This is a difficult entry to write, but I’m in trouble with my Mother, again. This happens with a fair degree of regularity. Mother has a very comfortable life with us, but I’m confident that she would rather live with any of my siblings. On the surface, this seems like the ideal situation. She has the front half of our house, and all the storage she wants in the basement. She has total access to the kitchen and the laundry and we’ve created container gardens for her on the sidewalk so that she can keep her hand in at gardening, now that she can no longer get into the regular gardens.
I take my mother to all her hair and doctor appointments, and to exercise three mornings a week. We stop at the bank, grocery shop and occasionally hit specialty stores together. I ask for her input on meals, and have forced myself not to nag her about what she eats (butter, chocolate, crackers, ice cream etc.) or doesn’t eat (protein, veggies). I’m the person who took her to all her chemo appointments when she had colon cancer. I’m the one who hosts the Empty Nester Sewing circle once a month so that she can be among her friends from church. I’m also the one who takes her to the Red Hat Lady functions.
Unfortunately, I’m also the impatient one. When I call you to dinner, I am ready to have you sit at the table. Meals don’t mean as much to Mother these days, so once we get her to the kitchen, and deal with a resting place for her cane, we still have to surmount the obstacle of getting her seated and served. Generally, she sees it as a social hour. By that time of day I frequently don’t have what it takes to stand and chat, knowing that it will delay the time when I can sit and put my feet up for the evening.
My mother is very attuned to criticism and sees it where it doesn’t exist. Recently she has taken to telling people that she is very fortunate that we have been willing to “put up with her.” I’m sure that my impatience has leaked out….and I need to find a way to accept that there is nothing as important right now as peace in my household, and my mother’s comfort.
My mother needs the security of knowing that she is wanted, and welcome. Don’t we all feel that way? We made the choice to have her live with us. We never said….”Come live with us for the next ten years.” She has actually been with us for nineteen years. I certainly hope, should I get to be ninety-one, that someone will care for me with compassion, and have more patience than I seem to be able to corral.
So, as we near Mother’s Day, I’m contemplating ways to make Mother happy. The first entry on my checklist is…..MORE PATIENCE!
Arrrgh!!!
It's just my state of mind!
Oh sweet Buffy….
You don’t think you have patience? I think you are a SAINT! What makes you think your dear mother would fair better anywhere else? Nineteen years my dear friend. That is a long time that you have opened your home to share with your mother and quite a testament to your huge compassionate and loving heart. I can’t imagine that you’ve got to work on much of anything sweet lady….you were given it all by the man upstairs and from what I can see…you give it back twofold on a daily basis. If your mother feels she needs to let people know that she is a very fortunate lady from time to time…I think I’d let her. She is a VERY lucky lady indeed. Bless your beautiful heart…. Love, Joy
Joy, I’ve told you this privately, but it deserves to be said publicly, you are one of the most generous women I know. Thank you for your lovely comment. Your support is most appreciated.
On the good side….EM and I were talking to each other by dinner tonight! *G*
joy is right buffy,take note of her wise words 🙂
also, take it from someone who knows….elderly people don’t always need a reason to complain and they can be extremely attention seeking, hence they say things that have no foundation.
i think you need more patience with yourself!
Dear Buffy–Joy went a long way toward saying what I want to say. Having observed, first hand, the dynamics in your household, I KNOW that you are a saint! I might also state that I think that your mother is a saint! It ain’t easy living with another person–especially one’s close relative (and it doesn’t get any closer than mother/daughter). I could never have done for my mother what you have/are doing for yours. Fortunately, I realized it and, although it tore me apart inside, I would not ask her to move in with HH and me.
You don’t need more patience, in the way that I think you mean it; you need more acceptance. Accept that you and your EM (and you know how much I admire her, as well as you) will not always agree. There will be (have been, I’m sure) days when matricide looks like an attractive alternative. You KNOW that you will be on speaking terms again–if not by dinner, by the next day or two. Everyone has a right to be cranky, and we elders tend to take advantage of the fact that you youngers can’t really do anything to us! *smirk*
In addition, I recommend that you find a way/have EM find a way for her to get out and about without your involvement. Some programs for us old people (EM and me) will pick us up at the door and deliver us back.
You just needed to vent, didn’t you?
By the way: We ALL know that Dear Husband is a saint. (He deals with many of his frustrations, we’re pretty sure, by spending time on the lake.)
Bod, I know you’re right about the elderly needing attention. When EM is getting attention from others, I try to fade back and let her lap it up. It makes both of us happy when others fill that need.
I find all sorts of people will speak to my mother when we are in public. They comment on her appearance and on the fact that she is getting along under her own steam. Many of them tease her…saying that she can’t be a day over 59, which gives her the lead in to tell her age.
I’d like to be the one giving her the attention, but I think it’s actually better that it comes from others.
Thanks for your input, Bod. I really appreciate it!
Cop Car, my dear friend, thank you for a fresh perspective on my life with EM!
I know there were days when I was a kid where Elegante Mother wanted to put me in a sack and drop me down the well! lol I believe that I talked non-stop and had millions of questions to ask, when she was praying for a little peace.
I suppose that what I am experiencing now is just the reversal of those days.
You’re right. We both need to accept that we won’t always see eye to eye.
Ahem…..about not being able to do anything to our elders…. I served chicken last night. EM got to eat what Dear Husband and I were eating….chicken and peppers and onions in fajita seasoning. EM HATES chicken. She ate it, without protest. I’m not sure which of us won that round…
I’ll look into finding ways for EM to get out without me. My oldest sis has been a big help, squiring her around this past year, but she’s not going to be available until into July, so I need to find other solutions.
Yeah….I needed to vent, and felt badly about my relationship with my mother.
As for DH…. I finally figured out that his weekends on the water were what made it possible to get through the week, so I stopped complaining about his absence. He’s very good with my mother, and he’s earned his halo many times over!
Glad to see that you are back on an even keel, Buffy. You make a good point about how mothers are driven insane by the kids. Good luck in coping with a demanding, but (I know it is true for you) very rewarding, segment of your life.