the favorite child). Whatever the reason, it has been difficult for the rest of the family and for my relationship with my sister. It's not that I resent my sister, but having my mother's love is not enough for my sister, and she resents my successes and my happiness (which my mother also seems to resent). I don't think there is any set formula for favoritism. I do think it has to do with the emotional and psychological limitations our parents have. Unfortunately, small children have no way of understanding this. There is great relief in learning from our parents' mistakes and becoming the very best parents we can be with NO FAVORITISM.

Katy, you are absolutely right. There is no specific formula for favoritism. I think, as human beings, we try to understand something we cannot comprehend by trying to put a label on it.

Katy, you are absolutely right. There is no specific formula for favoritism. I think, as human beings, we try to understand something we cannot comprehend by trying to put a label on it.

I would like to say that parents who raised children of more than two are totaly biginners when it comes to "Favoritism". I am in the middle,with 4 sisters and 4 brothers, I lived a miserable and a happy life. I learned to accept and respect my parents decisions. I knew that I had no other choices because they didn't seem they want to hurt our feelings. Parents are very
aware about this. Sometimes we need to let it be and not try to be angry or stressed.
Parents needs help and need to adjust their decisions in this area. It's a learning process that need time and good patience.
Of course my older brother worked and brought food on the table and he was my parents favorite child, I respected that because I was only a student. He always had big steaks etc...and it didn't bother me.
The point I want to make is let help our parents and make them believe they are your most favorite in the world and maybe you will have your chunk of steak one day. Cheers and may allah bless you all.

Mohamed;

You need to stop preaching because that doesn't help at all. Sometimes the favoritism by parents is extremely out of hand and I don't believe that just because they are our parents that they have the right to treat one child like a king/queen and the other like crap. I do believe in respecting your parents, but not when they are so outrightly cruel to one child. My mother disrespected me for years in every way that she possibly could. Nothing I did was ever good enough for that woman. I finally got fed up with it and I blew up at her. That was almost 10 years ago. I'm a much happier person without her in my life. As I said earlier, I don't believe that just because your parents gave you life, you have to let them treat you like crap. It really is a shame that some people (myself included) don't talk to a parent because of the way they were treated badly, but let me tell you, It's a lot better not having to hear them complain about you being a loser all the time. I have a great father who has always been proud of me and respectful of all the decisions I've made, he makes up for the crappy mother I had.

So for those of you dealing with favoritism. If it really is that bad and you have discussed how you feel with your parent/parents and they still don't understand why you feel how you do. Then get them out of your life and don't let others give you the crap that just because they are your parent/parents that you have to respect them. You have to earn respect in life and parents who are guilty of favoritism and continually treat one child like crap, deserve to be treated like crap right back. No person has the right to make another feel unloved or unwanted.

Sorry to be so blunt, but that's how I feel.

Mohamed,
You are a lucky man. You don't know what favoritism is. It has nothing to do with the bigger steak.

Kathy,
Definition:to promote the interest of a person or persons to the neglect of others having equal claims.
Favoritism in my opinion devalues people, it 's dangerous and unwise to show favoritism in a family, it can be hurtful and it does have serious and long lasting effect. Eventhough I am muslim I attending a catholic school where I studied the Bible. I found out that God shows & condemn favoritism as well.
I am not trying to preach anyone however I travelled the world and left the past behind me. I am about 10.000 Kms from home.
In the past I joined the army in France and I learned self discipline. The army gave me strength and more confidence. Currently I am facing the world in a very positive ways and I am having alot of fun with my two boys (sometimes I still do ask myself: I wish I had same childhood)..anyway when I was a kid I cried alot, I guess I was very sensitive to these issues. The way how I look at it now is different. Some of us will keep carrying the scare of favoritism for a long and lasting period unless one day you decide to quit your job and move out in a far land and start a new life. The more I talk to people and the more I found it hard for women to forgive. Men in the other hand are evasive and are not comfortable talking about their experiences.

I thought I was the only one who has been hurt deeply by favoritism! My only sister (almost 9 years my junior) has always been favored by my mother. She was given an expensive college education away from home. I earned a full scholarship to our local college, but my was not allowed to live on campus. I was bothered by this, but continued my relationship with my family. I married, went to graduate school and taught while putting my husband through law school. We have four wonderful children, three of them in their late teens and early twenties and one younger daughter who is 9 and deeply loved by the older three. My sister lived at home until the age of 30 and paid no rent to help my parents. She ran up lots of credit card debt and lived pretty well. I was given a very simple, but elegant wedding. My sister was given a lavish wedding. We almost starved in graduate school, but I married and chose to support us. I never expected any help from my parents. It was character building and I learned to budget and to do without. Go forward many years. I am now almost 50 and my Dad has been deceased for almost 5 years. He was a wonderful man and I miss him terribly. I know I was loved by him. My children were loved by him and he made an effort to know them. My mother, on the other hand,has always shown favoritism to my sister. She says that my sister "needed" her and I was too independent. Since my father died, my sister has raided my mother's antiques and used her in many ways. My father's wishes were that the estate was to be equally divided and not until the death of both parents. The worst part is that this favoritism has gone on for a second generation. My neice, my younger sister's only child is eight years old and attends the same school as my 9 year old. My daughter has spent the night one time at my mother's house. It was shortly after my father died. My niece has her own bed and many toys at my mother's home. My mother has showered my niece with many expensive dolls and toys. She gave my daughter the same set of Barbie outfits for two Christmases in a row. Explain that to a 9 year old! I have been a stay-at-home mother since my first child was born. There were some lean years in there especially while we were getting started, but I do not regret this decision. My children are turning out very well, professionally and most important,they have good personal lives and relationships. We am very proud of them and very close to them. I have a wonderful 28 year marrige to a man I love very much. My sister returned to work shortly after the birth of my niece and has done well professionally. But here's the catch! Since the day my niece was born, my mother has been there. She kept her many of her young days. She went with my sister to the pediatric visits. She picked up my niece from nursery school and she continues to pick her up from school every single day. This is done in front of my daughter. It is heart-breaking to see my daughter's face when my niece drives off to swimming lessons with "Nana" and goes home with her for Friday afternoons at "Nana's" house. Although I am grateful that I am there for my daughter, she has been cheated out of having a grandmother. I have been angry with my mother many times over this situation and I have let her know it, but her response is that my niece " needs" her. (My sister uses her and my mother is happy to oblige.) The breaking point came this summer. My niece had broken her arm in the spring and this disrupted her swimming. My mother felt that the eight year old needed something to cheer her up, so she took my niece to Ireland for three weeks. Explain that to my daughter! Explain that to my older children! I am sure that my sister helped to fund the trip, but the ridiculous nature of the whole situation came to light. My older children have slowly ceased their visits to "Nana's" to check on her. I feel quite confident that my sister is checking on her and her estate. I have done my best to shield my daughter from the details, but she feels rejected. I have not had contact with my mother since she returned from her trip abroad. I plan to be pleasant when we make eye contact, but I am finished playing the game. I have plenty to keep me busy and a full life. For a while I was depressed, but that got me nowhere. I am thinking about it some, but trying to put it on a back burner. It is helpful to know that I am not alone. Favoritism is wrong and hurtful. I am determined to break the cycle. Isn't it interesting that my mother has attached herself to the daughter who hasn't had time for her own young daughter?
When the time comes to care for her in her old age, and she is 74 now, so it isn't too far off, I have vowed to show her the kindness she doesn't deserve. That is not for her sake, but for the sake of my children, modeling good behavior for them. After all, everything comes out in the wash. And wash day is coming.

I thought I was the only one who has been hurt deeply by favoritism! My only sister (almost 9 years my junior) has always been favored by my mother. She was given an expensive college education away from home. I earned a full scholarship to our local college, but my was not allowed to live on campus. I was bothered by this, but continued my relationship with my family. I married, went to graduate school and taught while putting my husband through law school. We have four wonderful children, three of them in their late teens and early twenties and one younger daughter who is 9 and deeply loved by the older three. My sister lived at home until the age of 30 and paid no rent to help my parents. She ran up lots of credit card debt and lived pretty well. I was given a very simple, but elegant wedding. My sister was given a lavish wedding. We almost starved in graduate school, but I married and chose to support us. I never expected any help from my parents. It was character building and I learned to budget and to do without. Go forward many years. I am now almost 50 and my Dad has been deceased for almost 5 years. He was a wonderful man and I miss him terribly. I know I was loved by him. My children were loved by him and he made an effort to know them. My mother, on the other hand,has always shown favoritism to my sister. She says that my sister "needed" her and I was too independent. Since my father died, my sister has raided my mother's antiques and used her in many ways. My father's wishes were that the estate was to be equally divided and not until the death of both parents. The worst part is that this favoritism has gone on for a second generation. My neice, my younger sister's only child is eight years old and attends the same school as my 9 year old. My daughter has spent the night one time at my mother's house. It was shortly after my father died. My niece has her own bed and many toys at my mother's home. My mother has showered my niece with many expensive dolls and toys. She gave my daughter the same set of Barbie outfits for two Christmases in a row. Explain that to a 9 year old! I have been a stay-at-home mother since my first child was born. There were some lean years in there especially while we were getting started, but I do not regret this decision. My children are turning out very well, professionally and most important,they have good personal lives and relationships. We am very proud of them and very close to them. I have a wonderful 28 year marrige to a man I love very much. My sister returned to work shortly after the birth of my niece and has done well professionally. But here's the catch! Since the day my niece was born, my mother has been there. She kept her many of her young days. She went with my sister to the pediatric visits. She picked up my niece from nursery school and she continues to pick her up from school every single day. This is done in front of my daughter. It is heart-breaking to see my daughter's face when my niece drives off to swimming lessons with "Nana" and goes home with her for Friday afternoons at "Nana's" house. Although I am grateful that I am there for my daughter, she has been cheated out of having a grandmother. I have been angry with my mother many times over this situation and I have let her know it, but her response is that my niece " needs" her. (My sister uses her and my mother is happy to oblige.) The breaking point came this summer. My niece had broken her arm in the spring and this disrupted her swimming. My mother felt that the eight year old needed something to cheer her up, so she took my niece to Ireland for three weeks. Explain that to my daughter! Explain that to my older children! I am sure that my sister helped to fund the trip, but the ridiculous nature of the whole situation came to light. My older children have slowly ceased their visits to "Nana's" to check on her. I feel quite confident that my sister is checking on her and her estate. I have done my best to shield my daughter from the details, but she feels rejected. I have not had contact with my mother since she returned from her trip abroad. I plan to be pleasant when we make eye contact, but I am finished playing the game. I have plenty to keep me busy and a full life. For a while I was depressed, but that got me nowhere. I am thinking about it some, but trying to put it on a back burner. It is helpful to know that I am not alone. Favoritism is wrong and hurtful. I am determined to break the cycle. Isn't it interesting that my mother has attached herself to the daughter who hasn't had time for her own young daughter?
When the time comes to care for her in her old age, and she is 74 now, so it isn't too far off, I have vowed to show her the kindness she doesn't deserve. That is not for her sake, but for the sake of my children, modeling good behavior for them. After all, everything comes out in the wash. And wash day is coming.

Brava! Thanks for a well-written post on the subject. I know you will never be able to explain your mother's behavior to your daughter. Just continue to show her how much she means to you, and let it go. *S*

I was very happy to find this web site knowing I am not alone. My mother always favor my youngest sister, she makes it so obvious, got her 2 new cars, new furnitures for her apartmet, while I charged up my credit cards.Not just the materiel things, i felt i never received love r support all my life, how could she favor one child over the others? In the most recent incident at her party birthday party, I got there a hour early, hopefully will spend more time with her, she had got nothing to say for the entire hour, as soon as my sister walked in hugs and kisses! i am just a body mean nothing to her! So I decided to leave early, went to the kitchen to say goodbye overheard she invited my sister to on a crise with her ? Once again i was never ask! While I was growing up I cried so many times over it, tried to talk to my mother about it,she acted like there is nothing wrong, its all me, I am a problem child. I thought about moving away so i wouldn't have to see my mother totally giving my sister affection which i want for all my life. I couldn't never figure it out, why god put me on this earth if i wasn't wanted until i met my husband, i am much happier now, he make feel very specail which i never felt before!