Trippin' Texas Style

• Driving to San Antonio late at night from Fort Worth on a Wednesday night is a total bummer.

• It's less of a bummer if you buy one of those portable DVD players and don't mind watching (I drove, so I only listened to) kid movies during the nearly five-hour drive. I glanced carefully back at the Cutlet's happy face illuminated by the screen that was showing a "Curious George" video for the third time in a row.

• To keep a 3-year-old happy and active while his mom is at a seminar for work is easy. First, show him the cool water fountain at the mall behind the hotel. Then find the park near the zoo where you can ride the mini train. Buy him the toy train he immediately picks up while you're buying tickets for the train ride because you know it's not worth arguing about. Then find a big playground and wear the kid out. If you're lucky, residents of the local convelesent home will be wacking a pinata with sticks. While driving back to the hotel to rummage up some lunch, let him fall asleep in the car and get crummy drive-thru food for yourself and eat it in the car because you know a nap is necessary for the tired little guy.

• Don't get gas at the Shell station on the northwest Loop 410. Some guy approached me with some sort of sob story about needing gas money because he and his wife were traveling and were unable to activate the gas cards they had and with only 60 miles to go just needed some help. After I politely declined to assist, another dude in a gray T-shirt and wild-looking hair approached me and asked me if there was blood coming out of the gas pump. No, I replied, it looks like gas is leaking out of the middle pump. I explained that the red paint on the bottom of the pump may be reflecting onto the growing puddle of gas (which I'd better not be paying for as I filled my car with the regular pump), giving it the appearance of blood. He said something to the effect, "I'm obsessive-compulsive, you know, the people who wash their hands a lot? Just as long as that's not blood, I'm OK." It would have been tempting to hang around the station a while longer just to see who else I would meet, but I had the Cutlet with me and it was time to pick up the Petite Filet from her conference.

• There's not much to look at during the two-hour drive from San Antone to Corpus Christi (and its beckoning beaches). There's even less to eat, so make sure you're not hungry.

• Padre Island (no, not South Padre – that beer-soaked Spring Break destination) is pretty neat but it's a lot further from Corpus than I remembered. But we paid our $10 to drive the Subaru on the beach and look at the mounds of seaweed and interesting trash that washed up. Was disappointed that the Web site's promise was not kept about abandoned boats sometimes washing up. Was really hoping a lonely kayak would want to get strapped to the roof of the car. The Cutlet also fell asleep there, so we couldn't have the Happy Family Fun Time on the beach until later on when we'd gone back to Corpus.

• It's actually kind of funny when a cocky dude in a two-wheel-drive pickup truck rudely drives by on the sand going about 40 mph only to get stuck about 50 yards later. He had to be towed by some guy in a really old truck. The lesson here is ... if you must drive your rear-wheel drive truck on the beach, weigh down the bed with something so you'll gain traction. The Subaru, by the way, went through the same stretch with nary a whimper. I highly recommend one for light off-roading.

• Corpus Christi's beach is beautiful, and it was neat to see the decommissioned USS Lexington aircraft carrier moored just off the shore. It's open for tours and such. We were, however, disappointed in the lack of immediate amenities in the city. While Galveston's beach is not as pretty, there seems to be more of it and the city itself is full of great places to eat and things to do. Maybe we like that island more because we honeymooned there. Or maybe it was the long drive to CC that made us expect gold-plated umbrellas would shield us from the sun.

• When nature calls and there's no designated place to answer, it is most important to master "The Beach Pee." When the water's a little chilly, it may seem daunting to wade out into the churning surf to relieve oneself. In fact, it was too daunting for me to attempt. I did, however, accomplish the "Warm Pee Down The Leg" move, which requires care when in mixed company on the beach. It involves exactly what the name implies, followed by a quick dash into the water to rinse urine from one's leg. If the coast is somewhat clear, the male member of the species can direct the pee down the leg rather than letting it soak through one's swimsuit and then dribble in a ticklish way. It involves just a wee bit of public nudity, but is the more sophisticated manuever.

• Don't eat at the Olive Garden. We had planned on eating elsewhere, but found the traffic too hard to navigate (danged speeders) and drove up the road a bit to find another likely eaterie ... had gone out of business. It was next to the Olive Garden, so we went ahead and ate there. Or at least we hoped to. About an hour after we ordered (soup, a kid's pizza and an adult pizza), we finally got our vittles. The waitress didn't answer why it took so long, and neither did the manager once we told him the situation. He offered to buy us dessert, but we didn't have the extra two hours to wait for it. This is not the first time I've had bad times at the O.G. At a location closer to home, I was mid-forkful (with food still on my plate), when the waitress came by and asked if she could "get that out of my way." I nearly stabbed her hand with my fork because I thought it was chicken parmesan.

• Also, don't bother asking for a couple of washcloths at the La Quinta. I called down to the front desk because our room at only one cloth for the three of us. We're a close family, but we don't share everything. Anyhow, two hours later, after I used a freakin' hand towel to shower with, I finish packing up the car to leave and who shows up? A housekeeper with a couple of washcloths. Thanks for nothing, bee-hive (you thought I was going to write "bee-yatch" didn't you?).

• Family Trip Tip: Leave a day early. We were tired from all the fun and waiting for our food at the O.G., so we split from Corpus and headed back to San Antone, where we had planned to stay the night before driving back to Cowtown. After a lovely lunch and nice boat tour on the San Antonio River, we decided it would be better just to drive home Saturday night. We woke up Sunday morning in our own beds, with nowhere to be (normally we'd be going to church, esp. on Easter, but we were spent). It was worth the long, nighttime drive. It is so nice to be home.