Little did we know that a party my sister and her husband threw at their house on Saturday would yield more than just the overcooked food and toy-strewn ambiance of fiestas past. My brother-in-law's National Guard unit has been called up for overseas service – something we knew about months ago – and this was to be a hurrah for him.
But it also happened to be the venue for my sister's announcement that she's pregnant. A joyful occasion, to be sure, but tinged with feelings of resentment and nausea (by not only her) that make this one of those "wrong place, wrong time" things. However, we didn't say anything other than the required congratulations because we didn't want to start "the wrong war."
However, I'll tell you – fine readers – what's on my mind about the whole situation:
• I love my sister, and part of me loves my brother-in-law. But their parenting skills are a mismatched mismash. I hope they can agree on whether to use "time outs" (which aren't working for my 5-year-old nephew) or butt lashings.
• They are both under-educated and underemployed. Though I never think finances should be the primary concern in raising a family, it's got to be right up there with, well, wanting a family. It's already difficult for them to make their bills (don't get me started on why on earth they bought a new car last year).
• My sister has a history of psychological problems that mostly are taken care of now, but still lurk beneath the surface. My bro-in-law's family is even nuttier (and I mean nutty), with schizophrenia and other real, genuine ailments all over their family tree. Is that a good inheritance? It was enough of an excuse for both of them to say they did not want to have a child between them.
• Let me stop there and say that my bro-in-law is not my nephew's natural father, but my nephew is also having some problems. The little guy is having trouble adjusting to school, having a father figure and well, he's unhealthily obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine.
• My sister says this pregnancy is an accident (much like her first one). Though he or she will be welcomed with love – most likely smothered with it – love just can't conquer all. I don't know whether to believe her, because she's wanted another baby, but fortunately that part of it's none of my business.
Really, most of it is none of my business. But I can't help having some feelings of being cheated. Sure, that's petty. I'll admit it. But as the oldest I should get some privileges. I was the first sibling to get married, but she had the first grandchild. And she lived with my parents at the time, so that grandchild became the most spoiled kid ever known.
The Petite Filet is the oldest of her siblings and shares my pain. Her youngest sister was the first in her family to get married (running away to do it in Hawaii when she was 18), and that caused a mini-rife. But then she was also the first (we hope only) sister to get divorced, too.
So now my sister's the center of attention again. And we figure that she'll have the first granddaughter in my family. That's how life works.
And I know I'll love that little baby, and then I'll stop being so bitter, petty, resentful and the rest. But I'm not changing one of that kid's diapers because that's a privilege my sister will earn.
Hey, I understand how you must be feeling. But really, in the grand scheme of things none of this matters much..so what if they're the "first"? My parents were both the oldest, but they had us later than their younger siblings, because they were off going to graduate school and traveling and living full lives before we came along. I'm glad they did because it made my childhood happier and fuller than it would have been if they'd had me before they were ready.
Besides, this niece or nephew of yours will already be super blessed to have you and the Petite Filet as his/her aunt and uncle. Sounds like the kid will need all of the positive and stabilizing family influences he/she can get growing up!
All good things will come in time.
Oh My God. Is this my husband talking?? No? Well, funny because it sounds like his sister you're talking about. Except for the fact that she's not married and thankfully not having another baby and most of the rest of it, but there are some striking similarities.
Sometimes it's good to vent the petty/not so petty stuff. Keeps the buildup to a minimum.
Just an observation--it's funny how siblings can vary so much in their child rearing practices. That being said I second what teahouseblossom said. I try real hard to let my nieces and nephew know that they can count on me if they need me.
I totally understand where you are coming from. As an older sister, my brother got married at a very young age. I got married five years later, however, when I told the family that I was going to try to have a baby (big mistake), my sister-n-law surprised everyone four months later saying she was pregnant. That wasn't fair, I was the oldest and I should have the first grandchild. I was very upset.
We both ended up having boys and I recently found out that I am pregnant and she's not (he he he), so maybe just maybe I'll have the first girl.
Like I said I understand this sibbling rivarly. But don't get hung up on it. Everyone can do what they want to do and it's all good. Right?
wow. this sounds exactly like someone else i know right now. EXACTLY! i think it is kind of fun to stew about their situation...because it makes me feel all the more sane.