State of the Union

More coverage has been given – at least on TV – to the state of the union between Jennifer Lopez/Ben Affleck. When I heard they had "officially split," I was relieved because maybe that means we'll be subjected to less of their antics, and I would hope no more movies are made in which they share co-starring roles. Nothing says "kiss of death" at the box office quite like one of their films (whatever happened to that new one I heard about? Lopez' character is pregnant or something?).

Anyway, this state of the union (as well as the constant barrage of broken homes in and out of the spotlight) seems to show the world that love doesn't last. Most of us have had breakups; not as publicly or celebrated as some of our earthly peers, for sure. But the pain is real. Some of us are hurting right now because of it. And hearing the "time heals all wounds" or "there are other fish in the sea" lines don't help one bit. Not at all. Because that's not what I wanted to hear in those times, either.

I wanted it to work with the girls/women I was with at the time. Sometimes I blamed myself for not being good enough to hold their interest. Other times, I wondered how I could have been so stupid to fall for them. Still at other times, a mutual breakup – still painful – was easily seen as the best solution for all involved. And yet the emptiness is there.

Everyone approaches dating from different angles, perspectives and with their own experience/baggage. There are varying levels of commitment brought in by either party. People have different ideas of what they want from a relationship. Some think they've found the "one," while their partner is just "having fun." Some date to find a mate, others are just out to not be alone.

In my single days, I was no Don Juan. I had my "fair share" (what does that mean?) of distinctively different relationships, and learned something from each one. Here are five things I gleaned from them:

1. If someone talks about marriage within the first month of dating, it is central to his/her thought processes and must be addressed.
In my case, a girl I was dating was talking marriage on our second date. I was not ready for marriage, nor did I think she was right for me to marry. We broke up quickly.

2. Sex is almost always good, but it's not always right.
I stole that line from a song, but it applies here. It is too easy to equate compatibility with sexual compatibility. Few of us waited before we were married to do the deed (me included), but we can find forgiveness for that sin. However, having sex too early in a relationship is hard to overcome. If it's a serious, stable relationship that we seek, we're more likely to find it when we let an underlying friendship develop. It clouds our true feelings. Let it be a complement to love, not a substitute or false creation of it.

3. Dating to me was never a game, it was a dance.
Good dancers respect their partners. We make it clear that we are not comfortable with certain moves, and won't cha cha if all we want to do is waltz. Honest, open communication about our hopes, fears, desires and plans for the future cannot be over-emphasized. We must listen to our partners to make sure their dancing meshes with ours. When we hide our hearts, or don't seek our partner's intentions, we are setting ourselves up for missteps that can go beyond stepped toes. Someone's going to get hurt.

4. Like medicine and law, love is a practice.
Few people get it right the first time. There are happy marriages based on love-at-first-sight or between high-school sweethearts. But I'm glad that didn't happen to me. Not only did I find out exactly what I did and didn't want in a wife through years of dating, I served as the antithesis for at least a dozen or more females by exemplifying exactly what they didn't want in a husband. Live, love and learn. And then move on. Another pitfall, probably one the most common reasons for divorce, is that marriage is also a practice. It takes work, and we can never have a perfect one. The bright side is that hard work and commitment usually pays off in immeasurable dividends: it's worth the effort.

5. You've got to find your own way.
We can share tales of love and love lost, but love's the most personal of emotions and experiences. I can tell you how to find it and keep it about as easily as I can walk to the moon. At best, I can tell you stories about what's happened to me, and you can apply them as necessary.

Valentine's Day, that flimsy, manufactured and overly commercial holiday of the heart's patron saint, is less than a month away. My hope is that if you don't have love but want it, that you find it. And once you find it, that it fills your heart with what you need. In the meantime, enjoy the dance.