January 2007 Archives

Can you spot the real reasons I haven't updated his space lately?

1. I've been looking into forming an exploratory committee to run for president in 2008. The committee is headquartered Inmypants.

2. My kids are so wonderful and cute that all I want to do when I get home is stare at them. Also, I like to throw popcorn into their mouths. The baby (and the Petite Filet) are not amused by this.

3. The dog says I spend too much time on the computer.

4. My toe hurts. Actually, it doesn't. But if it did, by cracky I wouldn't be wasting time with you people.

5. I've been writing a book on a decorating style I created that pretty much involves throwing things up in the air and seeing where they land. I call it fling shui.

6. Not happy with the shingles on our abode, I've been replacing them one by one every chance I get.

7. I am attempting to harness the power of the sun with nothing more than Saranâ„¢ wrap and a bucket. The future of mankind hinges on this, I am certain.

8. With my 100-mile bicycle ride only seven months away, I've been putting my mettle to the pedal so often that I have foresaken all personal hygiene (the Petite Filet is REALLY not amused by this).

9. I am so swamped creating an American Idol fantasy league. Wanna play?

10. The lone circuit breaker that failed at the house is the one that goes with the electrical circuit that provides power to the bedroom, where our desktop, DSL modem and wireless router are plugged in.

If you don't have time to write something meaningful, you can just post a picture of the baby. Say hello, Riblet!

Tonight, President Bush will give his annual State of the Union address. Below are some ways he will describe our Union:

0x003F Squishy, yet standing strong

0x003F Minty fresh

0x003F Powerful as a locomotive

0x003F Awesome

0x003F Way betterer than when that other guy was President

0x003F Like an island in the stream, that is what we are

0x003F A bunch of drunken Chicago Bears fans

0x003F Fergilicious!

0x003F Like a rolling stone

0x003F Neat

Advice to anyone seeking Mr. Bush�s job in the 2008 election: You might as well quit now unless you�ve already made a national name for yourself, in a good rather than bad way. Note to Sen. Clinton: The cookie-baking moms of the country will rise up to squash you. Will another worthy woman please stand up and run? It's about time.

On that note, I'm seeing more Apple0x003F stickers on car windows. Sure, most people may have gotten them with their iPods, but it's still a good sign. For the price of the iPhone (coming in June), there had better be freakin' stickers that talk or at least play a song. I put an Apple0x003F sticker on my bicycle because I'm a rebel.

And then there are questions ...

� How does an ice cream shop go out of business in Texas?

� What good are sidewalks if nobody ever walks on them?

� Will I miss the cold weather when it's 102 in the shade?

� Will my family ever get a decent night's sleep again? Are you listening to me, Riblet?

� Are there any good jobs out there? I mean, besides head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. After all, that's far from a good job.

� Will I ever come up with something meaningful to write here?

� Will you leave a comment?

� Isn't Pluto really a planet?

� Why doesn't pizza have its own food group?

� Is there an end to this nonsense?

Just learned the other day that select Wendy's restaurants offer a freakin' Vanilla Frosty! Why was I not alerted to this fact the minute it happened? Now that it's icy and snowing here (yes, really), I won't be in the mood to try a Vanilla Frosty. It must be at least 50 degrees outside for me to eat something like that. Now I have to wait until everything else melts. Rats!

There are good things about weather like this, though:

• My neighbor will wear a shirt when he takes out his garbage. His wife will, hopefully, do the same.

• The stray cats in the neighborhood won't go on so many "dates" under our bedroom window.

• Because the icky weather affects us all, there's a whole Up With People Vibe that emanates from our very beings. Take heed to it, fellow Texans, and slow the heck down on the roads.

• People are doing homey things like building fires in their fireplaces and building snowmen in their yards. Those with sleds are, in fact, sledding.

• More hugs, less drugs.

• It's so cold, politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

• It's so cold, dumb old jokes ring a little funnier.

• It's so cold, my cell phone rings a little funnier, too.

• Frozen treats like Vanilla Frostys are easier to ignore. This will help my training regimen for the 100-mile bicycle ride. Of course, no bike riding is taking place right now, but it balances out I guess.

• Expect a baby boom in about nine months, but by golly, not at my house!

It's cold outside, why, it's 30 degrees!
And look, the roads are icy.
The weather's putting goosebumps on my knees,
And I'm craving food that's spicy.

So whilst in traffic, you may shiver
But I'm warmed up to the core.
And envying souls are all a-quiver
While I'm toasty, that's for shore!

My car may not be fancy, but whichever engineer thought it would be neat to offer heated cloth seats standard on my car (a 2005 Outback wagon), you rock! The heat is pretty intense, comes on quickly and is usually something I turn down after a few minutes. Either that, or I find myself stripping off excess clothing while I'm driving. It starts with a hat, scarf, gloves. I can take my coat off at a stoplight. If my commute was too much longer, I find the toastiness of it all would render me in nothing but my skivvies and a smile. I'm not sure that's an appropriate way to stop traffic.

Meet the Riblet!

Not to be confused with the Cutlet, who is much bigger and already has his own laptop.

"Hello, I'm Agent Yammerjaws with the TMI Department. We received a call that you've been telling stories about your sexual escapades, describing in great detail your grooming habits and throwing in the occasional potty joke. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say is likely to be much much more than anyone else wants to hear."

Well, if I'm going down I might as well take everyone else with me, right? So here are a few things that are definitely in the TMI realm ...

• I have hairy ears, like it's Follicle City from my lobes to the upper part of my ears. That's not as much of a concern as the fact that I'm younger than 40, the age at which I've heard Ear Hair can overtake one's head. Yikes!

• After years of tighty whities, and a migration to boxer-briefs, I've discovered colored boxer-briefs. Nothing like it to hide the occasional skid mark. The PF also likes them (on me, that is, or off me, er, um yeah). Double yikes!

• There's nothing quite like having sex in a car to make you feel young again (with your spouse, if you've got one). Except for maybe sex in a boat. Or in a tent. Or at your in-law's house. Triple yikes!

• Sometimes the baby's diapers contain something that resembles apple butter. This is making it easier to decide what NOT to have on my morning toast.

• Sometimes the baby's diapers contain something that resembles the consistency of instant oatmeal. This makes it easier to skip the box of Quaker's and go directly to the toast.

• Frightfulness is coming across an old photo of a hot chick in a string bikini and wondering who she is, only to flip it over and realize that it's your mom. Worse? Finding out it's your grandmother. Even worse than that? Finding out it's your uncle, who now calls herself "Sheba."

OK, these are definitely too much information. But I dare you to share something about yourself that falls in similar categories. Happy weekend!

I hate my cell phone.

Usually, I leave it somewhere, like in the dresser with my (clean) underwear. Or in my car. Or crammed into a jacket pocket. Or on the floor. Or under the bed. Or with me, yet turned off. It's like a leash, and I don't use it often. I imagine that could change with my next job, wherever that will be.

But of course, they've done it again. I really want one of these. Scratch that. I need one of these. The only improvements I can think of for now would be its ability to serve as a garage-door opener and TV remote. That, and the stinkin' thing starts at $499 and won't be available until June. At least it's Cingular, so I can just transfer my service.

In other news, one of my home-improvement projects came to a screeching halt this past weekend when I stabbed myself (by accident, dear hearts) with a screwdriver. So now there's a hole in my hand and one in the ceiling. The answer to your most burning question? It was a Phillip's head.

And ... coming soon ... I will reveal my youngest son's Internet name. It should be no surprise. Just count the votes in the comments below!

Now it's time to select an appropriate moniker for the newest edition to La Familia del T-bone. Please cast your vote today!

"When my daddy refers to me on his blog, he should use the name ..."

A. Riblet
B. Sloppy Joe
C. Nugget
D. Junior Burger
E. Kabob
F. Flank
G. Tenderloin
H. None of the above (but you've got to come up with something)

Name that gets the most votes wins!

If I were a blogger, I'd visit your blogs more often. Please note this isn't because I don't love and care about you. I've just been so busy that I'm not getting anything done that has to be tackled, much less the fun stuff. New baby, etc.

Happy New Year, by the way! Isn't it kind of strange how we're all sentenced to wander around this month saying how we can't believe it's 2007, and where did 2006 go and miswriting all our checks with the ol' "06" and remembering back to the third grade when we calculated where we'd be in the year 2000? Yeah, people, it's seven years later! Where did all that time go?

I've sort of already told you my resolution for 2007: by August, I will be fit enough to ride my bicycle 100 miles in one day. I'm so nutty! So the following are my anti-resolutions. Things that won't change about me in the coming year.

• I'll continue to wear shorts even though it's 30 degrees outside. In fact, just minutes ago I returned from walking the dog while I was wearing a heavy wool peacoat, leather gloves lined with Thinsulate™, a knitted hat and ... drumroll please ... shorts! Just because you can see your breath, that's no reason you shouldn't also see my knees. Party on!

• As time passes, I will continue to believe that I used to be a lot funnier. I give you three-plus years of Texas T-bone archives as evidence.

• I will contend alwaysandforever that Apple computers are much better than Windows PCs. This isn't to say that Windows doesn't have its place in the world (mostly at the curb), but to say that I am stubborn. I use a PC at work; my home computer and my laptop are Macs. This makes me, of course, an expert. Whatever!

• On that note, Ford and Chevy are exactly the same, Toyota is slightly better than Nissan, Honda is tons better than Dodge and having a car when you want one is tons better than walking. At least in the rain. Otherwise, walking is best. Or bicycling. But what do I know anymore? I drive a station wagon.

• There will be no circumstance during which I enjoy hearing my recorded voice. I'm amazed to be happily married, gainfully employed and accepted by society sounding like I do. Come to think of it, I think the fry cook was snickering in the drive thru last week. I'm a writer, not a paid commencement speaker! Bummer!

• I will keep serving in the capacity as Chief Cleaner. I do most of the laundry and do most of the cleaning (not all, by any stretch). I am still a man. A manly man's man. Or maybe a manly woman's man. It's just that cleanliness is next to T-boney-ness. Why wallow in filth when you can complain about it at the same time? If you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean. Where's my mop?

• Daddy will still be my favorite job, especially now that I'm twice-blessed.

• I'll make silly lists. Nobody wants to live listlessly, right?

• I'll start giggling at inappropriate times.

• I'll probably bore you with the details.

• I'll waste your time here.

Did I already wish you a Happy New Year? Can you believe it's already 2007?