Even after you get married, and sometimes especially, there are times when you might consider what marriage really means. What’s it all about? Did I marry the right person? Will I always have to take out the garbage? These are questions I ask myself, not only at the rare times me and the Filet argue. It’s an intriguing institution, hooking up with one person for what you hope is the rest of your life.
Hidden among my ramblings are some questions about marriage. Feel free to answer none, one, two, three or all four of them.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck apparently postponed their wedding, possibly breaking up as well. Either that or they are on there honeymoon somewhere expensive.
1. Does anybody besides them and the news media actually care?
Saturday night I was doing a few things around the house. The TV was on just for noise – yes, I know it’s sad – and a show called “Race to the Altar” came on. I’d never heard of this “reality” show before, and this was the finale. A number of engaged couples faced a series of mental and physical challenges on a prolonged multicity race. It looked a lot like “The Amazing Race,” except that the contestants were all engaged couples and the challenges had cutesy names relating to weddings (“With This Ring” and “Bridal Shower”). The winning couple got “the wedding of a lifetime” and the losing couples were guests. Yeah, that’s a good idea. It was enough for me to go to our home office and work on the computer for a while.
2. Would you ever use your engagement in a contest to win a marriage-related prize? Why or why not?
Was reading Parade magazine in the Sunday newspaper. The “Fresh Voices” column asked eight teen-agers to complete the sentence “I want to marry someone who ...” Here’s a few of the answers (my brief commentary appears in parantheses):
16-year-old female: “When I think about getting married, I think about the rest of my life. So he doesn’t have to be the hottest guy – just someone nice who will treat our children and me the way he wants to be treated. And he’ll be able to keep a job.”
(She didn’t mention love. Without it, the guy she described could be her half-ugly uncle.)
14-year-old female: “I will marry someone who understands the seriousness of marriage and is willing to stay with me till death do us part.”
(That’s pretty heavy to think at 14. Are her parents divorced comedians, or is she on the right track?)
15-year-old male: “I want a pretty redneck girl who still likes to go out and get a little dirty. I like to go fishing and hunting, and I want a girl I can share all this with.”
(Good luck with that one, Bubba. Don’t worry if the gal you fall for isn’t into baiting hooks or shooting at things. You don’t have to have everything in common to be happy. Having separate hobbies is often healthy.)
17-year-old female: “Marrying someone you’re madly in love with is a bad idea – you can’t have a good relationship based on something so unstable. I’ll marry someone who shares my core values. People who want to marry for love, regardless of similar values, are foolish romantics who will be bitterly disappointed.”
(This was written by someone who has probably never been in love before. Love alone may be a rickety bridge on which to cross into marriage, but it is among the most important ingredients for a happy union. Sure, similar core values are important, too. But I hope her heart gives her foolish notions a good talking to before she is voted “Most Likely To Remain Single and Own Lots of Cats”.)
3. What does marriage mean to you?
The Petite Filet’s grandfather is quite ill and remains in the hospital, where he has been more than two weeks. About a week ago, his wife’s mother died. She couldn’t go to her own mom’s funeral (out of state) because of her husband’s condition. There had been a falling out between mom and daughter that was resolved during a visit last year – so peace was made. And this lady had lived a long, fulfilling life. But it was her mom!
4. What would you do in a similar situation? Why?
There are some absolutes in a happy marriage, but the rest is up to individual couples to figure out and practice. I guess there are some absolutes to a happy divorce, too, but I'm hoping to never find out for myself.
1. No.
2. Part of me thinks doing that would be fun, the other part says “no.” I think it might erode the specialness and seriousness of the occasion. Ours was a “wedding of a lifetime” because it was all we wanted. Plus, I’m not doing it again!
3. I’ve written about this in a variety of ways. In short, it means I can make love to my best friend without feeling icky.
4. The PF and I talked about this, and it’s what either one of us would have done in the same situation – stayed with our spouse in a time of need. Both of us are closer to our moms than the PF’s grandmother was to hers, but I don’t think it would matter. After someone dies, there’s not a whole lot more we can do for that person.
1. I'd agree with you that nobody else cares, though it would appear that lots of people are extremely curious. Even me.
2. Hmmm, by marriage-related prize do you mean a free wedding? Cause no, I wouldn't do that--I'd want God (at first I wrote *me* :)) to be in control of my wedding. But here's something I did do, when I was married to first husband we entered a "Newlywed Game" they were doing at a resort we were staying and WE WON! That was fun. Of course the marriage and divorce later sucked.
3. Love. And a promise to God to stick it out, no matter what.
Great post. I feel incredibly different about marriage now than I did in prior marriage. I needed to grow up, learn some stuff, and all that yadda yadda blah blah.
1. No, I don't think that others 'really care' but there is a curiousity .... lives like theirs are used to entertain the minds of others.
2. I'm old enough and wise enough to say "NO". but, had the oppertunity been round when I was young and engaged I may have been tempted to take advantage of it... heck, who doesn't like a little fame and fortune! I do recall early in my marriage thinking it'd be great to be in one of them shows where you and your spouse answered the same questions seperately... and the couple with matching answers would win. I thought hey, we know eachother real well... why not benefit from it. (and this would prove how well we know eachother... or not. )
... oops, I wasn't done.
3. Marriage means to me two caring and sharing in the highs and lows, comitted to eachother (hopefully for life). ... with or without God, depending on what you believe, but the comittment is to EACHOTHER.
4. I had to re-read this one a few times to get what you were after... well, similar situation... I'd stay with the ill spouse. Hubbs did it for me when I was due to give birth to our 2nd son, hubbs Grandma died, the funeral was out of town. Hubb stayed with me to help me through labor rather than attend the funeral... I was in no condition to travel, I feared giving birth in a moving vehicle... so we stayed put. I'd do it for him too.
Good post- thought provoking.
1. I don't personally care much about Bennifer's wedding, but maybe somebody else does. I just think that celebrity weddings and honeymoons and all that glamourous stuff is a chance to live vicariously. I wouldn't really want their life, but their dresses are pretty, y'know?
2. No, and to tell you the truth, I'm a big stick in the mud about those reality shows. It seems like there isn't anything people won't exploit for money these days. I know that's a little serious of me, but I think marriage should be more fun than the wedding. Seems alot of people think the opposite way and just want to throw a big party.
3. To me, marriage means creating a life with a certain person. It means in some ways, leaving your current life behind, but if you choose wisely, you won't regret the decision. I also heard this truism somewhere- not very many things in this world can make you happier than the right spouse. Also, not much can make you more miserable than the wrong one!
4. I would have stayed with the spouse. Funerals are just for the living. I've been to a few. But I wouldn't miss out on someone else's life just to be at a funeral. I don't think the dead person will mind. ;0)
1. no. i think it's a ruse, and i think they got married. or, that the whole relationship was a ruse to start. gross. media hype is gross.
2. no. i'm so disgusted with this reality tv crap where people basically prostitute themselves on national tv in order to win money or prizes. what's happened to privacy and decency? who wants their wedding sponsored by 2,000 flushes on the home and happiness channel?
3. marriage to me is a mystery, and i don't think i'll ever get to solve it. i don't think i'll get married, for a myriad of reasons. but no more than one cat at a time. i'm not that much of a basket case. (and, bear in mind, my role model is kate hepburn, who remainned very unmarried for 65 years)
4. resolving rifts and hurts is always the best way to go. life is just too damn short.
Very sensitive subject for me, marriage. To answer your questions:
1. Not in the least
2. I suppose I would; I don't see why not.
3. A tough one; I've seen so many unhappy ones... I think it means making a commitment with someone you love to live and work at life together. You're asking this person to share their live with you, and vice versa. It's someone to weather the storms and share in the joys with.
4. The Mom has already passed and the husband is still alive...maybe soon to die himself. Honor the dead, but stick with the living. I like to think I would've gone to my mother's funeral, but if the husband needed me and was very ill, I most likely would not leave his side.
Good questions T-bone. The kind everyone should pose to themselves now and again. One should always be re-evaluating themselves.
1. I don't care. I don't care about anyone who happens to care, either. ;)
2. No, I wouldn't. While marriage can be fun and challenging, it is hardly a game. I just think shows like this belittle the institution, just as people who throw the word 'love' around belittle that emotion.
3. Marriage is a complicated arrangement that can't really be summarized in a weblog comment. There are many facets, and I hate to touch on only the ones that jump into my mind at this moment. I do think there is a whole lotta love, and more importantly, acceptance. You are agreeing to take the good with the bad, and try to weather through no matter what might happen. I think marriage is loving someone unconditionally, in spite of any faults you or the other may have.
4. I would always remain with my spouse in a time of need for her. In fact, I have been trying to think of a situation that would override this, and I am unable to.
Oh T-Bone. I love this question and answer stuff! Gives us structure! Sooo. here's what I think:
1. No, I honestly don't care. Except the evil side of me is glad that it all blew up. Mean, I know.
2. No, I wouldn't do anything that made a mockery of what my husband and I feel for each other. Now, if we're talking about entering a honeymoon contest where you just filled out a slip of paper, well then sure, I'd have done that.
3. Marriage means that I am married to the most amazing person that i have ever met in my entire life, and that I have committed that I will be his best friend for the rest of our lives. It means hard work, but tremendous rewards.
4. I would have stayed with my husband. If my mom was gone, she wouldn't need me anymore, and I could respect her memory anytime, anyplace. I made a commitment to be there for my spouse, and that's what I'd do.
1. Ben and Jennifer who? Who cares?
2. Maybe, could be fun and to see how your partner reacts to situations.
3. technically marriage is a legal commitment between two parties, I know what you're getting at though. There must be an emotional attachment (call it love) and a shared life interest. My wife and I have very little in common as far as hobbies, even music, definitely not movies yet somehow we get along regardless of the kids. The only thing we ever argue about is money. I make it, she spends it faster than I make it (need to upgrade my printing press).
4. tough one, do you leave your spouse who may pass any minute to go to a persons funeral? If the odds of my wife dying are high, I would stay with my wife. Otherwise my wife would understand if I went to my mothers funeral.
1. No, except for the fact that J-Lo may or may not be on the market, and if she's not I won't have a chance.
2. No, the wedding of my dreams would be attended by thrity people, but in reality the wedding would be whatever the bride would want, and more than likely I will defer all decisions to her. If she wanted to be on tv, she wouldnt be my bride.
3. I don't know what it means and therefore have never thought about it very long except for these last five minutes, and I was always under the impression that marriage would be a lifetime commitment to a woman that you unconditonally love. Now, how naive that is, I don't know, but why would you marry somebody for any other reason than unconditional love?
4. I would stay with my spouse no matter what terms I am on with my mother or father. It also depends on the degree of sickness my significant other is in. Is she terminal, does she have hours to live, days, weeks? It all comes into consideration. The grandmother stayed in the hospital although the grandfather has been there for quite sometime, which would make me second guess myself, which ultimately would not sit well with me. Theres alot of other factors like, who's handling the arrangements and so on. Its a tough predicament, but if my wife is very sick, in the hospital then you have to stay with her.
1) I could care less about the stars and their multiplemultiple relationships. They hardly ever last, there are fights, and these folks are who our kids look up to. I hate it.
2)I might use my engagement for a prize. But I wouldnt be on a television show. Maybe if a bunch of engaged couples had to dance the longest around a new car, and the last couple standing won the car, I would do that.
3)Marriage to me is a committment with the person I exchanged vows. Ok, I've been married twice. The first time it was a "wedding", this time its a "marriage". It means friendship, trust and love. Not always in that order. Freedom to choose our own interests, jobs and friends, but dont keep the spouse out of the circle. Be honest and the only surprizes should come neatly wrapped in a box.
4) I dont know what I would do. Right now, I think I would go visit my dying mother and then get right back to my husband. My mother wouldnt want all the fuss. She and I are close enough for her to understand that I need to be by my spouse. Her spouse would be by her side. (He's 10 years younger.) But I might have a totally different answer tomorrow.
Sigh. I want all of you to wear hawaiian shirts to my funeral and play Jimmy Buffett. And please, invite all the cops who ever wrote me a ticket. I'll be cremated and wish my ashes to be placed in a duck decoy and sat on the mantle. And please give all my worldly goods to the Cystic Fibrosis foundation. But in the meantime, I just need to find a really great paying job. One that will let me blog on their time, take two hour lunches, wear sandles and shorts, and they must have really large coffee pots.
suck it up! you said I DO...and you did. Everyone wonders what color the grass is on the other side. I dont know if I will ever get married again (unless kids are involved) Yes you will always have to take the garbage out. Oh and the grass is the same damn color.
You always strike a chord.
1) Their whole deal seems staged. Why this makes national/international news is a mystery to me. (But like someone else said about J.Lo -- if this means Ben's on the market... Hmmmm... that's a thought. 'Cuz of course I'd have a chance! Schyeah!)
2) Nope, have been carefully avoiding marriage my entire adult life -- not feeling ready for the commitment. Now that it seems like I could *go there* --> there's no way I'd do a public wedding. Small, fam + friends in the mountains or in a quiet vineyard or by the ocean is more like it.
3) Cliff Notes version sounds much like vows I'd take: Honor, Love and respect this person for richer or poorer, in good times or bad, in sickness and in health. To Love and to be loved unconditionally, all the days of my life (our lives).
I know -- that's not really original -- but too many people just don't put their spouses as #1 with children a close #2, holding their marriage as sacred.
In case you're thinking this already --> you're right I have very idealistic (but realistic) views of marriage. I could have married, but would rather not be married, if that meant marrying the wrong person or for the wrong reasons.
4) Spouse all the way... I'd deal with my family's drama later. :)
1. Unfortunately yes - there are people out there who care about Bennifer. Fortunately I am not one of them.
2. No - my engagement is not fodder for American entertainment. The idea of a marriage-related prize cheapens the point of being engaged (the threshhold of a lifelong commitment) and turns the engagment into something it shouldn't be.... a requisite for playing a game.
3. Marriage means sharing your life with someone. It means finding that special person you don't mind compromising for. It means patience. Marriage is a lifelong slumber party.
4. I'd stay beside my husband.