//T-BONE’S FRIDAY FIVE aka THE STUPID NEWS ROUNDUP//
From staff and wire reports.
1. Archaeologists have uncovered the remains of six humans near the mystic Stonehenge structure in Amesbury, England, 75 miles southwest of London. The bodies appear to be of four adults and two children, and early tests suggest the group lived around 2300 B.C. So far, careful analysis by lead scientist Hanna Barbara indicates the remains are of Fred and Wilma Flintstone and their daughter Pebbles, and Barney and Betty Rubble and their son Bam-Bam. Prehistoric car parts, including a stone-roller wheel, were found near the site, as was a mysterious pet collar with the inscription “Dino” on it.
2. Ruben Studdard was crowned the newest “American Idol” after a two-hour season finale Wednesday. Clay “I loves me some North Carolina bacon” Aiken, runner-up in the hit pop singer-search contest, was awarded the title of Miss Congeniality. After a whirlwind multi-city tour featuring the Top 10 finalists in this season’s competition, Studdard will release an album, launch his clothing line emblazoned with Alabama’s “205” area code, and co-star with Aiken in a remake of the Jack Lemmon/Tony Curtis classic “Some Like It Hot.” Anna Nicole-Smith is likely to reprise Marilyn Monroe’s role in the film.
3. In other Reality TV news, the eighth season of Survivor slated for early 2004 will feature favorite castaways from past Survivor seasons. It will also combine players from The Real World, Road Rules, Big Brother, The Amazing Race, The Mole, The Surreal World, Temptation Island, The Bachelor, Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, Joe Millionaire, Extreme Makeover, Fear Factor, Shipmates, Blind Date and Mr. Personality. Sleaze-show host Jerry Springer will moderate this slice of television history. Viewers of this show may experience permanent blindness, problematic brain flatulence or the occasional spontaneously combusting TV set. You’ve been warned. My eyes! My eyes! Aaaaaagh!
4. After two Utah death-row inmates were given the choice of listening to the Osmond’s Greatest Hits for the rest of their lives or facing death by firing squad, both chose the latter. All 32 of the two inmates’ wives are petitioning the governor for an appeal of the sentence.
5. An explosion that rocked an empty classroom at Yale University’s law school on Wednesday is being blamed on a low-tech pipe bomb. No group has claimed responsibility for the shenanigans, but evidence at the scene suggests possible suspects. A partially burned sweatshirt was found, and a word or name on it is visible. Confidential sources nowhere near the investigation tell Texas T-Bone that the letters are H,A,R,V,A,R,D,L,A,W. Police are stumped as to what it all means.
This is Texas T-Bone signing off from Fort Worth, Texas. Have a rip-roaring weekend! All you suckers who have Monday off, remember the men and women who died fighting for freedom in our country. Say a prayer, light a candle, fly your American flags, get toasted, be safe. And remember me, because I’ve got to work! Bummer!
