As Seen on TV

IN THE KITCHEN

• The Ove Glove™
It’s an oven mit with fingers! Not only will it save your favorite chef from burns, it can be used to put on Hamburger Helper® puppet shows during dessert.

• Ronco® Food Dehydrator™
Everything is healthier and tastes better if it dries up and shrinks to a fourth its size! Make raisins at home out of grapes, even though it takes a lot more time and effort than simply DRIVING TO THE GROCERY STORE AND BUYING RAISINS!

• Ginsu® Classic Knife Set
Slice and dice to your heart’s content, and your fingers’ peril! They can slice through an aluminum can, and then a tomato, then human bone! Why would anyone (other than someone who’s had too much to drink) slice through a can? Freak!

• Perfect Pancake Maker®
Why settle for amoebic-looking flapjacks? Things taste better when they are perfectly round, everyone knows this! Take that, IHOP!

• Eurosealer™ Food Storage System
Things last longer when the air is sucked out of them! For example: Grandma!

PERSONAL CONVENIENCE
• The Clapper®
Never flick a light switch again! Just clap on! Clap off! Clap on, clap off, The Clapper®! The drawback: it only works if you sing the stupid jingle as you applaud your way through your house. Plus, the sound of one hand clapping does not trip the sensor.

• Flipster Garment Folder®
For compulsive, anal-retentive people who are also lazy, this little device will help you put the perfect “retail crease” into every apparel item you own. Also works on socks and handkerchiefs.

• Forever Gone™ Hair Removal System.
Guess you’d better be REAL sure you don’t want hair in a certain place. It ain’t comin’ back! Overly aggressive use of product may require Hair In A Can™ or some Rogaine®.

• Turbie Twist™
Hey look! It’s a cheap towel that you can wear on your head! All the other soccer moms will be so jealous of your Suburban Turban!

• Sewing Genie™
This handy dandy sewing machine will grant you three wishes if you rub it lovingly. Bound to keep you in stitches!

HOUSECLEANING
• The Sweepa®
A miracle broom/mop thingee that cleans every surface. Sure it does.

• OxiClean™ Cleaner
Don’t try to wash your dog with this stuff.

• Lil Big Vac®
Only oxymorons would buy a product named like this one. It’s little AND big!

HEALTH PRODUCTS

• The Torso Tiger™
I have no idea what this and other similar home exercise machines do, but their names crack me up. I think they work on the principle that you can’t reach your bag of Cheetos® if you thread yourself into some odd position.

• The Thumper Mini Pro™ and the Hitachi Magic Wand™
This first one is a nice little massager. The second one, um, is a, uh, personal massager.

There are also a large number of home and garden products on the market promising to ease life in those areas. I’ve found renting an apartment does the trick, too.

Why does simply seeing it on TV make it something we might want to have?

Products like these should carry a suggestion on how much to charge at your garage sale for them, when you’ve found they don’t work or make life more difficult. But then, if you’re giving them as gifts, what do you care? It's the thought that counts, even if you don't think too hard about it. Right? Sure!

Operators are standing by.