//A SISTER’S FIRST MARRIAGE//
WARNING: SARCASM AHEAD. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
My sister is getting married on Saturday afternoon. My wife is the Matron of Honor and me, the bride’s only sibling, well, I’m a lowly usher. This really doesn’t bother me; I’m not a fan of weddings. Sure, they’re necessary for marriage and all, but eloping is so “hot” right now. And then a few dozen people would be spared from wearing itchy clothes on a Saturday!
Some background on my sister: stubborn as a mule set in concrete, never lived anywhere else but our parents’ house, been engaged on two occasions, has a penchant for (my dad’s words) hooking up with under-educated mama’s boys, has a natural blonde streak in her otherwise brown hair that she’s always had, recovering bulimic, fired from her first job for stealing from her boss, was a waitress for a few years, has one son conceived from an ill-conceived date with fellow member of the wait staff, is in-and-out of college pursuing a degree in American Sign Language, works as a teacher at a religious elementary school, doesn’t realize that my parents won’t let her steal their food after she gets married, and she’s got a black cat with yellow eyes named Zorro who likes to leave pee and poop in a sweeping “Z” pattern.
All in all, I still love her, despite the dripping-with-snarkiness commentary above. She is a good mother and a caring person. Generally speaking. I’ll wait to dissect the groom until the next time he does something dumb, so expect a post tomorrow. Just kidding! Hey, I’m allowed to spew a little vinegar every now and then! I’m sure it will be Wednesday before the groom does something dumb.
Anyway, we haven’t bought our gift yet for the happy couple. Here’s a few things we are considering for the important purchase:
1. “Martha Stewart’s Illustrated Guide to Decorating with Empty Liquor Bottles, 3-D Puzzles and Balls of Aluminum Foil” book.
2. A toaster. Because marriage is all about browned bread.
3. A talking toilet-paper dispenser that quotes Aristotle, Plato and Oscar the Grouch. What better way to learn about life than from three of history’s greatest philosophers?
4. A mini carpet steamer. Zorro happens. And so do 4-year-old nephews.
5. “The Martial Art of Feng-Shui” by Jackie Chan.
6. “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” by Paul Simon.
7. The Game of “Life” for practice.
8. Box of extra-small condoms. *snicker*
9. One-way tickets to somewhere the groom’s mother won’t find them.
10. A clue.
I wish them the best. No, really, I do. I’m NOT going to do this again. And if you knew the whole story, you’d understand.
