I wrote a love letter to an old pair of running shoes, but in the end it was just weird. Maybe I’ll post it when I’m low on time or words.
However, in addition rather than response to a brilliantly true commentary by this guy, I’ll add my twisted two cents to the whole “Why Men Suck” dialogue. We do suck, but there is hope for you ladies seeking worthwhile male companionship.
THE SINGLE WOMAN’S 12-STEP GUIDE TO FINDING A GOOD MAN™
1. Moderation is the key to just about everything, except his love for you. He should be addicted to you without being obsessive. Don’t settle for less.
2. Sensitive men care about what you think. Overly sensitive men care about only what their mommies think. Unsensitive men don’t care about anything but themselves. See No. 1.
3. Never trust a man who has had more than 20 serious relationships. Also, never trust a man who makes sweeping generalizations and is willing to list specific numbers. See No. 1.
4. Never use sex as a weapon. It is not a toy. That means not too much and not too little. Must be the right amount, frequency and quality. You may think it is not important, but it is. You also may think it is too important, but it’s not. A healthy romantic relationship requires sex. Period. See No. 1.
5. Don’t be interested in his past. Don’t talk about yours. Your pasts have made you who you are, and that’s enough.
6. When looking for a serious boyfriend (or possibly a husband), make sure your intended is your best friend. Doesn’t necessarily have to happen before you fall in love, but it has to happen before you are committed. The alternative is an eventual, disastrous breakup. Again.
7. Never pursue someone seriously if the allure is created by looks, strength or money. Just as they do for you ladies, all fade over time and sometimes disappear. Then you’re left alone with a jerk.
8. Don’t look for lasting love in a bar. If it finds you there, great; let it come to you. If you look up the word “disappointment” in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of an empty beer mug (or other vessel for alcoholic beverage).
9. Dating, like paying rent, is not a waste. It helps you find out what you want before you are ready to settle down. When the time is right, and you’ve found the right investment, start making mortgage payments on a joyful life. In the meantime, go out and have some fun! Go out. Kiss. Have sex (safely, children). Listen to loud music. Play the field. But always be true to yourself. Don’t play games. Be honest with everyone – especially yourself – that you’re not looking to buy just yet.
10. Don’t be afraid of being single. Embrace it as a time to do whatever you want. A committed relationship will force you to give a little of that up, although you will gladly do it with the right guy. You are woman! Let them hear you roar! See No. 9 if you get bored. But don’t be afraid of being single forever, if that’s the road you choose. You don’t need a man to be a complete woman.
11. It’s easy to say “all the good ones are taken.” However, that comment really only refers to the “good ones” you know about. Also, and I’ll say this carefully: to find a good man, you’ve got to be a good woman. Finding it hard to find a good man doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not a good one, though. You’re just in the wrong places at the wrong times. See No. 8.
12. Relax. Be yourself. It takes two people to play a game. Don’t let it come to that. See Nos. 4 and 10 (heck, just reread all of them). Don't settle. A good man would never settle.
Which brings us to this ...
FOR THE GUYS™
These are a few ways to be a good man who is worthy of a good woman:
1. Give her the respect she deserves. Not more. Not less.
2. Don’t ever compare your woman to anyone else in any way. Ever.
3. Important: talk to her. More important: shut up and listen.
4. If you keep secrets, make sure they are about little, stupid things she won’t care about when she finds out about them. And she will find out about them.
5. Don’t be afraid to be single or simply date for fun. Just be true to yourself and the ones you date. See No. 7 below.
6. If you want a good woman, give up some of your toys. If it is something that will burn, rust or rot, it has far less value than a good woman. It’s all about priorities. Juggling is not a viable option. Toys are for kids.
7. Don’t cheat. And furthermore: don’t cheat. If you want a good woman, you owe it to yourself and her to be a one-woman man. If you are playing the field, be honest about that. No stringing along. No lies. Don’t be a jerk.
8. Nobody has ever won an argument. Nobody.
9. Don’t expect oral pleasure if you aren’t willing to pay the piper. Trust me, it is fun and rewarding for all parties involved. This holds true for taking out the garbage and other assorted duties you and your penis are expected to endure. You get to pee standing up, so you get to do a few chores.
10. Don’t be an asshole. You suck, but you don’t have to suck and be an asshole, too. See Nos. 1-9.
DISCLAIMER: The items listed here are the sole opinions of Texas T-Bone and his subsidiaries Texas T-Bone, LLC, Inc., Co., Ltd., as published on texastbone.blogspot.com. No warranty or guaranteed results are implied. Individual results may vary. Money-back offer does not apply to this post. While this was written in seriousness, Texas T-Bone reserves the right to call it satire if you start sending him hate e-mails. THE 12-STEP GUIDE™ and FOR THE GUYS™ are unregistered trademarks, but look more official with that little “TM” behind them. Have a nice day.
