At a time when I should be buoyed by the lightness of the season and be filled with good cheer, I’m ticked. I know that I shouldn’t have let this situation get to me, but I really regret the loss of manners that I see everywhere these days. I sound like an old fogy, and I probably am one, but where in the world has the ability to treat others civilly gone?
Last night my youngest stepson and his wife came to exchange Christmas gifts. They had gone to her family for Christmas rather than joining his family. Stepson Three called several days ago to ask if they could visit with us yesterday. When I asked him what time he said, “Afternoon.” That left a lot of leeway, but I figured we would be having a quiet afternoon at home, so it wasn’t a problem.
I should insert here that my daughter-in-law (I only have one of them) has been put on a very restricted diet. It’s so restricted that I hate to ask her about it, because rather than telling me what she can eat, she always goes down the list of things she can’t eat. It gets confusing trying to remember everyone’s likes and dislikes and cans and can’ts, and after a while, I shut some of it out. I’m not perfect, and I have a lot of other things on my mind.
Sooooooooooo….the kids finally arrived around four, and sat with us to watch an hour of Dr. Who reruns. Dear Husband was getting hungry and assumed that I hadn’t planned any dinner. (We all know better, but he didn’t ask me what I had planned). It was decided that he would order pizza. Well, I knew that my DIL couldn’t have pizza. There was some discussion of offering a salad, but no one made a move toward the kitchen, so I assumed that it was my job. I got up and emptied the refrigerator.
I offered seven veggies, three meats, four cheeses, five condiments and about six salad dressing. Too bad I didn’t have the partridge and the pear tree, to go along with that! I laid it all out in an attractive pattern, put out bowls and forks, and set out beverages.
The pizza came, and the guys got up to help themselves. I fixed a salad for Elegante Mother, and added it to a plate with little squares of pizza, and some Greek olives. I took it into the living room for her, and encouraged my DIL to join me in the kitchen so I could tell her what I had laid out. (I had diced up lunch meat, so she might have needed to know which was ham and which was turkey.
Her response was, “NO! I’m not eating.”
What ever happened to “Thank you.” Why did this girl’s mother not teach her any social graces? She was sitting where she could see me putting all of this together. Did she really think I was doing it for the guys, who would be consuming gargantuan amounts of pizza???
A simple, “Thanks, but my diet is so restrictive, I’ll have to pass on dinner,” would have fallen more kindly on my ears. I was ticked then, and I’m still ticked now.
AND, it bothers me that she never speaks to my mother. I thought we might have a problem, because my mother has never cared for my DIL. She has always felt ignored. I don’t know if my DIL simply doesn’t know what to say to her, or doesn’t care to acknowledge her. For whatever reason, my mother has always disliked her, and unfortunately, that was one of the things EM could still remember. I needed to reassure my mother that she would be okay, and that my DIL wouldn’t do anything to hurt her.
I think we need to have compulsory Manners 100. A crash course to cover the near future, leading in to 101, 102, 201, 202, 301, 302, 401, and independent study would be a really good idea!!
Do you think I am asking too much?
Arrrgh!!!
It's just my state of mind!
I for one don’t think you’re being unreasonable Buffy. Some manners were definitely called for in this situation. It seemed pretty apparent to me who you were trying to accommodate. Even if it wasn’t, someone should have thanked you for your gesture. I don’t think you were wrong to feel ticked…and I don’t think you are asking too much.
I have to say that I agree totally with what Joy said. You were right to feel so annoyed. I would have done so as well in tha same situation.
Joy and Adele, thank you, SO much for your support! I try to keep my irritation under wraps to prevent a breakdown in family relationships, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. I feel better knowing that I’m not alone in seeing this as an example of bad manners.
Hi Buffy, just a thought – have you talked to your son about your DIL’s behavior?
When I was a newlywed, I just assumed that I was a “guest” in my mother-in-law’s home and didn’t lift a finger. I guess she finally talked to my DH and he later talked to me, telling me that his mom would really appreciate it if I would offer to help in the kitchen when we were over there visiting. I just flat didn’t know any better. (I was mortified that she might think I was lazy!) I ended up being her favorite DIL – and we had a great relationship. Just saying – maybe you should talk to your son because he may not have noticed how your DIL’s behavior is bothering you. Good luck!
Hi, Jeri! Thanks for visiting. While I do mind being stranded in the kitchen alone while my family sits and talks or watches TV, what bothered me more was her tone of voice and choice of words when she declined to see what I had put out for her.
Having said that, you make a good point. Perhaps the kids don’t understand that I consider them to be family, not guests. My family comes to visit and jumps right in. Most of them are standing in the kitchen, waiting to be assigned a chore, so it’s difficult for me to understand family expecting to be waited on. I’ll have to ask if that’s how their mother treats them when they visit her.
Thanks for an interesting insight!
Buffy–I’m thinking that I’ve probably stood on both (or maybe three?) sides of this issue. Too, it makes a difference in my own attitude toward someone else’s food requirements whether the requirements are for health (allergies, high blood pressure, weight, whatever) or for food preference reasons (we have a few “picky” eaters in the family–none of whom make an issue of it, thank goodness! They just go grab peanut butter or whatever, if I’m serving nothing that pleases them!)
I remember how “left out” I felt when attending a family “reception”-type affair and there was literally nothing except black-bean dip that was on offering which complied with the extremely low-fat diet that my physician had me on at the time. I hope that I didn’t come across to my hostess as your DIL came across to you; but, who knows? These days (25 years later), it is worse because my physician has me on an extremely low-salt, low-sugar, low-fat, low-artificial sweetener diet which makes it impossible for anyone to be expected to feed me. I now ask that people not try to cater to my dietary needs, and I try to eat whatever is offered, in small amounts. I’ll make up for that meal during the rest of my week of eating.
On the other hand, when I know that someone has a health-related dietary need, I try to ask ahead of time for help in menu planning. As we don’t entertain often, this is rarely an issue–not like you, who entertain so much. As I recall, though, you fed me healthful meals during my visit. You, your family, and your food were all delightful–without fail! (I felt that I made a pig of myself!)
As to kitchen help: My own daughters and/or granddaughter are always welcome in my kitchen (we have worked around one another enough that we don’t get in one another’s way); but, I am really irritated at the presence of anyone else. I tend to trip over them (maybe it’s all in my head?)
BTW: I should have stated, up front, that for anyone to snub your EM is unforgiveable, in my book! And, your DIL’s choice of tone and language would definitely have set MY nose out of joint!