Used car buying tips

I got a column by Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott with tips on buying a new or used car. When times are tough, many people look to used cars to get more vehicle for their money. Not a bad idea. He says:

• Shop around and compare prices.

• Test drive the vehicle on varied road conditions (freeway, stop-and-go traffic).

• If used, ask for a maintenance record.

• Get all promises in writing.

• Have the vehicle inspected by an independent mechanic before you buy.

Not bad, but it doesn't go far enough. To really get a great deal, you should:

• Test-drive the car with the salesman or owner in the front seat, and proceed to pick your nose and wipe it on the dashboard. As you do, say, "Oooooh, smooth!"

• Find the absolutely biggest pot hole and drive right into it. You've got to check the shock, struts, tires and durability of a car before buying it.

• Ask if you and your significant other can "test out" the back seat for 10-15 minutes.

• Measure the trunk or ask the salesman/owner to climb in so you can better imagine how many bodies will fit.

• Ask the current owner if they've ever farted in it while driving, then explain, as you're driving, that you've really got to let one and they might want to roll down their window. Apologize for what will likely be a new stain.

• See how fast you can drive it backward without swerving into something.

• Explain that the antibiotics are probably working by now and you're pretty sure the doctor said you aren't contagious. Or was that after four days of taking your meds?

If you don't get a good deal on that car, don't blame me!