Pumped up

• Get in your car and drive as fast as it will possibly go. When the cops pull you over, arrest you for being stupid and impound your car, you won't have to worry about gas prices.

• Invest in the original hybrid vehicle – a bicycle – and use it for short errands. If you want a turbo, eat lots of beans.

• Go to the park and round up as many squirrels as you can catch. Put a little treadmill under your hood and stick 'em in there for miles and miles of gas-free driving.

• Combine your trips. For example, if you need to visit your parole officer and go grocery shopping, do it in that order. You don't want the guy to see how much beer you're buying or he might get the wrong idea. Or, maybe you have ice cream that you don't want to melt. Yeah, that's it.

• Telecommute to work. It means you can work in your PJs, watch "The Price is Right" and pick your nose freely – all while leaving your car in the driveway.

• Carpool! Bonus: If you shower only every three days, you won't have to share the back seat with anyone.

• Use mass transit! Go ahead and shower, but if you need space, just start shouting out random things at varying intervals. For example, if somebody wants the seat next to you, yell "Cooties!" while shaking your head. Or maybe you can say "Red rash! Red rash!" or "Spaaaaaaaaaace herpes!" If, like me, you live in a place that doesn't have mass transit, buy a bus and charge other people to ride. Wah-lah!

• Move somewhere that embraces bicycle commuting, walking or other forms of non-driving transport. I'm thinking Haiti or China, but some U.S. cities would fit the bill as well. Like, Elksfart, Arkansas, or maybe Earwax, Nebraska. These aren't real cities, I just felt like typing them.

• Drive slower! If you would be embarrassed by all the honking, put on a big gray fluffy wig, some large glasses and pretend you're really old. If you are really old you already do this.

• Get a smaller car. Just be careful that this plan doesn't bite you in the butt. For example, as cute as Mini Coopers are, they require premium fuel. After the third fillup, you'll be asking yourself, "Why oh why dear Lord did I buy this go-kart with the finicky eating habits??"

• Throw caution to the wind and just drive, drive, drive. Bumperstickers may say we're supporting terrorism (I hope that's not true!) or that we are punching holes in the ozone layer (um, maybe!), but you won't have to see the bumperstickers if you follow my first suggestion!