Reeling in the Years

1. Especially for the guys: our waistlines are not keeping pace with our age anymore. Oh no, our pants have leapfrogged into the big numbers now!

2. Who needs to get drunk? I can take my glasses off and achieve the same dizzying effect in minutes, complete with puking and not being able to find my car keys.

3. You can keep a running tally of how often certain distinct fashion trends reappear. For example, I've lived through four miniskirt cycles (bring them on!), three bellbottom cycles (including the original) and two layered-look cycles. The good news is, all that ratty flannel I collected in the early '90s will be back in style any day now.

4. On your birthday, lighting all those candles becomes a joke. Because they can't all be lit in one day. And when finished, your cake can be seen from space.

5. You start becoming more aware of senior-citizen discounts, pointed out to you by the tactless writers in your free copy of the AARP magazine.

6. The word "kids" now includes anyone under 50.

7. Most of your tomorrows were yesterday, and when I write that you hear the Beatles singing about that same sentiment.

8. Another one for the guys: you don't have to be old to be a dirty old man, but now you're both.

9. More of you is pointed south, even when you're headed north.

10. When you see the TV commercials about the Craftmatic® adjustable bed, it no longer conjures up elaborate, twisty sexual fantasies, but rather gives you hopes of being able to get out of bed easier.