There isn't really enough time this evening to write about this as fully as I'd like, but I want to tell you about a conversation I had this week.
First....a little explanation. I'm a grandmother. When I married DH, he presented me with a ready-made family, who were well on their way to being adults, so I was a grandmother at a rather early age. Since I have been a step-grandmother, I sent a lot of love my grandson's way, and tended to keep my hands off his little psyche as he grew up. Unfortunately, his mother died last year.
It's been a hellish year for him, and maybe moreso for his father. It's been difficult for the two of them to talk to each other. I have been worrying about both of them for some time, and this week, my grandson was with us. I bided my time, and waited until I had him captive in the SUV....and then asked him if his father had talked to him about sex.
He's seventeen! He probably knows more about sex than I do, but I wanted to be sure that someone had talked with him about SAFE sex. I wanted to be able to tell him that making love is stupendous when you do it with someone you love, and I wanted him to know that all you see on the internet is not necessarily what the average person believes is good and appropriate.
He gets MAJOR credit for not blushing or shrinking away from me. He was really cool about this, and relaxed. He told me that he had not talked with his dad, but that his mother had talked with him. And, he described the sex ed classes they have at his school. The classes were pretty astounding, and I'm glad he had them. Too many parents and schools let kids promulgate errors, and then chastise them for their behavior, when they didn't have enough information to make the right choices.
I wanted my grandson to know that he could talk to me forthrightly about this subject, if he needed an adult to talk to. I'm realistic about the fact that he is not likely to talk to me.....but the door is open if he so chooses. I hope he will remember what I said when it comes time to make his choices.
My friends were kidding me tonight, asking if they could send their kids to me for a talk. Heck.....why not!? I'm an old hand at this now! (HUGEGRIN)
Sooooo....have you given this talk? Was it difficult or easy for you? Do you think it made any difference in the choices your child will make? Do you think some children find it easier to talk to someone other than their parents? Guys....did you leave this discussion for your wife to do?? Let me know what you think.
Comments (9)
Speed leaves this to me to handle and when I handle it I have both of them chocking on their food, drink or breath.......well you know how I am *smile* something pops into my mind and well hello I ask the question especially where my son is concerned..........I've done the "talk" as well as discussed the dangers, consequences, etc and keep the talk going to try and make it comfy when the time he is / if not already to make such adult decisions in his life that he can feel comfortable to come and talk to either Speed or myself ~ I don't want either of my kids to grow up thinking talking about sex is off limits.......these days it is just to deadly
Posted by Jamie | June 7, 2003 4:29 AM
Posted on June 7, 2003 04:29
Well, my little guy is just three, so we haven't discussed this with him yet. What do you think is the right age to do so?
Posted by Mad Bull | June 7, 2003 9:35 AM
Posted on June 7, 2003 09:35
Jamie....I had to work really hard not to say things that were inappropriate for his age and experience. I'm clearly not accustomed to talking with kids about issues like this, but I still felt it was necessary.
Mad Bull....your little one is a bit young, but here, if you haven't started talking with them about it by the time they are in the 7-10 range, you are TOO LATE! They see and hear all sorts of stuff once they go to school, and TV is loaded with sexual reference now.
When I was teaching, I liked the spiral curriculum which blended all the disciplines together, and gave the information to you in greater depth at each level of the spiral. So....you give the little ones the "stranger-danger" talks early on, and give them more detail as they are able to handle it. Ideally, you respond to their questions with what they need at that point, rather than the entire lecture much later. I think the key, as Jamie said, is to make sure the path is open, so they can ask questions.
And.....letting him see how you relate to Natty is an important part of the package. *S*
Posted by Buffy | June 7, 2003 4:56 PM
Posted on June 7, 2003 16:56
I have spoken with my 11 year old, and to a much lesser degree with the 8 and 6 year old... there is a bit of a story to do with the 6 year old, I'll save it for a post this week.
Posted by Desiree | June 8, 2003 2:25 AM
Posted on June 8, 2003 02:25
Buffy, you have done well by grabbing the bull by the horns, so to speak. Despite sex ed. classes, teens are highly influenced by the experiences shared by their friends, the TV ,and blue movies. Certainly, by the time I was seventeen, I had watched my fair share....unknown to my parents.
My Father never really had the 'talk' with me, he only aluded to it, by asking questions like, "have you cracked your nuts yet?" When I told him no, he just told me that I should be careful whatever I am doing....whatever that meant. Needless to say, I must admit that my first time was not safely practised. (Blushing).
Anyhow, as you have been a reader at my site for a while now, you may have learned that I am a disciple for contraception and safe sex. This is because I feel/know, that unwanted pregnancies, lack of education and poor guidance on the part of role models here results in the high incidence of STIs and babes having babes. A vicious cycle. With almost every young patient that I see, I usually try to give some form of preaching to encourage them to use 'boots' (condoms.) I don't really try to encourage abstaining, that has been proven time and time again to be highly impractical and is doomed to failure.
Having no children of my own, I have not given this 'talk' to any offspring as yet. (Perhaps for the time being, I can think of my patients as such.) I agree with your advice that by the 7-10 age that children need to know something. Studies here have shown that as many as 50% of 10-12 year olds are sexually ACTIVE....not experimenting, ACTIVE. Just last week, I had a sixteen year old male who could not even remember at what age he first 'broke his ducks' as it was that far back, and he had no recollection of number of partners, and he had never used a condom. Many parents will adopt the attitude that their little angel would not be engaging in sex. Ha! My response to them is that it is not a matter of if, but when, so they do need to know how to protect themselves against STIs and unwanted pregnancy. You keep on chatting with your Grandson, he will only be better off for it. The 'old school' way of shrouding sex/sexuality is gone out the door. If we don't speak to young people they will simply find out for themselves and they are bound to get 'screwed' (literally) if they don't know what to expect. Sorry to take up so much space, but this is something I feel very strongly about.
Enjoy the rest of the weekend.
Posted by Dr. D. | June 8, 2003 12:10 PM
Posted on June 8, 2003 12:10
Des, I'll look forward to reading the story about your six year old. I love little kid stories!
Dr. D., thanks for the post. I know that children younger than ten are sexually active, and it simply blows my mind. I'm glad you give them the lecture when you see them. I don't know if my grandson will talk to me about it again, but at least he knows I'll listen if he needs someone to talk to.
Posted by Buffy | June 8, 2003 3:10 PM
Posted on June 8, 2003 15:10
I was going to do some dishes now, but think I'll get writing that post so as not to leave you hanging too long! (dishes can always wait, right??)
Posted by Desiree | June 8, 2003 6:10 PM
Posted on June 8, 2003 18:10
You are a very cool grandmother.
Our son is only 5 months old, so he's not quite ready for the sex talk. However, I could use it. :-P
Posted by Texas T-Bone | June 9, 2003 12:45 PM
Posted on June 9, 2003 12:45
(Grinning) T-bone....it's never to late to begin practicing that little talk you're going to have to have! I never thought I would have to do one. I got off to a rather left handed start. After I told him we were going to talk about sex, I hastened to add..."I'm not going to talk to you about positions......you'll have the pleasure of finding out about them on your own" and then I finally settled down and took the higher road. But.....since he IS seventeen, I think maybe my first comment, inappropriate as it is, must have let him know I was a little unnerved by all this.
Go read what Desiree has to say about her experience with her six year old, and start thinking about what you'll be saying in just a few quick years!
And thanks for all the comments. I understand just how you feel about getting them! *S*
Posted by Buffy | June 9, 2003 1:04 PM
Posted on June 9, 2003 13:04