Let me try this again ...
ACCOMPLISHING NOTHING
There are those among us who collect “stuff” to make themselves happy. There are others who like to do “things” to garner happiness. There is nothing inherently wrong with either one; when stuff and things rule your life, however, it’s time to get some perspective.
Besides, are there that many new frontiers to conquer? Why even try, then? That is, unless you add a new challenge to the tired, time-tried adventures of yesterday. For example:
1. Climb Everest? Been done, lots of times. Try doing it wearing nothing but tube socks and a smile. Your climbing partner, Jack Frost, will nip at much more than your nose. Survive with most of your limbs and appendages intact and that would be a feat!
2. Automobile racing? So what if you won the Indianapolis 500? Or the Daytona 500? Or Le Mans? Puh-lease! There’s a winner at every race. Try racing a 1979 Ford Pinto ... backwards. Not only that, try it in rush-hour traffic in Dallas. You won’t even let off the brakes for more than 30 seconds at a time. If you are the victor, you’ve really won something. Same goes for bicycle racing. The Tour de France would be more of a challenge for Lance Armstrong if he was doing it on a car-filled Central Expressway.
3. The Iditarod? Come on! The sled dogs do all the freakin’ work. Why don’t you tow the dogs around for the duration? They deserve a break today. And you only get Puppy Chow to eat the whole time.
4. Circumnavigating the globe in a small sailboat? Magellan not only beat you, he didn’t have penicillin or GPS. Float around on an inflatable raft with nothing but 12 gallons of water and a volleyball. That would make even Tom Hanks proud.
5. Traveling to the North Pole? First, let me ask: why? Second, who cares? You don’t have to go that far to see some good snow or prove Santa Claus is a fig newton of our imagination. Just visit a Toys ‘R Us in the northeast during the winter.
6. Skydiving? Everyone does it nowadays, even President George Bush Sr. If he can keep down his lunch during a free fall, it’s no longer amazing. Unless you eat WHILE plummeting toward Earth. Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? Same goes for bungee jumping. If you want a more dangerous thrill, ride the Ferris Wheel at that traveling carnival that is setting up in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot. Thrills and spills!
7. Become President of the United States? Welcome to the club, man! I was President for a few days last September (that’s the last time I go to Crawford, Texas when the Prez is back at the ranch). If you think you’ve eaten at the buffet that is the American Political Process, you’re wrong. Real politics is local, baby! I’d like to see you win a spot on the city council or school board. That’s where the real mud is, and the real power. Leader of the Free World? Whuh-tevah! Just you tell me where they’ll put the septic tank after expanding the library. Then, what are you going to do about the new band uniforms?
8. Competed in the Olympics? For what? You can buy slightly used gold medals on e-Bay. And if I cared about getting my face on a Wheaties® box, I would have done more push-ups in elementary school. Love to see how you’ll work that silver medal for ice dancing into your resumé or polite daily conversation. Bragging rights at parties does not a worthwhile lifelong training endeavor make. Nice triple lutz, fancy pants.
9. Around the world in a hot-air balloon? Come on! How interesting is that? I mean, unless you bring back some Munchkins and ruby slippers, what does it prove? Do it with an ex-spouse, however, and you’ve truly gone the distance. Television can take you places without leaving you dehydrated and homesick. And you won’t have to crash-land in the middle of an African village, either. Or discuss the finer points of balancing a checkbook for the 100th time.
10. Built a capitalistic empire worth ga-billions only to jeopardize the entire enterprise with an insider trading mistake worth a paltry quarter of a million dollars? Hello! Do you have doilies on the brain? Maybe too many flower arrangements have clouded your business sense! Martha, I bet you never knew your “Good Things” would come in handy while doing laundry in federal prison (baking soda and vinegar gets out blood stains after Large Marge tries to stick you). Were you bored counting the mountains of money you already have? Origami not doing it for you anymore?
Yes, one thing that separates Mankind from the rest of life on Earth is our ambition (and the need for toilet paper). We have the drive to strive. It’s a worthwhile trait, as long as you don’t hang your very existence on these trivial things. It’s not what you’ve done or what you have that makes you who you are. Or maybe it is. Lonely at the shallow end, ain’t it?
Call me when you’ve figured out how to clip enough coupons to save $25 on groceries you normally buy. That would be one for the record books!
