//AN OPEN LETTER TO E-MAIL SOLICITORS//
Dear Sir, Madam or Automated System:
Frankly, I long for the days of door-to-door salesmen. Then at least I could slam my door in your faces. That would be more satisfying than merely deleting your e-mails from my junk-mail folder. There were 64 messages in there this morning. I’m sick of it. You must be stopped!
Here’s a response to your queries:
1. I have insurance. Thank you for trying to scam me into buying more.
2. I don’t need a new cell phone.
3. I don’t need 200 channels on the TV.
4. Under no circumstances do I want to grow my breasts quickly or safely.
5. No, I don’t want to save the rain forests with my gigantic fire hose. My penis is just fine like it is. No complaints thus far. Get out of my pants, please.
6. Weren’t you listening? I don’t need Viagra. Contact me again in 30 or 40 years.
7. I’m not tired. Don’t need your miracle drug to feel perky.
8. Don’t want to look at naked photos of your skanky sister.
9. Especially don’t want to watch your skanky sister get busy with farm animals. Am I the only one who has serious issues with this? Call the SPCA!
7. Don’t care about getting rich quick. Went to college so I could get poor more slowly.
8. I never entered your contest to win $50,000, a plasma TV, or a Kia Rio.
9. I’m not in the market for oceanfront property in Montana.
10. Don’t care who from my high school class has listed their names on your dumb site. Don’t care about the reunion, either. I barely attended my classes.
11. Nope. I’m not looking for singles in my area. Stop saying “hi” in the subject line just to get me to open it up. Not gonna work.
12. Don’t want to copy DVDs, own the world’s smallest pen camera or earn hundreds a week from home.
If I failed to mention any of your wacky schemes, I apologize. I’ve devised a plan guaranteed to let you know how I feel. Next junk message I get will be responded to automatically by my computer ... 3,000 times. That should more than fill up your inbox. If you don’t get the point then, feel free to knock on my door.
Sincerely,
Texas T-Bone
P.S. You can try calling me, but we’ve invested in a great service called Privacy Manager. It screens unknown calls for us. If you slip by that system, my failsafe program is called H.U.O.Y.D.B. (Hang Up On Your Dumb Butt). I am not going to be polite enough to listen to your entire sales pitch anymore. You call me during dinner? During my favorite TV show? While I’m sleeping? Playing with the Cutlet? Doing fun marital things with W.O.T.? Prepare yourself for my wrath. Coming soon ... a phone retaliation program that will dial your number automatically ... 3,000 times.
