Tomorrow afternoon, I'll be playing photographer at a friend's wedding. This is the one at which I offered to do it for free, but I'm not bitter. I'm just hoping to get a "thank you." Not too much to ask, right? I'm saving them what probably would be a couple grand for hiring a respectable photographer, and my pics will, at least a few of them, be pretty darn good. The bride-to-be was supposed to send me a list of shots she wanted, but she's a Pro Crastinator. Like, true professional putter-offer. No list yet. So I've devised my own list ...
The Top 10 Moments T-bone Will Capture at his Friend's Wedding
1. The couple locked into a love gaze, about to share their first kiss as man and wife, and the groom sneezes. I'll need a fast shutter speed to capture the flying snot!
2. The bride's tears when a family rival decides to wear a dress just like hers. And the ensuing cat fight/screamfest will make some awesome action shots.
3. Granny's dentures fall into the punch bowl! Sploosh! Hilarious!
4. During the ceremony, the little ring bearer running around the church screaming that he just pooped in his pants. One for the scrapbook! Or, crapbook!
5. Uncle Merle shows up drunk and pukes on one of the bridesmaids. Get a mop! And then he passes out face-first into the wedding cake. Another keeper! At least that will spare me from that coy "I-know-I-promised-not-to-smoosh-cake-in-your-face-but-I'm-going-to-do-it-anyway" picture.
6. Instead of reading scripture from the bible, the pastor accidentally picks up an instruction manual on how to install a celing fan. I'll capture the shocked looks on all the faces as he says, "make sure the motor assembly is screwed firmly to the stud."
7. The emergency sprinklers going off after somebody bumps that lame "unity candle" thing and it catches the altar on fire.
8. Someone is bound to take an early "honeymoon" trip as they walk down the aisle. Long dresses, heels and rented tux shoes will get them every time! There goes the bride!
9. That romantic moment when the groom yanks off his hair and says, "Look! I'm really bald!" And then the bride rips off her hair and says, "Me, too!" And then someone in the audience stands up, rips off their clothes and says, "I'm not really a woman!"
10. The standard leaving-the-church shot with the happy couple in their getaway car. Except it won't start, and it will include the groomsmen trying to push it out of the parking lot. Welcome to Hicksville, lovelies!
Bonus: My thumb will become a member of the wedding party, and it has magically inserted itself into every shot! Whoopeeee!
HAHAHAHAHA! Ah, if only my own wedding had been that, um, interesting. The only fun things that happened at mine were that Hub's aunt Carol showed up in a neckbrace, and the ex-wife of Carol's husband (figure THAT one), who had just finished divorce#3 tackled my never-married single friends to get to the tossed bouquet.
Please don't forget the one where the bride turns quickly and dips her veil into the candles (they always have so many damn candles). I saw this one live. It would make such a great kodak moment. Good luck!
I want to see it on YouTube.
Heehee.
So are you going to post your proofs on your site for all of your readers to enjoy?
You forgot to add the shot of the two, unmarried, older female cousins of the bride, coming to blows over who actually caught the bouquet.