This is a format I first saw used by Kelly and subsequently well-employed by my Dallas neighbors Windowsill Wendy and Indigo Steve.
Dear Hotmail Staff,
For years I have been eating at the trough of your free, easy-to-use service. That is, until earlier this week, when you decided to UPGRADE. I think you’ve misused the word: for Apple computer devotees like me, you have managed only to muddle your server by making it operate more like Microsuck Windows.
Good thing I do not rely on Hotmail for business purposes. I can see my messages, but cannot read them. That includes a POLICY REMINDER message from you, Hotmail Staff (which I will promptly delete without giving you the satisfaction of wasting more of my time). Maybe it’s time to switch to Yahoo! Or the ever-reliable Pony Express.
You suck (but thanks for being free),
T-Bone
***
Hey there Big Shot Television Producers,
Thank you for supplying an endless torrent of horrible bent reality TV that makes it easier for me to turn the dumb thing off. It has helped me catch up on my reading and personal correspondence. Except for Survivor, of course.
Much obliged,
Mr. T
P.S.
That Jon guy better be voted off this week, or I won’t be watching Survivor, either. I pity the fool!
***
Dear Dove Exfoliating Body Wash,
I am unashamed to say I slathered you all over my man-body with one of those poofy sponges this morning. The wife says it can help keep my skin from drying out during the coming winter months. I think it’s working, and despite smelling as dainty as a school girl, I’m not drying out as much. Rock on!
Thanks,
Texas T-Bone
***
Dearest Petite Filet,
I thank God for every day you are in my life. It’s not just the big things, such as accepting me for the idiot I am, being strong of stomach enough to launder my dirty underwear, or being the devoted mother of my son.
It’s also those little things, like sweet little notes left around the house, the way you laugh, and your suggestion to use Dove Exfoliating Body Wash so my carcass doesn’t prematurely turn to dust. Thanks, and I give you the best of my love. You’re definitely my better half, and I love you very much.
Yours,
T
***
Dear Current Place of Employment,
I will miss some of my co-workers, and that’s about it. You manage to remind me minute-by-minute why I sought other work. Thanks for boosting my confidence in that decision as I saddle up for happier trails.
Five days left!
T
***
Dear Blogging Public,
Thanks for sharing your lives, thoughts, opinions, photographs, jokes and whatever else you manage to post to the Internet Void. I’ve made some good virtual friends, and look forward to “meeting” even more. If you guys are ever over this way, stop in and say hello! Would love to shake some of the hands whose fingers hit keyboards across the world to connect us in this strange, living, breathing online community.
Hey! And thanks for stopping by here. Come back often, won’t you?
Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 64? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Later,
T-Bone
Dear Texas Tbone:
You are one of a kind. If Petite Filet is your better half, she must be something else!
Love,
SAJ
WHAT?!?! What do you mean you quit your job? Ok, I know I haven't been an angel keeping up like I should but I can't believe I missed this! Please, please, please email me the readers digest version of your life for the past month or two! Thanks!!!! I need to catch up!
Dear Texas Tbone:
Thanks for giving me something great to read day in and day out, your whitty and sometimes comical/emotional/humorous/insightful (shall I stop now???) posts day after day, keep making me come back for more!
Keep up the good work!
-dewdew
i tell you what...i suggest all sorts of exfoliating body wash and i never get a note like that.
Dear T-Bone
Thank you for providing hours of reading that at times makes me laugh, or think or just realize that I'm thinking too much. From your surveys to your insights you make sure we all are able to relate and come together all in one place. Your awsome and ya rock. Keep it up.
Dear T-Bone,
You're one of the bright spots in my work day.
Kisses,
eelnahs
Dear T-Bone,
you wit is borderline wisdom. With it's rapier sharpness, it continues to cut to my funny bone. You are an inspiration to husbands and dads everywhere and you smell like a dainty school girl.
you rawk!!
Dear T-Bone,
I have really enjoyed reading your blog. I admire your optimism and wit. Don't ever change!!
Stacey
Hotmail S-U-C-K-S!
Out of all of the free providers - I really like Yahoo. It's time to make the switch!
I'd get three times the spam at my hotmail address than anywhere else. It's insane.
You must be soooooooooooooo excited to make the switch! I can't wait to read all about your new job.
Great post as always!
Free is pretty cheap. Nice that you had it "for years" But you know, pony express sounds adventuresome.
Cas
Kudos to your ant-eating ma
dear mr t
[insert suitable words here]
mr p
Thanks for "paying this style" forward since I emulated it yesterday.
Thank you for your sentiments - especially about The Petite Filet. It makes me smile from the inside out.
If it makes you feel any better I know you're not the only man-body out there using bodywashes and poofy sponges. I turend D. on to it long ago. I also know of another young man that uses more Bath & Body works stuff than I do, and he's a hockey player.
Yeah, Yahoo rocks so much more than Hotmail! And Jerry Yang is much more of a stud than Bill Gates, c'mon. You know you want to join us!!