Man, I’m finally someone’s Internet crush, but it’s a guy. Well, at least he’s funny, intelligent and hot. Sadly, I think he was only kidding, too. I get nothing!
Don’t fret, ladies. There’s plenty of T-Bone to go around. Here you’ll find a 24-hour buffet of useless information and juvenile humor. Eat up. Enjoy.
PICKUP LINES
I started out writing about how silly it is to own a large pickup truck in the city, but then I thought “Everybody writes things like that.” You know, there’s nothing wrong with trucks per se, it’s mostly the way such behemoths are driven haphazardly with little regard for pedestrian traffic or endangered wildlife.
That said, there are some reasons to laugh at the blatant machismo (or in the female case, feminismo) that is truck ownership:
1. Pickups are funny looking. They’ve got squatty fronts and long, low butts. Kind of like my great-Aunt Jean without the homemade muffins.
2. Some owners worship the makers of their trucks with great big “Ford” or “Chevy” or “Dodge” stickers. And how about the kid peeing on the logos of competing manufacturers? Really, American-made trucks are all pretty much the same. Yes, they are (except for the Chevy Avalanche, which is uglier than a mud fence). If I had my pick, it would be a Toyota Tundra. Blasphemy but true.
3. It’s even funnier when owners subtract from the utility of their trucks by lowering them. That is customization gone awry! Watch out for puddles, Gomer!
4. I guess the opposite is raising a truck higher with beefier suspension and crush-’em tires. Those guys thought finding a girlfriend was tough before, try asking a woman to climb up into the cab wearing heels and a skirt! Call the fire department to get her down!
5. Now that gun racks are no longer legal here, huntin’ truck owners stick their umbrellas in them. Hilarious!
Of course, just to be fair, there are a few times I’ve wanted a pickup truck:
1. Seven years ago when the unmarried & unattached T-Bone was trying to impress a hot cowgirl. I was driving an old red BMW sedan, which is so NOT Country Western.
2. Anytime I have moved, or helped someone else move.
3. When the cows are hungry or the hay needs bailing.
4. So I can invite some buddies over to stand in my driveway, lean against it, drink cheap beer and tell stories about hunting and fishing (much like the freaks across the street).
5. When we were in Tulsa visiting my in-laws and it snowed for days. Wanted to haul some real snow back to Texas so the neighborhood kiddos could see what it looked like.
6. After we’ve been frolicking on the beach or camping somewhere and our shoes/clothes/tent/etc. are all smelly and gross. Would be nice to have a place to put those things OUTSIDE our vehicle to dry out. Stinky!
7. Those times we’ve bought furniture or major appliances and had to have them delivered because they wouldn’t fit in our little SUV.
8. Countless trips to our favorite home-improvement stores and the items we need (or I want) won’t fit in the SUV, either.
9. So I won’t look as dumb wearing cowboy boots. I said “as” dumb.
10. Most big trucks won’t fit into the garage, so if I had one we can finally devote half of it to our growing collection of World War II aircraft and Cabbage Patch dolls.
Never owned a pickup truck, but chances are I’ll be getting one very soon (more on this little nugget later). I promise I’ll use it responsibly. I’ll park it at a honky tonk at least once a month and keep a fresh supply of hay to stick in the sure-to-grow gap between my teeth. Yee haw! Or Yahoo! Er, Google!
It won’t be so bad. You know, there are tons of songs written about trucks, but not that many written about Honda Civics. So I’ll try to embrace my quadcab fate with glee. And I’ll take that bite of a reality sandwich with a side order of machismo, please.
Keep on truckin’!
And remember, kids, feminismo is the word of the day.
