Part One: This is a fake question-and-answer session with famous '80s Russian Cold War-comedian Yakov Smirnoff.
T-Bone: So, Mr. Smirnoff, what have you been up to lately, especially considering that the Cold War has been over for some time now?
Smirnov: I've been doing celebrity pie-eating contests, ribbon cuttings and porn films. Only in America, I say! Usually I do my one-man show in Branson, Missouri, too.
T: How has your comedy suffered now that the Soviet Union disintegrated?
S: It hasn't, really, because life over there is still pretty bad. I mean, I can still tell that joke about, 'In America, people have 7 pairs of underwear, one for each day of the week. In my country, people have 12 pairs – one for each month.' Except that now Russia has become more Westernized, few people actually wear underwear. The worst part about it is having to say 'In Soviet Russia' instead of 'In my country.' It gets tiresome on occasion.
T: What type of freedoms do you appreciate most in America, having become an American citizen in 1986?
S: Well, I can eat whatever kind of pie I want (pats belly). I have the right to vote, the right to tell bad jokes at little comedy clubs, and the right to buy a gigantic ess-yoo-vee and drive to the mall. To me, that's what America is about. The fat pasty white middle-America tourists who see my shows in Missouri also provide endless fodder for jokes. Sadly, my agent won't let me tell any of them on stage.
T: What really drives you crazy?
S: When people think I am Weird Al Yankovic. Or when they think I know Anna Kournikova. I want to know Anna Kournikova – who wouldn't? – but she won't return my calls.
T: Just one more question, Mr. Smirnoff. When you were a kid, did you ever get teased about your last name, because it's like Smirnoff vodka?
S: Any Russian would be proud to be associated with such a fine drink. Sure, on the playground in kindergarten when we played drinking games, some of the other kids would poke fun at my name. But I would just tell them that my family was rich and that I'd tell the Soviet government to bomb their houses. All in good humor, of course.
Disclaimer: This entry is parody and in no way reflects upon the fine, upstanding and family-friendly comedy of Mr. Yakov Smirnoff of Branson, Mo. Neither he nor Anna Kournikova would return my calls for an interview. Have a nice day.
maybe I can help....
I only dated Anna for about a year.....lemme see....that cell number is around here somewhere. I'll get back to ya on that. My wife might have thrown out Anna's cell number.....crap!
Yakov makes great sour apple beer!