I was visiting at Dr. D's and saw a link to a post by Dominatrix at the Tower of Babel. She was writing about the difficulty a successful working woman has in finding a husband. She's figured out that she needs to find a self-confident man who won't be threatened by her success. Do you have a list of requirements in a mate?
When I was a kid, I expected that I would marry tall & dark, and if he was also handsome, that was a bonus. I come from a very tall family, and Dad had black hair, so my expectations came from what I knew. When I married the first time, my husband was just two inches taller than I, and his light brown hair was already disappearing. Our marriage didn't fail because he didn't meet my girlish expectations; it failed because we were unable to communicate.
So.....should I have had a grocery list of what I was shopping for in a mate? Should I have determined his fiscal responsibility, his five and ten year plans, his vocation and avocations, religion, education, family? What about his ability to speak to me of hopes and fears, his health, or his plans for children? What about sex....does he have fetishes, or is he so conservative that we will die of boredom?? Can he allow me freedom, or is he jealous or manipulative?
I think you have to whittle your list down to the items that you can't live without, because it's unlikely you will find your dream man. If you find that he has some of the "extras," so much the better. My advice to you is that you shouldn't assume a mate will compromise with you, or change to suit your wishes or needs. If you can't find the right man where you live, then expand your search area. If you are willing to move, then consider looking for a mate on-line. I know an incredible number of couples who met on-line, and I'm beginning to think the anonymity we have as we first chat may be a healthy thing. We talk about things in depth that it would take much longer to get to face to face.
When I was divorced, I swore I wouldn't marry again. It took three years before DH caught my attention, and what caught me was his sense of humor.
Who knew??? Add it to your list of essential qualities! *S*
Comments (6)
In a way perhaps it is too bad we can not go 'shopping' with such a list as you described in your post - the ideal mate, non-existent I'd say. I do, however, reccommend that a person that is in the 'shopping' part of life do think about the absolute 'essentials' in the potential mate, and take your time looking - it can be so worth it!
There are so many factors that hold or break a relationship -- two different people, attempting to mesh their lives. I do not personnaly know of people that have met online, but I have experienced online chat and do find that it is a very good way to open up to someone, it is easier to discuss topics that would otherwise not be broached as soon.(as you have said, Buffy)
Posted by Desiree | May 22, 2003 1:07 AM
Posted on May 22, 2003 01:07
Having a man with a sense of humor is just like having your own 'spin doctor' - they make good fathers, good hubs, good playmates, and they can make you optimistic even when you think life can't possibly get any worse. I vote for a 'sense of humor' to sustain you the first seven years, the middle years, and right through retirement. The one drawback is (as I often say to Hub) if you get Alzeimer's or a brain tumor, I will not be getting you medical help cause I will never recognize the symtoms!
Posted by Roberta | May 22, 2003 11:11 AM
Posted on May 22, 2003 11:11
Roberta, I think a sense of humor may be a saving grace. When I am wound up and too focused, DH can always save the day by finding a way to put it all into perspective with a joke. I think it's possible that women don't realize how essential a sense of humor is to a relationship.
Posted by Buffy | May 22, 2003 4:11 PM
Posted on May 22, 2003 16:11
Buffy, I couldn't agree with you more. A lot of people have these huge lists and when they meet someone they mentally go through the list checking off or exxing off depending on whether the <b>"</b>candidate<b>"</b> meets their expectation or not on every item on the list.<p>That is a recipe for disappointment, thats what I say. I think you've got to be broader minded, and if you are, and also, if you are willing to work tirelessly at the relationship, people may well find the soul mate they desire...</p>
Posted by Mad Bull | May 23, 2003 12:23 AM
Posted on May 23, 2003 00:23
Buffy, I think that we all have a mental image of who our 'ideal' mate is. However, for most people, I think that we never find that person. We end up with whom best fits that role, good or bad.
As I'm not yet married, who am I to talk?
Posted by Dr. D. | May 24, 2003 12:08 AM
Posted on May 24, 2003 00:08
Dr. D you've come close to what's on my mind. I'll have to post again, because I have more to say about this. I think we all have a mental image of what we would LIKE to marry.....and it prevents most of us from finding the right person.
Mad Bull is on the right track. We need to be open to life's little surprises. :-)
Posted by Buffy | May 24, 2003 8:34 AM
Posted on May 24, 2003 08:34