With a nod to The Yeti who inspired the format, not the content.
INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE
I sat down with one of those among us whose very reason for living is eating the blood of the living. An excerpt of the gripping interview transcript follows.
Texas T-Bone: So you’re a vampire.
Vampire: Yeah, but I hate that word. It sounds evil or something. I only suck blood because it makes me feel good. My given name is Anopheles Quadrimaculatus. But my friends just call me Skeeter.
TT: OK, Skeeter. When did your obsession with blood first occur?
V: From birth, really. I was feeling kind of tired, and mom made me some blood soup. Yummy! Hers was the best. Always cheered me up. Every time I fly in from the coast, I make sure to grab a bite. It’s never as good as mom’s, but you do what you have to.
TT: Weird. Do you eat anything else?
V: No.
TT: Are you dating anyone?
V: No, my kind don’t really date. We move from person to person, never really satisfied. I can’t make a commitment to just one, although a few have held my attention for a time. There’s always someone else out there, waiting to be bitten by the love bug.
TT: Sounds lonely, Skeeter. Do you ever feel an emptiness inside?
V: Blood is my life. I need nothing else but the sweet sweet nectar that is plasma to fill me.
TT: Actually, plasma is just the liquid part of blood.
V: Shut up, wise guy! I know what plasma is. How would you like it if I sucked yours?
TT: No thank you. Hmmm. Are you worried about catching a disease like West Nile or malaria?
V: They don’t affect me. I guess I can spread illness if I get some tainted stuff. But really, who am I to care? I’m here for a reason. That reason, my friend, is blood.
TT: Your one-track mind is a little chilling. No hobbies or interests to take your mind off your obsession?
V: Not really. Although I do like the outdoors. Especially crowds. I’ve been fishing before, but I don’t actually fish. I just kind of hover.
TT: I’m afraid I’m out of questions. Anything you’d like to ask me?
V: Why don’t you write about blood on your blog?
TT: You are pretty sick.
V: You know, I am drawn to the skin of your bare arms but I find your odor strangely repellent. What cologne is that?
TT: Deep Woods Off!®
V: Yikes! I thought I recognized it. You smell like ass.
TT: Hey now.
V: Just kidding. Please don’t swat me.
TT: I’m getting itchy. Did you bite me?
V: No, that was my cousin Thelma. She prefers pasty white boys. Says they are too slow to realize she’s biting them.
TT: Nice. I think we’re done here.
V: Good, because I see a fine young thang wearing a tube top, Daisy Dukes and flip-flops. Lots of skin and no chance she can outrun me. She’s mine, all mine. How cute! She’s also got on Avon Skin-So-Soft, probably because she believes the lie about its ability to repel me. Sucker!
TT: Buzz off.
