Can you imagine how difficult it is to talk to your parent about their wishes for their funeral? I had the opportunity to discuss this with my mother last week, and let me tell you, it's not an easy thing to do.
I had the opening and forced myself to jump into the discussion, but I wanted to be ANYWHERE else. We were in the car. It seems like a LOT of our serious discussions take place there. Don't ask me why. Perhaps it's because neither of us can walk away.
At any rate, I baldly asked her if she had made any decisions about it, and she said no. So, I pressed, and asked what she would like to wear. I could have guessed her response. Her favorite color has always been red. She said.....
I don't care what, as long as it's red." Bravo, Mom! We settled on a gorgeous red sweater. It will be beautiful with her white hair.
I pushed on, and asked if she had favorite music. She said, "I've always liked the Marine's Hymn, but I suppose it's not suitable." My response was....."You can have anything you wish. The Marine's Hymn it is." It's always been one of my favorites, too. I suggested another song, "Wind Beneath My Wings," and she liked the thought of the eagles.
I don't know whether to be thankful that we arrived home or not, but the conversation ended there. We have so much more to talk about, but I need time to prepare. Mother seems calm about it all, but she would be unlikely to admit to me it was difficult.
I'd encourage you to make personal choices. Write your thoughts down, and update them once a year. Pick a day that you will remember, and do this kindness for your family. If you don't have a will, get one done now! Don't assume that you have twenty or forty or sixty years to see to this stuff. Be prepared. Tell them your favorite music, what kind of service you'd like to have or IF you want a service. Tell them if you prefer to be cremated or buried, and tell them what you'd like to wear if it matters to you. Keep this information in a folder with your will.
And while this is on my mind....don't wait until a loved one has passed away to stand by the side of their casket and murmer how sorry you are that you didn't find the time to tell them you love them, that you had a story to share with them, or missed a chance to take them to dinner. Tell them now, so that they can enjoy those things with you.
Now, if your parents are still alive......go call home.
Comments (14)
...but the tough question is - who is the funeral for?...my dad wanted to have his ashes scattered on the sea...we kids were up for that but his widow wanted a grave, a place to visit...in the end we buried half his ashes in a field overlooking a pub and a golfcourse and then drove down to the sea, failed to hire a boat so got our kid to wade out and sprinkle the ashes...there is loads more I could say about the argument between carolyn and I...but, I'll give it a rest for a moment :^)...
Posted by billy | August 6, 2003 11:03 AM
Posted on August 6, 2003 11:03
Billy, the funeral is ALWAYS for the living, but I think the person being buried should have some say in how they are seen off. I believe you should honor the wishes of the deceased as long as they aren't harmful to the living.
DH wants to be cremated. If I can find a lovely perennial garden to be sprinkled over, perhaps that's what I should do, too. It would be nice to come back as a bearded iris year after year. *S*
I understand how your father's wife felt, but I think she was wrong. The important thing is the memories you have of your dad, not the bit in the ground or in the sea.
Posted by Buffy | August 6, 2003 11:12 AM
Posted on August 6, 2003 11:12
I don't know if I would have the courage to speak to my mother about that. I think I would just lose it and start balling my eyes out. Momma's boy that I am.
Posted by Val Prieto | August 6, 2003 2:47 PM
Posted on August 6, 2003 14:47
Oh, Val....everytime we talk about this stuff I tear up. Today she told me that she'd be happy with whatever we choose for her. She gave me another song, and said she didn't want a fussy, frilly casket. I think I've gone about as far as I can go with it. It's time to pack my notes away and let her enjoy the rest of her life.
Posted by Buffy | August 6, 2003 2:51 PM
Posted on August 6, 2003 14:51
One more thought along those lines.....it's my perception that it would be easier to talk to your parent about this when they are still young, than when they are approaching the end of their life. I wish I had talked with her 20 years ago when my father died, rather than waiting til now.
Posted by Buffy | August 6, 2003 2:53 PM
Posted on August 6, 2003 14:53
...ahhhh, so that's why my kids keep asking me how I want to be buried...not sure it explains their desire for me to hurry up and leave them an inheiritence though :^)....
Posted by billy | August 6, 2003 4:25 PM
Posted on August 6, 2003 16:25
Buffy, this is something that I know a lot of people discuss with theri families, though it is never a 'pleasant' topic. I suppose the finality of death for those of us left behind is what makes it difficult.
You are quite right in what you say about the wishes of the deceased being observed. even though the funeral may be for those of us left behind, all those I have known have (if the deceased expressed it) had their wishes seen to.
My Aunt who passed away last year planned her funeral with one of my cousins, she selected all the hymns, who she wished to read her rememberance, which church and pastor etc. She was indeed ready to go and in all honesty, because she was suffering, I prayed for her to go.
As for me, I do not wish to be cremated...it may sound silly, but I am afraid of fire. for now that's about all my wishes....and yes, no wasting of money on a lavish coffin.
Posted by Dr. D. | August 6, 2003 4:35 PM
Posted on August 6, 2003 16:35
...go for it dr.d...I have a donor's card where I offer to donate every single bit of my body *except* my eyes...the thought freaks me out...
Posted by billy | August 6, 2003 5:00 PM
Posted on August 6, 2003 17:00
Acutally, since the passing of Grams this year, my parents and I talk about it a great deal. We discuss more in reference of what to do should they no longer be as independent as they are currently. People laugh when they find out how many times a day I talk to both my parents. Rather it is something funny that happened, just to say hello, or talk about the weather we don't let a day pass, usually if we can help it, without talking on the phone. And no matter the content of conversation happy, fun or a fight, we never hang up without letting each other know how much we love each other. But this is a great reminder for those of us that feel we are "invensiable". I know that Speed and I have made decisions about the kids should something happen to us, but neither of us, have discussed our wishes.
Posted by Jamie | August 6, 2003 8:31 PM
Posted on August 6, 2003 20:31
Billy, it sounds as though Stephen won't need that inheritance just yet; his band got off to a great start. You can start worrying when the need more equipment! *G*
Dr. D., I am just beginning to get comfortable with the idea of cremation. I know that not everyone wishes to go that way. It was really kind of your Aunt to sit down and plan out what she wanted. I think we could be even kinder to our families if we did it while we are still well.
Jamie, we're NOT invincible.....that's my point. Make a few notes, and tuck them away, so that whoever takes care of you when it's your time has some guidelines. It will save them some grief, and give them a little consolation, that they were able to do what you wanted. Hugsssssss, hon!
Posted by Buffy | August 6, 2003 11:50 PM
Posted on August 6, 2003 23:50
Please re-think the donation of your eyes - those of us with KC may need your cornea one day. I can understand people that don't want to donate anything, but keeping some parts while donating others leave me scratching my head. On the other hand, they are your parts, so have a perfect right to do with them whatever you want.
Posted by bogie | August 7, 2003 5:29 AM
Posted on August 7, 2003 05:29
...in the uk we can sign a consent form however, once you are dead the form counts for nothing :^) and the first thing they do is asking your nearest relatives and believe me when I say my family think I am stupid...of all my donatable body parts heart, lungs, liver, kidneys, brain, eyes the onle part worth saving is my eyes - so rest assured my family will donate anything...in fact carolyn is giving my body to the hospital for students to mess about with - the last thing she needs to worry about is what to do with me...I suggested a bin bag and left outside for the collectors :^)...
Posted by billy | August 7, 2003 5:50 AM
Posted on August 7, 2003 05:50
Hmmm. Interesting commentry... I want to be cremated, but I had never thought about donating parts of me to needy peeps... Sounds like a good idea. Now I will offer away all the good parts and anything thats left, they burn! I don't care what they do with the ashes, they can fling it away anywhere they like. The body is not really that important to the dead. As Junior Gong says "the body is just a vehicle, transporting the soul...Its whats inside of people, theres the beauty to behold...
Posted by Mad Bull | August 8, 2003 1:21 AM
Posted on August 8, 2003 01:21
MB, I've signed a donor card. We can do that when we get our driver's license. I don't want to leave my entire body, but if there's something someone could use, I'd want them to have it. I think that's part of the reason I'm thinking about cremation.
Posted by Buffy | August 8, 2003 11:37 AM
Posted on August 8, 2003 11:37