Dearest Internet,
You opened up a new world to me, especially at my previous job during which I had the time to explore your outermost corners and stumble upon blogging. Thanks for that, Internet. You're the greatest. And yet, you suck. Seems like I should be wasting time at the beach rather than staring into your void and rat-tat-tapping on this (albeit lovely) stupid keyboard. Here are some things I want you to remember, Internet, so that maybe I'll have better feelings about you:
• Contrary to what some of my past lovers may tell you (liars, all of them), my penis is just fine the way it is. My wife is happy (and so am I), and that's all that matters. Even at age 31, it still readily responds to commands. Stop sending me spam e-mails! Go bother John Bobbitt.
• You've made it too easy to dream about a new car I can't afford. Although I've narrowed my list to three conceivables, you still try to tempt me with Infinitis, Lexi and Mercedes with lease offers that would eventually drown the family. And hey, Mini Cooper convertible, stop looking like so much fun! You're not practicial enough for a family of four (that's including the dog). Jeep Wrangler, sorry, you are super cool and rugged, but we need something we can drive cross-country without jostling our giblets. One part of my anatomy that has grown is my practicality bone: I want closer to 30 mpg on the highway, you worldwide webby wonder, you.
• Ditto on a new bicycle. Although the mpg is right, I am unable to justify even a "bargain" $1,000 for a new pedal-powered ride. I guess I'm stuck on my 10-year-old green mountain bike for at least awhile. Good news, however. For Father's Day I got a book (via amazon.com) on building that boat I've wanted to build for years. If I can get some more home projects done, I'll begin constructing the canoe. It'll be like a bike for the water, but cheaper and wetter (yikes, that sounds like a porn site).
• A bit of good news, Internet! We'll be able to access you faster, which will make it less hard and possibly keep us on longer (sounding like a spam e-mail here). Found a DSL offer that's only $5 per month higher than the crummy dialup we've been using. Maybe a wee bit of speed will allow me to use iTunes to the nth degree. Download, download, download, baby!
• Last but not least, thanks for being open 24 hours a day, seven days a week – whether we want you to be or not.
Love,
T-bone
An old friend from high school stumbled on my blog today. It's so interesting to realize the ways we communicate today... with an emphasis on email, and the www in general.
I like to think of my life in terms of BI and AI (before and after my introduction to the www circa 1993). :)
Don't forget your slushie and your lottery ticket. Ahhh, the delights of ye olde internet.
The picture of your son looking up the tree trunk is priceless. I guess I'm prejudice because in that picture, he looks exactly like my son at that age.
I remember you talking about that boat when I first started reading you. Build it already! :)
And we finally got DSL too. I thought we were the last ones on the planet to get it, but I guess you made us seem like the techie family that we're not! :)
Hey, I just drove 1800 miles in the wrangler and I had boobs to contend with, which are still attached, btw. Anyhoo, I have internet again, YAY!!!
Good thing I don't have a porn filter on my computer. With a title like "bigger, harder and longer lasting", content like "cheaper & wetter" and comments like the one from Julia about her boobs, I wouldn't be able to read your wisdom.
Don't forget about all the free stuff you can get on the internet like $250 gift cards! I got a "free" credit report once. Of course I didn't read the small print, a month later, I was charged $79.95 for some "Credit Monitoring Service". Yes, I called, bitched, and had them credit the money back.