Solicited Advice, Part I

Dear T-bone:
I'm having a problem with my girfriend. All she wants is sex sex sex. How do I tell her I'm not in the mood? She doesn't even want to cuddle afterward.
– Mr. Chips

Dear Chips: Get thee to a circus, you twisted freak! – T

Dear T-bone:
When I ask my 4-year-old if he wants to use the potty, he yells and screams at me and starts throwing things. All his friends are potty-trained. What should I do?
– Frustrated Mom

Dear Frustrated: At 4, it's most likely the process has become a discipline issue, so I suggest you make a little deal with your angry toddler. Tell him he's welcome to crap and piss his pants as often as he wants, but that he's too big to be cleaned off inside the house. After he goes, lead him to the back yard, strip him naked and rinse him off with a garden hose. Don't do it in anger; act like it's the most casual and normal thing in the world. If it doesn't work now, just wait until fall. – T

Dear T-bone:
Do you know the cure for world hunger?
– Peace Corps Queenie

Dear Queenie: Yes, the world needs to eat something. And I'd like to buy the world a Coke. – T

Dgkx T-dkje:
I ondk kno owe 2 tipe r spil vy will. weksfkd i kdfll >?
– X

Dear X: I know that you're a Spambot because I recognize your grammar from all those Vizzagra and pdjfkdjnis e-mails you've sent. I think you need to change your name to Hal, strap yourself to a rocket and be blasted into deep space. – T

Dear T-bone:
I'm having trouble coming up with blog entries. How do you do it?
– Postless in D.C.

Dear Postless: I'd suggest you stop blogging and turn your attention more to your cats, or your personal hygiene so you can make more friends in the real world. The Internet can be a cold, dark place for people like you. I bet you thought MySpace would be your saving grace, but it just turned out to be a bad experience because your friends list was empty. That video you uploaded on YouTube was kind of frightening. I noticed the desperation in your jerky dance moves. Those gigantic pink sunglasses couldn't hide the pain in your eyes. Take a deep breath and remember tomorrow is a new day. Peace be with you, Mr. President. – T

Dear (edited) Head:
You are a freakin' idiot and your advice sucks! Everything is a joke to you, isn't it? I wish your (edited) blog would explode you (edited) (edited) (edited) piece of (edited). Go (edited) yourself!
– Demolition Man

Dear Demo: Thanks for your comments. I'm sure you'll calm down as soon as you're potty-trained. – T

Got any questions for T-bone? You know what to do ...