Late last year I bought several new DVDs for my collection. One of them is "You've Got Mail." One of the special items on the disk is the director and screen writer (Nora Ephron) talking about the making of the movie as the movie unfolds on the screen. It was fascinating to hear them talk about putting their ideas on film.
At one point, Ephron talks about what we are looking for in the person we hope will be the love of our life. She says we tend to describe ourselves when we describe that person: Democrat, loves classical music and cats, goes for long walks, spends weekends watching TV, gardens, whatever.
I think, were I pressed, I would have said "Tall, dark, and well-educated." My father was 6'4" and had black hair, and was well-educated. I think that I expected to marry someone similar to my Dad or my brother.
Ephron says that younger people are likely to say "I could never marry someone who......Was a Democrat, who fished for a living, who was a couch potato, who didn't want kids.....whatever. The point is, you have very little control over who you come to love.
Is your Prince Charming the ideal you imagined? Dear Husband comes close, but he isn't a carbon copy of my Dad or brother. What you can't know is how wonderful the surprises can be when you choose someone different from your expectations. We'd live a VERY dull life if we were both like me. DH brings a weird sense of humor to the mix. He's open to more experiences than I am, and he's willing to completely change directions from his original plans. We took off for Lake Geneva one weekend, and it wasn't until after dinner that we discovered there was not a room to be had in a 50 mile radius. That was the weekend the Special Olympics were being held in Madison. He found us a place to lay our heads. We could have driven home. Instead, we found the last room at a little motel, and were able to take a sail on Lake Geneva early the following morning, with just the captain sharing the boat. It was wonderful, and totally beyond anything I might have chosen.
We've had a lot of fun days like that. I hope there will be more in the future. I don't remember my mother ever giving me advice on what to look for in a husband. Did yours? I suppose that's a subject for another day.
If I had daughters, would I be able to say to them, "Don't be afraid to fall in love with someone who is different." Would I regret those words? Maybe. Maybe not.
Comments (13)
I was never overly interested in boys - of course boys were never really interested in me, so it was an even exchange.
WS doesn't really remind me of anyone - which I guess makes sense because I wasn't really looking for anyone.
There was just something about WS (in his eyes plus his sense of humor) that I told myself "I want to go out with him". 3 or 4 months later we did go out and the rest is history.
Posted by bogie | January 20, 2007 6:54 AM
Posted on January 20, 2007 06:54
Hi Buffy. Interesting post. Hub was none of those things. Plain looking, no initials behind his name. It was the 'funny little boy' within that I fell in love with. And now, after many, many years together I find he is positively handsome, and exceedingly clever, but I would say in retrospect, that what I love most about him, what has pleased me most, is his great sense of humor. If I had to go through this again, first on my list would be a "sense of humor". It's silly but when he is away and I think about 'my funny boy', I smile and even laugh out loud.
Posted by Roberta S | January 20, 2007 12:23 PM
Posted on January 20, 2007 12:23
I've said those words to ALL of my daughters...and I've never regretted it Buffy. At present I have two generous, bright, and hard-working son-in-laws...both incredible people in their own right. Yet, they certainly have their differences from both of my A-type personality daughters...but those differences, I feel, are what make each relationship so much the better. And...what they have in common....is truly beautiful. They compliment each other in a very healthy and refreshing way. I couldn't be happier that they are in my daughters' lives....and in mine.
Posted by Joy | January 20, 2007 9:05 PM
Posted on January 20, 2007 21:05
Bogie, I bet for a lot of couples who have been together for years, the deciding factor was a sense of humor. My mother says I have no sense of humor, so I count on Dear Husband to provide humor for us both.
Posted by buffy | January 21, 2007 7:10 PM
Posted on January 21, 2007 19:10
Roberta, I agree....I think it would be at the top of my list, too. I never felt I needed to marry a handsome man, but it's interesting how handsome Dear Husband has become over the years. *G*
Posted by buffy | January 21, 2007 7:12 PM
Posted on January 21, 2007 19:12
Joy, I'm so glad your daughters chose well! Dear Husband is a total compliment to my personality. What I lack, he has. What he lacks, I have (to some degree). Together we are a whole person and a tough team to beat at Trivial Pursuit!
Posted by buffy | January 21, 2007 7:14 PM
Posted on January 21, 2007 19:14
Oh, my! If I married someone like me, I'd divorce them on the spot - well, um, I did that, didn't I! This one's a keeper though. I always marvel at how unflappable he is even while I'm coming unhinged. Just this morning, I told him that I hope my 17 year old marries someone like him - nobody else is apt to put up with her surliness.
Posted by Nan | January 22, 2007 7:36 AM
Posted on January 22, 2007 07:36
Funny, Sis, that we traveled that same path. I told Dear Husband that he better be prepared for the long haul, because I can't imagine breaking in another husband! Think about it.....that means letting ANOTHER person see you naked! (shuddering at the thought). Yeah.....I'd say your hubby is a keeper! *S*
Posted by Buffy | January 22, 2007 3:54 PM
Posted on January 22, 2007 15:54
Trivial Pursuit....now you're talking. Sounds like we could have some pretty great game nights Buffy....
Posted by Joy | January 22, 2007 7:31 PM
Posted on January 22, 2007 19:31
Buffy,
Very interesting post! My 1st husband was 'hot',,,,I was in 'lust', not love, so that didn't last long.
My partner now,,suits me fine,,I'm the social one and he's quiet,,,so we get along, laugh together and want the same things., What more could you ask for?
Sounds like you have a good relationship! He's a keeper!
Posted by Matty | January 23, 2007 6:59 PM
Posted on January 23, 2007 18:59
A very interesting post that has givven me lots to think about. With every boyfriend before John I just Knew inside myself that they weren't right for me. Perhaps because of that nothing came of each relationship - perhaps I was giving out "vibes" that they picked up on. The one I got engaged to I soon knew it wasn't right and every day since then I've thanked my lucky stars that I broke it off.
In many many ways the Husband is completely different from my family. However he too came from a working class background and worked himself up to a good career. So thinkig about it there are ways in which there are similarities.
Posted by Adele | January 24, 2007 11:47 AM
Posted on January 24, 2007 11:47
Joy, I LOVE Trivial Pursuit, but I need to find a faster variation of the game. I'd like to be able to play more than one game a night! lol
Matty, I can't say that I married my first husband "in lust." He wouldn't have known what to do with it. But, it sounds like you and I have similar relationships now. Dear Husband is my rock, so that I can be frivolous now and then. *S*
Posted by buffy | January 28, 2007 4:25 PM
Posted on January 28, 2007 16:25
Adele, that's interesting about the "vibes." I bet we do give them off. I wonder why we don't pick up on them soon enough to save ourselves?
I didn't have doubts about my first husband until I was on my way down the aisle. One of my sisters said that he had BETTER make me happy, or ELSE! I began to wonder why she doubted he would..... We lasted 11 years, but they weren't the best years of my life.
I'd have loved a few strong vibes a bit earlier!
Posted by buffy | January 28, 2007 4:32 PM
Posted on January 28, 2007 16:32