How much wood would a T-Bone chip if a T-Bone could chip wood? The answer: about three trees’ worth of branches. Sadly, not quite all of it, because I ran out of energy and daylight before I could finish. I had to leave time to wash the wood chipper off or I’d be subject to a $50 cleaning fee. Yeah, like pardon me if the wood chipper isn’t clean enough to eat off of! Buy a table, Paul Bunyon!
Didn’t realize how many muscles I normally don’t use. A job like shredding tree branches involves lots more stooping, lifting, heaving and agility than I normally employ as a desk jockey. It’s a humbling experience; you think you’re in decent shape, but no! You are a weak weak little monkey boy! So sore. So scratched up. So tired. But manly: the chipper was LOUD and I got to use my new chainsaw (the precursor to which was stolen).
I need to find activities that give me a real workout. None of that fancy-nancy gym stuff for me. No, sir. I wanna be in shape like the pioneers. Chiseled. Smelly. Strong with a capital Oh Baby. Which means I need to ...
• Build a house with my bare hands.
• Fell large trees and make them into a fence with nothing but sweat and an axe.
• Hunt and kill my own meat (for the vegetarians: raise my own crops, then hunt and kill them).
• Fight off Injuns (for the politically correct: fight off my redneck hippy white-trash neighbors).
• Get some awful disease that gives me the nonstop runs (gross!).
• Use dried corn husks (or the Sears catalog) instead of Charmin.
• Instead of modern painkillers, chomp down on a bullet and take a shot of whiskey when it really hurts.
• Walk everywhere (or ride my horse, Nellie. That way I could say, “Whoa, Nellie!” whenever I stopped).
• Live off the land, instead of just on it.
• Marry me a pioneer gal and have 15 children (that’s what not having TV does!).
Or, better yet, I can live my life in the modern world and just forgo the whole wood-chipping thing. Yes, I like that. In our world, we take microwave popcorn for granted. That’s not such a bad world after all, come to think of it.
That's a lot of wood chips....that had to be satisfying!
So now you can be a CHIPpendale Guy?
We do romanticize the by-gone eras of Davy and the boys, huh?
Your list sounds very heroic. But I'm thinking Modern World might be a better solution.
15 kids!!!! Do you know how much sneakers cost?
Have fun working on the 15 T bone steaklets! ;-)
And, Happy Easter dude.
GO AMISH!!!
good lord you make me laugh. to be a thought...in your mind...running aroundl...would be sooo fun. how in the world are you inspired to write about such normal things and make them so appealing? i ran outta things at about the 3 month mark.
I am truly not twisted but everytime I see a chipper, I think of the movie Fargo. (The movie made me think it)