It may just be the types of jobs I choose to accept, but it seems like there's a pattern to the workplace that is undeniably similar. And I'm not just talking about two jobs, I'm talking about my entire post-college career (that's six jobs for anyone keeping track).
That may lead us to the rosy conclusion that people are the same everywhere you go. I don't buy that: sure, we've all got something in common, but we are different. To me, it's more settling to know we are individuals in this great big world. Anyhow, here's a list of similar personality traits I've noticed at every job I've had (come to think of it, this includes high school and college part-time jobs as well!) ...
Examples given are actual people, only the names have been changed to, well, be silly and rather Ann O. Nemus.
The Go-Getter.
This person takes on many forms, but often produces the most work. It can be someone who does great work and a lot of it. Or it can be the person who does a lot of work and it really stinks. Examples: Beavis McKenzie and Scooter.
The Victim
This employee is the butt of every joke, the object of every sideways glance, the topic of whispered conversation around the water cooler. And they know it. Examples: "Yoda" and Rumberto.
The Good-Looking Person
This is the sole person who is out of their element compared to the rest of the staff. It may not be because of outward appearance, maybe it's a good heart that lets them shine. This person may not necessarily be the office's playa, but often is. Examples: Tanny Longlegs and Mountains Mitchell.
The Ugly Person
Just like No. 3, this has little to do with looks. This is an inward description. Sure, sometimes it creeps out to the visible layers of one's persona. Deep down, these are the poor souls who ooze ugly. This person may not necessarily be the office singleton, who everyone else is trying to set up on dates. My past two jobs involved co-workers in my department who were almost all married or in exclusive relationships. Examples: Braidsy Beadpod and Tacito Timmy.
Somebody's Relative
There's no business like family business. In many cases, this relative of the boss or a powerful company player is there simply because of blood. The person can take on any of the other traits, but is still basically just somebody's relative. It's nepotism at its worst if this guy or gal can't do the job. Examples: Bubba Bowlingbag and Spongebob Redpants.
The Vegetarian
To me, this describes anyone living in La La Healthkick Land. I admire vegetarians for their stick-with-it-ness (dang, meat is yummy). Other health nuts fit into this category as well. Even if they aren't completely healthy, they are the Donut Police who try to throw away all the junk food in the office before others can eat it. Examples: Quivering Mounds and Tawny Pickles.
Liver of Alternative Lifestyles
This is beyond not eating meat: this is someone who is thwarting convention and the norm to live on the Island of Woopty-Do. And they stick out like sore thumbs. Some of you may be thinking: "Aha! He's talking about gay people." Well, no, at my previous job in advertising at a retail department store, I was the Liver of Alternative Lifestyles because I am married to a woman. It could be the lone Democrat or Republican in the office. Or the Wearer of Hawaiian Shirts. Examples: Rumberto or Parsley Sprigs.
Flo
This is a person, or group of people, who literally go with the flow, don't rock the boat, aren't really worth mentioning. Except they take up parking spaces and steal your lunch. Examples: Curly Renno and Tipsy Beerhugger.
Soda-can Hand
Often highly caffienated, this person always seems to be drinking a soft drink. This is a close relative to Mugsy, the person who continuously drinks coffee the entire day. Don't mess with them! Examples: Beavis McKenzie and Oldy Goodwrecker.
Oblivioso Oblingotta
Here's the counter to the Victim: the person who is oblivious to their place as the butt of every joke, object of every sideways glance and topic of the office pool. Examples: Limpy Gimpletoes and Redneck Ned.
The Busybody
Here's the person involved in everyone's business. Sadly, it is often the office receptionist, who also happens to know a little about everyone's business, who takes on this oh-so-annoying role. Examples: Marie Margarite and Manny Woman.
The Exception
There's always exceptions. But I can tell you, with all my jobs behind me, I can stop and think about someone from each that fits into at least one of the categories like a glove. If there's a stray person out there, they'll fit into The Exception category quite nicely.
Happy working, people. If you're reading this on Friday, you know what that means! If you're reading this on Saturday, that means you have time to burn and should be mowing my lawn.
Later!
I'm thinking - have we worked in the same office before? I seem to know all those Ann O. Nemus people.
It's Friday, and I am taking a vacation day. One with nothing in particular to do. Yes!!
The offices I've worked in always seem to have an Office Mom. She's the one who always cleans up after meetings featuring crumbly cookies. She also remembers everyone's birthday and refills the candy bowl anonymously. God save the Office Mom!
You just described my entire office! AWESOME man! Great post!
Dew
Wow, I can relate to many of those in my current co-workers. I am the go-getter, but I am trying to stop.
I am lucky to work with a good bunch. Since I am the boss where I'm at, it has to run well- who would I complain to? ha. Have a great weekend.
hey i'm a vegetarian byut def, not a health nut...
one category you seemed to forget is the whiner - subspecies the whiner who complains about everything, but has worked there for 20 + years
Since I currently work in a small office (me and the two brothers who own the biz) I either have to be all of those (except someone's relative) or I don't have most of them. I have run into most of them in the past and have qualified as a couple myself.
I'm Soda Can Hand. I always have a diet coke open.
Scary descriptions. True, but scary!