TEN WAYS TO TELL YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO TEXAS*
1. You can’t remember the last time you could breathe out of both nostrils at once.
2. On a clear day, you enjoy the clear blue sky overhead and the brownish haze on the horizon. That is, if your eyes aren’t too puffy and swollen from the pollution.
3. Every sentence you speak is punctuated by a bone-rattling sneeze.
4. It’s so hot outside that your skin is tougher than leather.
5. Your right foot goes numb when you merely think about rush-hour traffic.
6. No state income tax here, but you get the shakes when you realize that property and sales taxes more than make up for it. That and it costs about $40 to get your car’s annual inspection.
7. You can’t listen to country music for more than 10 minutes at a time.
8. Oklahoma starts looking like a good place to live.
9. You go deaf when someone starts talking in a Texas drawl.
10. You get an itchy rash when football season starts.
*”Texas” in this case refers to Metropolitan Texas. Small Texas towns are hypoallergenic and so far not shown to cause the heebeegeebees in mice.
TEN REDEEMING THINGS ABOUT TEXAS
1. Wide open spaces.
2. If you don’t like the scenery, drive for a few hours in any direction. Texas has it all.
3. If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes (except in the summer, when it’s hot 24 hours a day).
4. Rush-hour traffic in Dallas or Austin can prepare you for the Indy 500.
5. Rush-hour traffic in Houston can prepare you for ANY driving situation.
6. There is only one natural lake in the state, but there are a bagillion manmade swimmin’ holes that offer serene havens for nature and recreation.
7. All the world’s nationalities are represented by people, languages, communities and restaurants somewhere in Texas.
8. Texans are resilient. (See also 1900 Galveston Hurricane or any town ravaged by a tornado).
9. Texas is home to many world-class-company headquarters.
10. It’s not just a state, it’s a state of mind. There’s nowhere else quite like it.
