My husband is addicted to puns. He likes the quick ones, the cheap shots. I like the long, drawn out ones that are a story with a pun as the pun-ch line, like “The beer that made Mill Famy Walk Us.
\nHere then, is a collection that came across my desk today. If you know who compiled these puns, please let me know. I’ll be happy to give credit for the compilation.
\nHUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
\nI wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then
\nit hit me.
\nPolice were called to a day care where a
\nthree-year-old was resisting a rest.
\nDid you hear about the guy whose whole left side was
\ncut off? He’s all right now.
\nThe roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was
\nSir Cumference.
\nThe butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got
\na little behind in his work.
\nTo write with a broken pencil is pointless.
\nWhen fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
\nThe short fortune teller who escaped from prison was
\na small medium at large.
\nA thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
\nA thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He
\nbecame a hardened criminal.
\nThieves who steal corn from a garden could be
\ncharged with stalking.
\nWe’ll never run out of math teachers because they
\nalways multiply.
\nWhen the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
\nThe math professor went crazy with the blackboard.
\nHe did a number on it.
\nThe professor discovered that her theory of
\nearthquakes was on shaky ground.
\nThe dead batteries were given out free of charge.
\nIf you take a laptop computer for a run you could
\njog your memory.
\nA dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
\nA bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
\nA will is a dead giveaway.
\nTime flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
\nA backward poet writes inverse.
\nIn a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in
\nfeudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
\nA chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
\nIf you don’t pay your exorcist you can get
\nrepossessed.
\nWith her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
\nShow me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll
\nshow you A-flat miner.
\nWhen a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
\nThe guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was
\nfully recovered.
\nA grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France,
\nresulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
\nYou are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
\nLocal Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
\nHe broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
\nA calendar’s days are numbered.
\nA boiled egg is hard to beat.
\nHe had a photographic memory which was never
\ndeveloped.
\nA plateau is a high form of flattery.
\nThose who get too big for their britches will be
\nexposed in the end.
\nWhen you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a
\nmall.
\nIf you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
\nWhen she saw her first strands of gray hair, she
\nthought she’d dye.
\nBakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
\nSanta’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
\nAcupuncture: a jab well done<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
My husband is addicted to puns. He likes the quick ones, the cheap shots. I like the long, drawn out ones that are a story with a pun as the pun-ch line, like “The beer that made Mill Famy Walk … Continue reading