I don’t like going to the mall. That’s no news flash … I’m male and getting grumpier with age. But we went to lodge a complaint/seek assistance about a misguided purchase we made at one mall store, and then went to buy some pants for me from another. For those keeping score, a man buying pants = women buying swimsuits. Hate doing it. Don’t want pants. Wish I didn’t have to wear them. Trying them on sucks, and I don’t like how the waist sizes keep pace with our growing national debt.
With 4-year-old Cutlet in tow, and Riblet toted, we made some obligatory mall stops:
• Our first stop was for talking to managers, with lots of unfulfilled promises to come. Leaving unsatisfied, with an unsatisfying phone call in the meantime, we will be visiting again on Wednesday to return our large purchase for a full refund. As the Petite Filet dealt with the staff, I wrangled the kids and tried to keep the Cutlet from unintentionally shoplifting something from the “Cars” movie toy collection.
• The Food Court. We scored a bag from the Great American Overpriced Semi-Yummy Cookie Place and sat at a large-bloom-bedecked table to partake. This in no way will help with my pants size, I thought, as I gobbled an M&M cookie.
• Cutlet had to go potty, and as our family’s Ambassador of Male Bodily Functions, it was up to me. Mall restrooms are only a notch above facilities in train stations and airports. It’s a small notch. Cutlet goes. I go, too, and Cutlet makes his usual announcement to anyone in earshot or echo-distance, “You’ve got a big pee-pee!” Nothing to be ashamed of, of course, but quite embarrassing when said aloud by a 4-year-old. Someday the Cutlet will make an excellent wingman for a buddy, but only if there happen to be available women in the men’s restroom. And they’re not creeped out by the proclamation.
• Made our way to Pants Central, where I picked out five likely pairs. Slipped into the dressing cubicle and found two that seem to work (despite my apparent king-sized manhood and unquenchable cookie habit). Scoured belts for a new brown belt (riveting stuff, I’m telling you), paid and left.
• Went to Family Restaurant Near Mall Parking Lot and ate a decent dinner. Headed home still really hating the mall. And pants.
In other news …
• NASA’s penny-pinchers say they can track and destroy asteroids that might endanger our home planet, but there just ain’t the funds to do it. I guess they spent it all on vintage Atari 2600 game consoles to practice such complicated maneuvers. Two solutions: send a bill to the producers of Hollywood films “Deep Impact” and “Armageddon” for the blasting services; get large tube of Preparation A, which is guaranteed to ease the painful itch and burning of asteroids in a matter of hours.
• “An Inconvenient Truth” for Al Gore might be that he’s a big hippocrat (pun intended) for warning everyone about global warming and human’s negative impact on the environment, yet having a gigantic energy-sucking mansion in Nashville. He dismisses the criticism by saying he invests in energy credits for renewable energy, thus making his life mostly carbon neutral. He also points to his stretch limo, which comprises 12 Toyota Priuses lashed together with free-range hemp rope. However, critics and scientists alike agree that the amount of hot air emanating from Gore’s body is equal to the amount of methane gas created by 1,200 head of rather gassy cattle.
• CNN reports that China is banning the opening of new Internet cafes in 2007. The country reportedly has about 113,000 of them already. Fourteen Chinese government agencies issued the notice, including the Ministry of Culture and the Ministry of Information Industry. The goal is to help prevent casual use of the Internet for things pornographic or subversive (this site), instead promoting educational uses and helping keep the government stable. In a somewhat related story, the United States, with a population nowhere near as big as China, recently saw the opening of its billionth Internet café, “Daddy Longleg’s Hopping House of Espresso, Porn, Internet Gambling and the Writings of Thomas Paine” in the heart of Washington, D.C. God bless America!
Ugh, the mall. I hates the mall. So glad you got outta there alive! And with pants!!
oh how you make me snort!
"Someday the Cutlet will make an excellent wingman for a buddy, but only if there happen to be available women in the men’s restroom. And they’re not creeped out by the proclamation."
I just want you to know I'm fairly girly and it takes quite a bit to make me snort!
Next time I complain about a Walmart trip by myself will be the last time.
Very good site, thank you!
Bookmarked :)
I hate malls. Actually I hate shopping period. haha. Yes, Im a male too.
lol. on the pee pee comment. I fine with it loud and clear around a bunch of ladies, but with the dudes, I'll pass.