*** We interrupt this post to say .. thanks! Thanks for reading my blog! Thanks for being such great people! Thanks for having such interesting blogs yourselves! Group hug! OK, back to the nonsense.
//STUPID NEWS ROUNDUP – THE NEW FRIDAY FIVE//
1. The rumor that Microsoft was developing an Internet-equipped portable toilet for festival and concert venues was revealed first as a hoax, then as a real project that had been flushed. Apparently, the blokes at the British division have a great sense of humor or simply can’t make up their minds. Either way, we should have known because nobody wants to have Windows in the can!
In related news, Apple was working on a competitor, the iPotty, which promised to work faster, have a larger capacity and be less prone to crashes. But it required special toilet paper to use it. Also, Palm already had the PalmPooper in development, but the demand for such a thing never surfaced.
2. On Tuesday, in protest of a Republican measure that would redraw voting districts, Democrats in the Texas Legislature decided to take a road trip from the capital city of Austin to the border town of Ardmore, Okla. This would render the Dems legally out of reach from Texas state troopers. Plus, the Dems were that much closer to Choctaw Indian Bingo. They were expected to return Friday after the bill died on the floor of the statehouse. D-9! D-9!
3. Despite Keanu Reeves’ lack of acting ability, “The Matrix: Reloaded” is expected to be a top-grossing film of the Summer 2003 blockbuster season. The plot centers on an old, dot-matrix printer that experiences an unfortunate paper jam. Paper is refed onto the printing roller. Then, Reeves drives his Toyota Matrix to Wal-Mart to buy another printer ribbon. Hype, violence and special effects ensue.
4. Annika Sorenstam, the top female golfer in the WPGA, will make history next week when she walks onto the green at the Colonial Golf Tourney (right here in Texas). She will be the first woman to play in a tournament of the traditionally all-male PGA.
A famous PGA golfer was overheard saying, “First the coloreds, and now this.” Another golfer whose name sort of rhymes with Zyger Moods, overhearing this, beat that guy into a bloody pulp with his 9 iron and then drove away in his Buick Park Avenue®. Moods released a statement later in the day that said, “Let the beeyatch play. She’s got the golf bling-bling. I love white girls! Peace.”
5. NASA is shifting its focus from the beleaguered shuttle program to the search for intelligent life. Spokesman Nerf Twinklesky said the project might take years to complete. “We’re not sure where to start looking, really,” he said. “But we know it’s out there somewhere.” NASA’s first target will be planet Earth, but many scientists doubt the search will yield anything of value.
***And on an even lighter note:
//THE QUOTABLE T-BONE//
Dumb things I said around the office this week:
1. Nobody wins in a peeing contest because after it’s all over, the ground is covered in pee.
2. Slap another layer on the bean dip and let’s call it a day!
(in reference to the fact my company is making our jobs harder by adding more red tape).
3. You can’t argue with gravity. It always wins.
Have a pleasant and safe weekend! I will be eating wedding cake and trying to refrain from saying something ugly to my sister’s new in-laws. Violence and special effects may ensue. Or at least beer and corny knock-knock jokes. See you on the other side!
