April 2003 Archives

//I’M THE PIED PIPER// Went

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//I’M THE PIED PIPER//

Went jogging this morning and it happened again. Don’t know why, really. I must have a certain odor.

Two well-cared-for-yet-stray dogs started to happily follow me, and continued to do so until I was two blocks from home. Thankfully, someone’s curbside trash-day treasure distracted them long enough for me to escape.

I like dogs. I have two of them. But why do most dogs LOVE me? Thought it was because they pick up my dogs’ scents, but
some incidents predate my doggy ownership.

The following is a breakdown of memorable occurrences in my Doggy Pied Piper life. It does not include dogs that followed me for short distance and then gave up or got distracted. Those stories are too numerous (and cumbersomely boring) to mention. The highlights:

1. After a tough semester in college, I took a needed solo trip to the Texas coast. I walked on the beach one afternoon and happened across a hot chick playing with her dog in the surf (Wet T-shirt moment!). She smiled at me and said “Nice dogs.” I turned around and saw two strays following me. Their footprints stretched as far as I could see, so they must have been tailing me awhile. Coincidence?

Took a walk the next day, came across the same woman with her dog, and guess what? My tagalong pals were right behind me again. Must have been something about me, because I passed a lot of families on my sandy trek who should have distracted the salty mutts. But no!

2. First apartment out of college I got myself a beagle (“Jigsaw”). A stray happened upon me and Jigsaw romping one evening and decided to join in. Part of the attraction, I’m sure, was Jigsaw’s presence. We all played together several nights in a row.

One day, “Bermuda” (so named because our trio formed a triangle), followed me during a long bicycle ride and all the way back to the apartment. Freaky dog! A couple three units down eventually adopted her and gave her a new leash on life.

3. I was riding my bicycle through the neighborhood around our rented house. A big black dog followed me all the way home, so I led him into our back yard. Called the number on his ID tag, and a young couple came to fetch him. They were surprised he had made it all the way to our house. Dogs tend to do that!

4. Was walking in our current neighborhood last year when a dog joined me. She had tags, but wouldn’t let me get close enough to read them. That dog followed me all 3 miles of my normal route, so I corralled her in our garage and managed to get the number off her tag. Argh!

See a pattern here? I’m always out and about when the dogs latch onto me. I bet a lot of it has to do with me being the only human visible at the time. But I swear I must have an odor that only dogs can smell. I even yelled at the pair today in an attempt to ditch them, but no dice!

I’ll never go to a dog show or rescue shelter for fear of being smothered. Though if I could make some extra money as a Pet Detective, I’d consider it. The wife said she thinks dogs can usually sense when a person is friendly.

People can have that same sense at times, thankfully without having to sniff a stranger’s crotch or lick their hands. True, you can’t ALWAYS judge a book by its cover ... but many times you can. So the moral of the story is to be unafraid of showing kindness to strangers, but beware of strays who fall in love with you. And if you have a dog, take it on regular walks! That way it can learn its way home if it ever gets loose.

Either that, or you’ll be getting a phone call from me.

//THE LIFE OF A FASHION

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//THE LIFE OF A FASHION MODEL//

So, I'm tempted to get a part-time job at Wal-Mart just so I can be featured in one of their weekly circulars. Seems like you've either got to work there or be related to someone who does to "break in" to this hotbed of fashion advertising.

Noticed in the most recent that there were quotes from some of the featured employees. Cindy is so proud of her son for learning responsibility because he's helping raise an orphaned calf on their ranch. By the way, Cindy, nice mumu (or "moo moo" in light of the baby cow adoption).

Well, it is kind of cool I guess. In my office, where I work in advertising for a major department store chain, we've been known to pull some unsuspecting co-workers into the photo studio for a quickie, last-minute pic. Some of my co-workers' children have appeared in ads for picture frames. Some cats and dogs have also made their way in print. While our stores stretch from sea to shining sea, they are unfortunately not in every state.

Not like Retail Giant Wal-Mart (isn't it funny when news media call Wal-Mart a Retail Giant, like we didn't know what it was). Being in a Wal-Mart ad would be maximum exposure for my burgeoning modeling career. But then again I'd feel really exposed at having to admit I work at Wal-Mart.

Maybe I'll just stick to life behind the scenes for now.

//TEXAS T-BONE’S MID-YEAR RESOLUTIONS//

It’s almost May. Do you know where your New Year’s Resolutions are?

The T-Bone is a believer in resolutions as a motivator for self-improvement. However, he was not motivated enough to make any. But it’s not too late! There’s still more than half a year left during which we can all take steps to improve ourselves.

Here’s my list of goals:
1. Get a freakin’ tan on the tops of my feet. I swear, they are so white that satellites can see them from space. Whatever happened to summers of my youth when I had the rugged, tough, tanned feet of Huckleberry Finn?

2. Trim the fat. Instead of Bachelor T-Bone making a quick sandwich and then bicycling for two hours, Relationship T-Bone ate a gourmet meal at that Italian bistro on the corner and sat around being in love. Married T-Bone did much of the same until two years ago, re-introducing the Lard Ass T-Bone to his bicycle, and running four or five times a week. However, the Slimmer Married T-Bone still has some fat to trim, and a jumpstart is in order. More fruits, veggies and lean meats. Less fermented barley-and-hops beverages. More water. More situps. More pushups (remember them?). Free weights. Continued cardio. No excuses.

3. Cutting the clutter. We are actually quite good at this, rebelling against our Pack Rat Parents who never throw anything away. My parents have yet to unpack a few boxes after they bought a new house ... 20 years ago. In our home, the arrival of the Cutlet four months ago brought with it a slew of must-have swings, toys, playpens, strollers, frightening breast-feeding apparati and miscellany too minute to mention. Because of this influx, we will be having another Gigantic Yard Sale in the near future to rid ourselves of items ruled obsolete by our child’s birth. It will be a blogworthy experience, I’m sure.

4. Actually finish a home-improvement project before moving on to another. When you live in an older house, it’s often like trying to build a sandcastle armed only with a Dixie cup and a toothpick. Things are getting out of hand. I’m much happier when focused on one goal; multi-tasking on the homefront also enrages the wife. For example, our formerly two-bathroom house has one crumbling bathroom and another that has only a toilet. I’ve ripped everything else out. But I’m almost at the point where I can put new stuff in. The bathroom is my No. 1 priority because our connected closet, which we are redoing simulteaneously, has exploded all over the guest bedroom. And Mother-in-Law of T-Bone needs a place to sleep next weekend. Go figure.

5. Be a better person. The method to attain goal is left vague on purpose because I don’t know the answers to this. I have ideas about how to do it, ranging from making more friends to shaving more often. But really, life is about the journey; death is about the destination. And I’d much rather my life be considered a “real trip” rather than a “dead end.”

Got any mid-year resolutions?

//MONEY TALKS ...// Direct deposit

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//MONEY TALKS ...//

Direct deposit is evil.

It lulls you into thinking your money is there and you can live happily ever after, paying your bills. La la la. Then you check your account to make sure the money is there and ... poof! Your sense of security is shattered.

Ever since my wife started working part-time from home (since the Cutlet was born), we've had this problem twice. We're more vigilant about checking and balancing our account. But that doesn't help when the dinero is di-missing. And it happened again this month. Grrrrrrrrr. A paperwork snafu means we are broke until Monday, when the payroll lady returns to work.

Here's five questions I have about money:
1. Why do my reality checks always bounce?
2. Why am I so broke I can't pay attention?
3. How can a penny saved be a penny earned? I hate pennies! They are worthless until you turn them into paper money!
4. Why is it when you're a day late and a dollar short, they expect you to cough up a late fee, too?
5. Why on earth did I earn a journalism degree? If you have one, you know how this relates to money.

Yet we're still going to celebrate our anniversary as best we can. I think we're going to the Main Street Arts Festival in downtown Fort Worth, then having a nice dinner somewhere. Thanks to all who commented on my post below. I feel like a rock star!

//HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BABY!// As of

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//HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BABY!//

As of today (Thursday, April 24), the wife and I have been married four years. We’ve known good times and bad, exciting times and the mundane, mountains and valleys. Fear not, for I’m not going to write a mushy mandate about how marriage is a dream come true and everybody should run out and find a mate and a JP right now because there’s no other way to live.

No. Marriage isn’t for everyone. On some days, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be for married people, either. I will say a solid marriage to the right person is like a flowering rose bush: there are thorns, but the beautiful blooms more than make up for them.

To give you single peeps some hope and insight (beyond whatever example your dear parents presented), I have compiled three lists. The first is five great things about marriage. The second is five not-so-great things about marriage. The third list is a sure-fire way for a married person to get into serious trouble. There are many more examples, which you are welcome to share in the comments portion of our program.

THE GOOD
1. Waking up next to someone you love, every day
2. Almost never coming home to an empty house
3. Having a best friend, lover, soulmate, amateur therapist, and confidante all in one
4. Never having to date again
5. Sharing the hills and valleys and everything in between

THE BAD
1. Dealing with someone else’s underwear ... forever
2. Having to plan road trips and vacations around two jobs and a lot more luggage
3. “Sharing” a closet. I’m lucky to have room for one shirt in there
4. Something about toilet seats, but when she talks about it all I hear is “blah blah blah”
5. Loving someone so much it’s scary sometimes

THE UGLY (How to make your spouse mad)
1. Pointing out to your wife/husband all the hot chicks/guys you’d like to bang if you were single
2. Donating his tools to the war effort or giving all her shoes to charity
3. Deciding to rearrange all the furniture in the house while your beloved is out of town
4. Watering all the houseplants with beer (Or “used beer.” Nasty!)
5. Guys: acting too much like guys. Ladies: acting just like your mother or his mother

Four married years does not an expert make. Hey, I was single for 25 years and never got the hang of it entirely. But it’s a learning process that gets better if you embrace the education and put love first. You’ll get a good schoolin’, that’s for sure!

Have a great Thursday, whatever today means to you.

//THIS MODERN LIFE// I’m amazed

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//THIS MODERN LIFE//

I’m amazed at how technology has changed my life. Here I am, sitting at this electronic doodad, typing random thoughts. I can hit a button and ZAP! People all over the world can read it (not that they will, but they could). Makes me pity my grandparents, who were forced to watch TV by candlelight and send e-mails via Pony Express.

Here are a few other ways technology touches me every day:
1. The air conditioning in my house and my car makes life in the hot Texas sunshine more bearable. At least a little.

2. My filing cabinet at work, being so considerate, only lets me open one drawer at a time. That way it is less likely to tip over and smoosh the T-Bone while he’s reaching for his hidden flask in the bottom drawer. Don’t tell anyone!

3. If I adjust the antennas on top of my TV just right, some of the fuzziness in the picture goes away. That’s nifty. I feel like Buck Rogers.

4. When I flush the toilet, whatever I’ve put in there goes away. I miss that pair of sneakers!

5. My kitchen is like a great big McD.L.T. Remember those? McDonald’s stopped making them years ago because the hot side/cold side containers were styrofoam and the Vegan Environmentalists were getting peeved. Anyway, my vintage 1964 oven keeps things cold and my circa 1999 refrigerator keeps things hot. It’s a Bizarro Kitchen! Bummer!

6. That microwave is something else! Not only does it heat anything in a flash – including green plastic army men – but after it’s done it beeps and says “Enjoy your meal” across the little screen. How sweet. Of course, it says that if I’m just heating up water, too. Or a miniature artillery brigade.

7. Two words: solar calculator. Another word: deodorant. Two more words: toilet paper.

8. A few years back I installed a wireless doorbell at Casa Del T-Bone. All I had to do was screw in the button on the outside door frame, then plug in the “bell” part in any electrical outlet. Bing-bong! How Jetsons is that?

9. Telephones have been around for years, and they’re really neat. You can dial a bunch of numbers and a real, live person might answer! Don’t do it in the wee hours, though, because real, live angry people tend to answer. Some of my long-lost friends must not have telephones because they never call. Boo hoo! Maybe some day this exciting technology will touch them, too. I keep hearing about “Sell Phones” that are apparently telephones you can carry around with you. That’s so Star Trek, man.

10. I’ve heard you can use your computer or telephone to order pizza nowadays, too. You contact the pizza place, and a hot steaming pizza comes to you! I haven’t tried it because my e-mail won’t support anything that big and it will crash my computer. Cheese on my hard drive, gross! And the tiny holes on my phone would obliterate that yummy pie! I have enabled cookies on my browser, though, and I’m expecting something special from the Oreo folks in my inbox any day now.

How has cutting-edge technology affected your life?

//FAILED ADVERTISING SLOGANS//

1. Ford Motor Co.: You’ll flip for our Explorers!
2. Ex-Lax: Good to the last plop.
3. Maxwell House Coffee: Have a cup of our jittery goodness!
4. Ballpark Franks: Our hot dogs have more bark than bite.
5. Enron: We have the power to do anything we want.
6. American Airlines: Our employees probably won’t hold a grudge about the whole paycut/layoff thing and forget to do something like fuel the plane or shut the door. We hope. (alternate slogan, also rejected: We’re Insured!)
7. Firestone Service Centers: Oil change, tire rotation and a date with Andrew (of "The Bachelor") for $19.95.
8. Scarves R Us: I’m not going to pay a lot for this muffler.
9. Trojan Condoms: Sex is a little cleaner when you wrap your crusty, disease-infested weiner.
10. Aunt Jemima Pancake Mix: Make your own f***ing breakfast!

//ABBREVIATED SPEECH// I think most

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//ABBREVIATED SPEECH//

I think most of us know the common blog abbreviations: LOL, LMAO, LMFAO, WTF, BTW. If you don’t I’ll let you figure them out for yourself (LOL!).

Here’s an abbreviated list of other abbreviations you may find useful. A warning, though, most people won’t have the foggiest notion of what you’re trying to say. And if you write them and then go back to what you’ve written, chances are you will forget what they mean, too. AITNOC! (all in the name of confusion). LOL!

1. LYB: Love Your Blog. Usually paired as such: LYB, BTW!
2. WFYB: Whatever Floats Your Boat
3. ICYWTSTR: In Case You Were Too Stupid To Realize
4. DRMAYUF: Duh! Read My Archives, You Uninitiated Fool!
5. LMMOOT: Leave My Mother Out Of This
6. BALB: Blog and Let Blog
7. BATWBWYKADAYKIA: Blog And The World Blogs With You; Keep A Diary And You Keep It Alone
8. IASDS: I Am So Darn Sleepy
9. IFLP: I Feel Like Puking
10. MIASH: Man, I Am So Hungover!
11. TCLNR: That Concert Last Night Rocked
12. DYSLNE: Did You See Last Night’s Episode?
13. IHTFT: I Have The Funkiest Tanline!
14. MNRI: My Nipple Really Itches
15. DAKWMBIDT: Does Anyone Know Why My Blog Is Doing This?
16. IHNTS: I Have Nothing To Say
17. MA: Meatloaf again?
18. IACW: I’m A Comment Whore
19. IWTCSIDLMS: I’m Wearing This Cone So I Don’t Lick My Stitches
20. ETB: Et tu, Bruté?

Oh yes, TLGO (the list goes on). Think of any clever ones? You get extra points if the letters spell something related to the phrase it stands for (For example: SPANK = sexual perverts are notoriously kinky).

Don’t let me down. IACW, BTW. LOL!

//TEXAS T-BONE, RENAISSANCE MAN// Yes,

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//TEXAS T-BONE, RENAISSANCE MAN//

Yes, folks, even if I misspelled it, that's what I've been this weekend. Here's why:
1. With superhuman strength, did the last bit of demolition work on our bathroom renovation project. The old shower pan is now represented by millions of tiny shards of concrete. Will explain more about this later.
2. Visited the Fort Worth Museum of Modern Art with the wife and the Cutlet on Saturday. Discovered the Cutlet is apparently not a big fan of abstract art. Will try one of the other fabulous art museums soon to see if we can pin down his favorite style.
3. Did some, um, routine yet veeeery nice marital things that I won't go into here.
4. Inspired somewhat by the museum trip, I began work on my third painting in a series of ANIMAL ART. Though I can't call myself an "artist," I have painted a fine rendition of a giraffe and a zebra, pieces which both hang on the walls of Cutlet's room. We picked a jungle theme for the Nursery of Cutlet, and these complement the style. They are acrylic on canvas, painted during T-Bone's "New Father" years. Part of our permanent collection. Oh, piece No. 3 is of an elephant.
5. Played chef with my trusty Weber kettle grill. Charcoal is the ONLY real way to cook out (in my humble opinion). This was a departure from the usual beef dish on the menu. I cooked some chicken, but mostly did zuccini, summer squash, red and yellow bell pepper, onion and asparagus. Very delicious.

Hope your observation of Easter was at least half as fun!

//T-BONE’S FRIDAY FIVE// If your

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//T-BONE’S FRIDAY FIVE//

If your prurient interests are at full throttle, check out P-Ranch’s Filthy Friday Five. It’s actually the Thursday Five this week, but they won’t mind if you participate today. This is the second week for their adult version of the ubiquitous end-of-week query series. It’s fun stuff. Pants are optional.

I answered the filthy list on that site, rather than copying the questions here. I am attempting to remain uniquely T-Bone. My questions & answers aren’t nearly as interesting, but you’ll be hard-pressed to find them anywhere but here. That counts for something, right?

1. What color are your favorite pants?
Gray. No, brown. Wait. Black. No. Denim shorts. Do shorts count as pants here?
2. Shut up, I’m asking the questions. Now then. If you were a rainbow, what would be at your end?
A bowl of Lucky Charms, some milk, and the winning Lotto numbers. But no spoon. Go figure.
3. Who was your favorite Smurf?
Smurfette. Duh!
4. If you were a beer, where would you like to be consumed, and by whom?
At a party populated by close, longtime friends. By any woman there, because women who drink beer are totally hot (unless they drink a lot of beer; then they start to look like my Uncle Bill). Did I mention I was a longneck? That one’s for the laaaaadies. (Not a REDNECK, I said LONGNECK.)
5. Name three states that start with “M”.
Melancholy, motivated and melodramatic. Oh, you were thinking U.S. states? Montana, Massachusetts and Mississippi. Malabama is NOT a state (only a state of mind).

Great weekend to all. See you on the other side!

//T-BONE’S EVIL TWIN// I have

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//T-BONE’S EVIL TWIN//

I have a doppelganger out there ... someone who some say looks a lot like me. He’s apparently a famous actor of stage and screen. Maybe you’ve heard of him?

Matthew Broderick.

Now, get this straight: I don’t look like Matthew Broderick. There may be some physical traits we have in common, but those things are likewise shared with half the free world. Maybe there’s a slight resemblance if I am standing 50 yards away and you are squinting at me in the sun. But for whatever reason ...

Way back in high school, more than one person told me I looked like Matthew Broderick. I was hoping they meant the Ferris Bueller Matthew Broderick, not the War Games Matthew Broderick (W.O.T. looks NOTHING like Ally Sheedy. I promise you that! *shivers!*).

Told my mom about the reference and she said she could see a little bit of that, though I was “much better looking than Matthew Broderick.” Moms are cool, despite some obvious bias.

While in college, I was in Nashville for a journalism conference. Was kicking it in the hotel lobby between seminars when a dude comes up to me and says, “I liked that movie you were in ... what was it? Oh yeah, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” I was sure he was joking, but here was a perfect stranger telling me what I’d heard before. I told him I got that a lot, and he said the resemblance was uncanny. Whutevah, dude.

Here are the major differences between T-Bone and Mr. Broderick:
1. While I’ve had sex in the city, I’ve never been married to Sarah Jessica Parker
2. I have never been in a big-budget movie, nor have I performed on Broadway
3. I AM better looking than the actual Matthew Broderick, and my hair and eyes are both a lighter shade of brown than his
4. Thanks to my Scottish heritage, I’ve got more freckles (not so much on my face anymore, but I’ve got small ones on my elbows and knees)
5. My name doesn’t even rhyme with Matthew Broderick. Not even close
6. My wife and I have a son; Mr. Broderick and his wife have a daughter
7. Those royalty checks don’t come to me when Brighton Beach Memoirs is shown on those high-on-the-dial TV stations on Saturday afternoons
8. I’m never invited to The Emmy Awards because my wife does not star in an award-winning series on HBO (soon to be canceled. how sad)
9. Would I live in Texas if I was Matthew Broderick?
10. Would I have a blog called “Texas T-Bone” if I was Matthew Broderick?

Don’t get confused with him much anymore. Maybe because the Inspector Gadget Matthew Broderick, Election Matthew Broderick or Disney-remake-of-the-Music Man Matthew Broderick look even less like me. We’ve diverged a bit over time.

Had this additional thought: if Cher had a twin sister, would they be introduced as “Cher and Cher-alike?” Never mind.

//RECENT REALIZATIONS// 1. Things I

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//RECENT REALIZATIONS//

1. Things I learned only after getting married would have made me a much better boyfriend.
2. You only drop your sandwich when it’s made from your last two pieces of bread.
3. Worrying less about grammar and spelling allows you more room to write something interesting.
4. I may be almost 30, but I’ve still got it.*
5. Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Puke, and you puke alone.
6. The further distance you must travel to your car, the harder it rains.
7. Texas has redeeming qualities that take years to realize.
8. No delectable dessert can rival the sweet smile of a child, especially your own child’s.
9. The danger of blogging in list form is that you always strive for an even number of items despite being out of ideas at No. 8.
10. People may not be the same wherever you go, but wherever you go there are people. Or people have been there.

*Yes, I am Studly Do-right. While young ladies swoon over my stunning good looks, I am ever faithful to W.O.T. The sight of my wedding band makes some of my groupies cry in despair. But don’t worry, fine young thangs, it’s all good if you look but don’t touch. See you in your dreams!

//ONLY IF YOU PROMISE NOT

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//ONLY IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO STALK ME//

OK, there is a picture of me on the Internet (and I don’t mean the still shot from that unfortunate porn movie I made in college to buy my economics textbook).

The image is very small, but that’s my studly self reflected in the mirror of my antique wardrobe in our bedroom.

The unfortunate thing I did was submit it using my real name. Promise you won’t stalk me, and then click on this link. If the link doesn’t work (and why would it?), then go to www.pictureyourself.org and click on #909.

I plan to submit bigger, better photos of myself, ones in which you can actually see the T-Bone. I am further inspired by Punkin’s recent display of her oh so Sassy Self. Thanks, hon.

This should satisfy some of you about my actual existance. I’m not some computer-generated figment of blogmenation. After all, if I was computer-generated, I’d be much much funnier.

//A QUESTION ...// Why blog?

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//A QUESTION ...//

Why blog?

While you mull that over, dear friends, may your Hump Day in no way take the form of an irritable, flatulent camel hissing in your ear.

//CATS VS. DOGS// Even merely

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//CATS VS. DOGS//

Even merely titling this post “Cats vs. Dogs” opens a can of worms akin to Ford vs. Chevy, Coke vs. Pepsi, The Frosted Side vs. The Crispy Wheat Side, Yellow M&M vs. Red M&M, Mac vs. PC, Democrat vs. Republican, Laurel vs. Hardy, the list goes on ... No one ever wins these comparative debates. Your preference is determined by things like upbringing and experiences, which are both from your past and by definition pretty hard to change.

The following list tries hard to be fair to our feline friends and canine buddies. But I readily admit to having a bias.

1. Few would-be burglars have been thwarted by the meowing of cats.
2. Dogs require commitment to take them outside when nature calls; cats need only a box of sand.
3. Dogs greet you at the door. Cats don’t realize you were gone and, frankly, wonder why you’re back.
4. Cats bathe themselves. After bathing most dogs, you’ll need to take a shower yourself.
5. Dogs forgive. Cat’s never forget.
6. Dogs bring you the paper. Cats bring you dead mice.
7. Dogs give you reasons to go outside and enjoy the day. Cats offer excuses to stay inside and cuddle.
8. Hairballs vs. Slobber. Your choice.
9. Kittens are cute and cuddly. Puppies – while cute – poop, pee and barf all over your floor.
10. You know it’s kitty mating season while they’re in the act; dogs are sneaky enough so that you don’t know until there are six little pups following your dog around calling her “Momma”
11. Owners train their dogs; cats train their humans.
12. Garfield vs. Odie; Heathcliff vs. Marmaduke; Morris vs. Scooby Doo. Sure, the cats are smarter, but the dogs are much bigger in two out of three cases and would win in a smackdown.
13. A single guy with a cat can’t look cool walking it in the park; a single guy with the right dog is a studly chick magnet.
14. Dogs are bipolar. Cats are manic-depressive.*
15. A dog’s love is unconditional. Cats are often afraid to love and would rather just be friends.

I know these are generalizations and don’t necessary reflect the traits of your sweet Siamese Mr. Fluffniggles or your beloved beagle Nerfbeetle. Own a healthy sampling of either beast, though, and you’ll begin to see a pattern.

Did I leave something out? Want to make a case for your favorite? Prefer fish? Don’t care? Don’t pout, give me a shout-out!

*Note: the aforementioned behaviors are serious mental conditions and are not to be taken lightly when humans are afflicted. However, when your pet exhibits symptoms of either it’s pretty darn funny.

//GOT BLOG?// The “got milk?”

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//GOT BLOG?//

The “got milk?” campaign has been with us for years now, and the rip-offs of its simply stated question abound. You can hardly go anywhere without someone or something asking you if you GOT something. Sheesh! Where’s the originality? I think we’ve milked this for all it’s worth. Got lame?

Here is a “short” list of things that push the premise of the “got milk?” campaign out the window:

1. Got bugs? (Got termites? Got cooties?)
2. Got vacation?
3. Got beer?
4. Got plumbing problems?
5. Got sex?
6. Got a chewy nougat-filled center?
7. Got sin?
8. Got Jesus?
9. Got spam?
10. Got cable?
11. Got Smith & Wesson?
12. Got beef?
13. Got chocolate?
14. Got game?
15. Got job?
16. Got brains?
17. Got muscles?
18. Got Viagra?
19. Got brain?
20. Got problems?
21. Got the mob after you?
22. Got time?
23. Got lists?
24. Got humor?
25. Got the gist?
26. Got love?
27. Got pain?
28. Got back?
29. Got NASCAR?
30. Got football?
31. Got hair?
32. Got an idea for an invention that could make you a millionaire?
33. Got money?
34. Got credit?
35. Got diarrhea? (or Got constipation?)
36. Got headache?
37. Got car?
38. Got home?
39. Got patience?
40. Got a clue?

Got any others?

//NOTE TO IDIOT. YOU, YES

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//NOTE TO IDIOT. YOU, YES YOU.//

Dear Idiot:

For simply being stupid, you have managed to piss me off yet again. Doesn’t matter why, where or how. Just matters that you did.

Were you the jerk on the way to work who passed me (on atwo-lane road) in the school zone, then ran a red light? You could have killed someone.

Were you my neighbor who always mows his lawn without shoes on? I refuse to help the paramedics find any of your toes that get chopped off.

Were you that moron who cut in front of me in line at the bookstore?

Doesn’t really matter, does it?

Amazing how your names and faces change on an hourly basis. I’m an easy-going person by nature, yet you are the sandpaper of life. You rub me the wrong way and I’m forced to be abrasive, harsh, rough around the edges. You think only of yourself. You do not even think of the safety, comfort or well-being of your loved ones. They may love you, but they probably don’t like you.

You suck, idiot.

Very sincerely not yours,
T

P.S. Stop tailgating me, put something on those nasty flea-bitten feet and wait your turn! Those are your footprints and tire tracks on my last nerve.You have been warned.

//THAT GIRL’S A REAL TRIP//

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//THAT GIRL’S A REAL TRIP//

Writing the entry below about tornadoes reminded me about a girl I worked with at the grocery store. Actually, I remembered several girls I used to know (that dumb Julio Iglesias song would only apply to a few ... I didn’t love them all).

Michelle ... so pretty in an unfussy way. A vibrant smile. Eyes bluer than a fresh blue crayon. She hated makeup, but didn’t really need to wear it anyway. Her hair was always in a perpetual state of confusion. In a word, she was hot.

She was also very very clumsy. And she’d be the first one to tell you this. Her testimony:

* When mopping the floor, she had to use ammonia rather than bleach because when she was younger, she drank bleach. Yes, a glass full of Clorox. Not sure if it was on the rocks or not.

* She volunteered at a library while in elementary school, and so was given the chance to be in her town’s Christmas parade. Somehow she got run over by the Santa Claus float. Yes, Michelle, there is a Santa Claus ... so get out of the way!

* She smoked, but the element of fire in her hands was much more dangerous than any cancer risk. She told me she had SET MORE THAN ONE CAR ON FIRE because she dropped a lit cigarette into the map pockets on the doors. More than one, as in two.

* In the breakroom one time, she had bought a bag of peanuts to snack on. After a good 30 seconds of trying to open the bag, she ripped it with great force, spilling a cascade of nuts all over the place.

She (thankfully) did not have a car at the time and asked a bunch of us if one would be willing to drive her home. I considered it briefly (she had a pack of cigarettes in her hand at the time), but decided my car was worth more than being a gentleman that day. I think most of us had heard her recount the car-burning story.

She started dating the guy who finally volunteered. His pickup was old enough that the door panels were metal.

//WRESTLING WITH THE WIND// Hooray!

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//WRESTLING WITH THE WIND//

Hooray! It’s tornado season! Time for turning keen eyes to the sky, listening for the sound of sirens and getting ready to duck and cover! Park your car somewhere safe, stow your patio furniture and barbecue grills, bring your pets inside and grab a flashlight. Make sure you have your insurance agent’s home phone number, because you’ll never reach him at the office. Don’t worry about flipping your mattress – you’ll get to do that when you drag it into the hallway for protection.

I’ve lived in this corner of Tornado Alley for almost 20 years. Yet I’ve had serious brushes with tornadoes only three times. If you’ve ever faced such a storm, or if you’ve seen that “Twister” movie with the windblown Helen Hunt, you know how sudden and randomly violent the damage can be.

I was working at a grocery store during my first tornado experience, on Mother’s Day, May 9, 1992. Sundays were busy at the store, and the observed “holiday” made it even more hectic. However, I was able to break away long enough to have lunch with Mom and Dad.

We weren’t watching TV during our meal and were oblivious to the tornado warning. The sky looked a little greenish, but it was probably just another spring thunderstorm. While driving driving back to the store after lunch, I saw emergency vehicles clustered around downed power lines and large tree limbs. When I entered the parking lot, I noticed much more going on.

The Eckerd drug store next door was missing its front facade. The gas station on the corner had lost its roof. The Subway sandwich shop – once the town’s Dairy Queen – was on the verge of collapse. The McDonald’s, where I’d worked my first job, now had less of a play area and a severely twisted ‘M” for a sign. The empty hospital building had lost many of its windows, and white blinds dangled outside.

A crowd had gathered in front of the grocery store. A station wagon was flipped upside down and crammed under the awning above the other entrance. Other cars were strewn like toys parked by a spoiled 5-year-old. Inside, the damage was not as noticeable. A few sections of roof were torn off, and trash cans were catching some of the water drips. Some of the front glass was shattered, but no one had been hurt. I tried calling home – this in an era before everyone and their dogs had cell phones – but the lines were tied up by others’ frantic dialing. My dad drove to the store when he encountered the same busy signal and was obviously happy to see me unhurt.

I had just missed it. One less dinner roll with Mom would have stuck me in the middle of it all.

Two of the grocery sackers were helping customers to their cars when the cloud first appeared. They came running inside yelling “Tornado!” There was a split second during which the cashiers and customers up front thought it was a joke. But the punchline came in the form of a thundering black cloud sounding like a runaway sky train, jumping its track and aiming fury at whatever wasn’t nailed down. Witnesses at the scene said there was a lot of screaming, the power went out for a minute, and then all was quiet. That story would be recounted on the local news by a few of my friends and co-workers.

Helicopter-bound news cameras would trace the path of the storm – possibly multiple tornadoes – as it first hit a mobile home park, plowed through the grocery store parking lot, into Eckerd, along the “restaurant row” of the gas station/ice cream store, Subway, a drive-thru bank, McDonald’s, Taco Delite, Sonic and then disappearing. The storm turned near the downtown area, mowing over a few of the houses east of it, continuing north through some trees, then ripping shingles off houses in a newer neighborhood. One of the marinas at the lake lost a roof as it collapsed on top of the boats underneath.

In the wake of the chaos, one fatality was discovered. The man was napping at home alone in his trailer when the strong wind gently rolled the unsecured single-wide on its side. He was crushed by objects in his own living room.

A print shop in town capitalized on the mayhem with “I survived the Mother’s Day tornado” T-shirts. However, because the dead man’s wife worked in the cafeteria at the high school, the tasteless apparel was quickly banned from there.

My second brush with a tornado was less traumatic and is worth only a brief mention. I was a recent college grad working for slave-type wages as a reporter/photographer at a tiny daily newspaper. My roommate and I lived in a duplex a mile from the downtown area. I had my police scanner on and was listening to storm-spotters from the sheriff’s department.

Once again, the sky was green. It had hailed a bit earlier. He had a flashlight, I held my nervous chihuahua. A large funnel cloud was spotted over the junior college, which happened to be next door. We heard the runaway sky train, but it never dropped in for a visit.

We emerged unscathed, but still, it was a close shave.

I’d sworn off living in small towns for a while by the time my third tornado blew by. I worked in downtown Fort Worth at the city’s major newspaper. It was after 6 p.m., and I was moving my car from its metered spot several blocks away to a neared berth for a faster getaway after work.

I was a few steps from my car when the tornado sirens sounded. The wind had picked up, the sky was dark. I walked faster toward the relative safety of my desk.

However, that desk was on a “bridge” over the street that stretched between the original newspaper office and an annex. A staff photographer had been on the roof snapping photos of the storm when she saw an approaching funnel cloud. She ran back to the newsroom and announced frantically that a tornado “was headed right for us.”

The order came for everyone to “get off the bridge” while I was on the phone with my wife. She was in our closet with the phone, a flashlight and our two dogs. She was worried because the sky was green and the wind was frenzied. Her worries were not eased by the fact that I told her “I have to go right now” and hung up. By the time we left the bridge, the order came for everyone to head downstairs to the unused press room in the basement.

We stayed in the windowless confines of the press room for what seemed like forever, but it was less than 30 minutes. Several of us decided to see what was outside. Glass, insulation, stray pieces of buildings and broken cars littered the streets. A taller building a block away had lost most of its windows. We’d find out later that an historic church and a few other office buildings on the edge of town suffered serious damage – enough that they were destined for bulldozing and complete reconstruction.

One man died in that storm as well. He was apparently helpings others find safety at a warehouse when a large piece of debris ended his life.

Once again, I was left shaken but unhurt. My wife was OK, too – we’d gotten the edge of the storm and received rain, wind and hail at our house, but nothing more. My car suffered only the wrath of wind-driven rain and dust. The late-night drive home was meandering because my normal route through the shadows of tall buildings was blocked off for damage assessment. Likewise, my drive into work the next day would take an extra 45 minutes.

In the Dallas/Fort Worth area, we’ve already had our first hail storm this year. Its havoc missed our house by a mile, but we have friends whose recently purchased car looks more like a golf ball from all the hail-induced dimpling. Who knows if more are on the way this year? Tornado conditions can be predicted with some accuracy, but their location is still a guess until they appear.

It makes me almost long for those easily detected hurricanes that take days to reach the shore. At least then we’d be able to pack up everything we loved and head inland. But then again, some of those hurricanes blow ashore and spawn tornadoes.

I just can’t win.

//TEXAS T-BONE’S FRIDAY FIVE// 1.

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//TEXAS T-BONE’S FRIDAY FIVE//

1. Name something you’ve seen recently that has shocked you.
Saw a woman in her late 50s one evening in traffic wearing pink hair-curlers. OK, this is Texas, so you’re gonna see that occasionally. But then her left hand suddenly appeared – holding a pair of little blue tweezers. Yes, friends. She was plucking the lady hairs from her chin, wearing hair-curlers, while sitting at a stoplight. That’s bad enough, but there were two other people in the car with her. Classy with a capital Oh My Goodness. It was like a car wreck ... you know you shouldn’t be looking but you just can’t stop.

2. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Just gotta be me. Can’t be defined by my job. The me-ness of me will hold true no matter where the career path takes me. Although lately I’ve been thinking of pursuing my dreams of either becoming a Solid Gold dancer (no one can keep up with my stylin’ moves) or sand sweeper in the Bahamas (actually saw this being done there at one of the resorts). Would love to own a quaint bed and breakfast, but Wife of T-Bone doesn’t want strangers traipsing through the house all the time. Unfortunately, that’s the crux of the whole bed-and-breakfast thing.

3. What’s for dinner, T?
I don’t know. What are you cooking for me? Have seriously considered starting a project similar to some of the others in Webland (The Mirror Project is among the most famous and in my opinion has gotten waaaay out of control). We’ve got lots of recipe books, but usually we like only one or two meals from each. What I’d like to do is launch The Dinner Project, and have people e-mail recipes (maybe even photos) to me of things they’ve actually cooked and eaten. That would certainly weed out all the peanut butter-and-seaweed fritattas and the like.

4. What’s the first thing you’d buy if you won a million dollars?
Two tickets to paradise! Then I’d have a cheeseburger in paradise. Then I’d probably have a tasty adult beverage in paradise. Then I’d have another. And yet another. Then I’d have heartburn and a hangover in paradise. Then I’d pop some Tums and sleep it off in paradise. OK, so maybe I’ll change my answer to a pack of gum. But I’d buy it in paradise! Woo hoo!

5. How many angry gorillas does it take to change a tire?
I have no intention of ever finding that out.

//LIKE A ROLLING FIRESTONE// I

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//LIKE A ROLLING FIRESTONE//

I posted these answers as a comment to a post the Joker at Bathtub Gin wrote about watching “The Bachelor” for the first time. Because I worked on my response for a good 90 seconds, I thought maybe posting it here would give it a proper burial. The Bachelor this season, if you don’t know, is a Firestone of the Tire Empire Firestones.

Haven't watched "The Bachelor" ever, but Firestone's involvement provides an opportune for some really bad puns:
1. He has already grown tiresome
2. I hate to tread on the subject
3. Wonder if he always wears a rubber
4. What goes around goes around
5. His good looks are overinflated
6. People watch him on the tube
7. He's just full of air (but his rival is a real blimp)
8. Not having such a goodyear
9. People flip for his tires (especially in their Ford Exploders)
10. A chaperone would really be a third wheel
And unfortunately, I'm just getting warmed up. Should have posted this on my own blog!

More:
11. His daddy was a rolling ‘Stone.
12. He is sly among a family of ‘Stones.
13. He is prone to major blowouts.
14. He shimmies if he gets out of balance.
15. When his alignment is off, he pulls to the left (or right)
16. His wealth comes from wheels of fortune.
17. Few ladies want to take him for a spin.
18. I’d steer clear of him.
19. He has money to spare.
20. His personality is a bit flat.

//AND NOW, FOR SOMETHING NOT-SO-SERIOUS//

If you read the story below, you’re probably ready for a laugh. And a nap. It’s not in my power to grant either of those wishes. However, I can attempt to make you smile.

You should have known that at some point, while reading a blog called Texas T-Bone, it would happen. Not for the squeamish, here’s my top 20 nicknames for the male member that also pertain to meat:

1. The Prime Rib
2. Sir Loin
3. T-Boner
4. Beef Tip
5. Meat Thermometer
6. Frankfurter
7. Hamburger Helper
8. Big Mac/Whopper (tie)
9. Tube Steak
10. Rump Roaster
11. Beef Fajita
12. Horny Dog
13. Beef Kabob
14. Carnal Asada Steak
15. Dangling Angus
16. Meat Grinder
17. Summer Sausage
18. Love Burrito
19. Beef Jerky (served for one)
20. The Missing Link

Join me next week when I list the top names for male genitalia relating to underground mineral exploration (Master Driller, Mine Shaft, etc.). I’m so ashamed!

I’m planning to take Thursday off, but don’t worry. Texas T-Bone will return in time to post a rip-roaring Friday Five. Until, hasta la bye bye and have a great day.

//THE TWO MARGARETS// Saltwater spray

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//THE TWO MARGARETS//

Saltwater spray came clear across the bow, over the windshield and into my grinning face. My knuckles were white from gripping the seat so tightly, chest straining against the tiny orange life vest cinched around me. Pop Pop veered into an oncoming wave. My grin widened and I let out a yelp. I was 3 years old and having the time of my life!

The boat – 20 feet of gleaming mahogany, polished chrome and loudly grumbling motor – hit the wave and was airborne for a few seconds. Splash! We hit the water hard, the sudden pressure jolting us in our seats. Mom Mom gave Pop Pop a “You’d better be careful” look. Mom just shook her head. She knew her dad was showing off for his grandson.

There are pictures from that afternoon, but I remember vividly the unphotographed views I saw through the windshield, the sound of the large-block 8 rumbling from inside its box, the smell of salty air mixed with gasoline. I recall Pop Pop let me “steer” while I sat on his lap. Certainly it was a bang-up way to start my love affair with boats and water.

Every summer when I’d visit the island, I’d run across the street to the dock. For many years I had to stand on a cinder block to peer into the boat house windows. There she’d be – covered in old quilts, swaying gently in the breeze. One glimpse rekindled the whoooosh of my first ride and the desire to repeat it.

After Pop Pop died in 1980, the boat and its watery perch were no longer maintained to his standards, which means birds eventually found their way inside. The boat itself, while courted by several suitors during the years (some of them relatives), never found a new owner. Mom Mom knew how much the boat was worth and wouldn’t take a penny off the asking price.

She also knew Pop Pop would have wanted the boat given to someone who would care for it as he had. But it took years for me – his only grandson – to reach a point where I could do anything with it, much less give it a good home.

Time was running out. The once thick, wooden pilings supporting the boat house were being slowly whittled by the tides to mere toothpicks. There was a growing hole in the roof, which allowed sun, rain, snow and even more birds to compound the neglect. I feared that wind gusts from the next nor’easter would give the boat a burial at sea. But that storm never came.

We planned a rescue mission for November 2000, taking a week off from work. Using the generosity of friends on the island, I had the boat’s length and beam (that’s width for you landlubbers) measured so we could find a trailer. We packed up the truck, new trailer in tow, and motored to Virginia.

The boat was OK when we arrived. With some friendly help, a bit of luck and no doubt some heavenly help, we found a way to manually lower the boat without disturbing an ancient electric hoist. The wooden hull kissed the water, then bobbed gently, appearing to take on no water. The next step in the plan was to tow her to the town dock, where my truck and trailer would be waiting.

Mom Mom was in her house, apparently going crazy at the sight of people working on the dock. She had forgotten about her blessing to rescue Pop Pop’s boat, given to me just the day before. But my wife explained calmly to her each time she started to freak out that it was me and I was saving the boat. Back at the boat house, we were ready to head out into the bay.

My second ride in the boat, 23 years after the first, was just as memorable.

I stood proudly at the stern, doing my best to avoid the accumulation of dust and bird poop. Waves lapped against the wooden hull with resonating plops. Diners at a waterfront restaurant watched, spoons full of chowder halfway to their mouths, as we paraded past.

Once at the dock, it took but a few swings of the boat, guided by ropes at each corner, to float easily onto the trailer. I secured the winch strap to the bow ring and reeled it in until the chrome cutwater rested firmly against the trailer’s rubber stopper. I put the truck into four wheel drive to thwart the slickness of the boat ramp, and eased the trailered craft from the water. Then we drove the narrow Main Street through downtown to get to back where we were staying.

Mom Mom’s man-friend had taken her to dinner while the rescue was nearing its end. He had chosen one of their favorite places ... downtown. We passed them as they were exiting his car. The fact that she didn’t notice us was just short of miraculous. Keep in mind they were both in their 80s, failing eyesight and all. But this boat had been part of her life for a long time. Not noticing us made life easier.

A few days later, the trip home began. It was slow – you try hauling 2,500 pounds of antique speedboat from Virginia to Texas – but fun. We got a few excited looks and honks from passersby. While stopping for gas once, a guy followed us off the highway to the station for a closer look at the boat.

Finally, we made it home. I backed the boat behind our fence and threw a tarp over it. Eventually we built a detached garage to protect the boat and to store the yard-taming essentials of suburban life.

My priorities now lie in spending lots of time with my family and fixing up our living quarters. I might be an old man by the time I get around to restoring the boat; maybe it will be in time to take my grandchild out for a spin.

But I sure hope it’s sooner. My son is not even 4 months old, so the chances of him marrying and having a child are a long, long way off.

*********
About the time we returned home, Mom was conducting a different kind of rescue mission.

It had become crystal clear that Mom Mom wasn’t able to care for herself anymore. She’d be the last person to admit it, but she needed nearly constant supervision for her own safety. Her symptoms were similar to early onset Alzheimer’s.

Mom packed some of Mom Mom’s clothes in a suitcase, stuck it in her trunk, and told my grandmother they were going on a trip to Texas. To make the trip more manageable, Mom had gotten a prescription for a mild sedative to help Mom Mom enjoy the long drive a bit more.

The trip went as smoothly as possible, taking nearly a week to cover the 2,000-mile distance at a leisurely pace.

In the meantime, my dad and sister loaded up the motorhome with some of Mom Mom’s familiar things: the rug in her living room, a carved wooden screen, a few treasured trinkets. They reached Texas in three quick-fire days in order to set up Mom Mom’s new room at their house before she arrived.

Anyone who’s played caretaker for an aging relative knows the pitfalls. Past a certain point, it’s in everyone’s best interests for the elder family member to receive professional care. When that time came for Mom Mom, there were the inevitable heartaches and headaches. The guilt Mom felt for putting her there was countered only by how my grandmother seemed to flourish.

Well, flourish as a woman in her 80s can do. She stopped talking every day about going home to the island. She’s made friends. She eats regularly, gets some exercise and has 24-hour access to medical care. Mom’s guilt is waning.

Mom Mom was born in a small shack on the island. Her family built a larger house and moved across the street. Pop Pop’s service in World War II took her to California, New York City and Washington, D.C. After the war, during which Pop Pop served in the Pacific, they moved back to the island and built a house next to her second childhood home. I find it amazing she lived most of her years on the same block.

But times were different then. And the lure of the island, considering her entire family was there also, must have been strong. It’s something I can relate to. Most of those family members are long gone. Still, I wish I was there now.

Pop Pop bought the boat second-hand in 1939, renaming it after his bride. Both his Margarets were rescued from some of the dangers they faced. One, the inanimate wooden watercraft, will one day be returned to its former glory and renamed to reflect the name of the current owner’s bride.

The other, made comfortable for as long as she remains on Earth, will someday see her husband again, in a place much different than the one they both left behind.

//AN OPEN LETTER TO E-MAIL

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//AN OPEN LETTER TO E-MAIL SOLICITORS//

Dear Sir, Madam or Automated System:

Frankly, I long for the days of door-to-door salesmen. Then at least I could slam my door in your faces. That would be more satisfying than merely deleting your e-mails from my junk-mail folder. There were 64 messages in there this morning. I’m sick of it. You must be stopped!

Here’s a response to your queries:
1. I have insurance. Thank you for trying to scam me into buying more.
2. I don’t need a new cell phone.
3. I don’t need 200 channels on the TV.
4. Under no circumstances do I want to grow my breasts quickly or safely.
5. No, I don’t want to save the rain forests with my gigantic fire hose. My penis is just fine like it is. No complaints thus far. Get out of my pants, please.
6. Weren’t you listening? I don’t need Viagra. Contact me again in 30 or 40 years.
7. I’m not tired. Don’t need your miracle drug to feel perky.
8. Don’t want to look at naked photos of your skanky sister.
9. Especially don’t want to watch your skanky sister get busy with farm animals. Am I the only one who has serious issues with this? Call the SPCA!
7. Don’t care about getting rich quick. Went to college so I could get poor more slowly.
8. I never entered your contest to win $50,000, a plasma TV, or a Kia Rio.
9. I’m not in the market for oceanfront property in Montana.
10. Don’t care who from my high school class has listed their names on your dumb site. Don’t care about the reunion, either. I barely attended my classes.
11. Nope. I’m not looking for singles in my area. Stop saying “hi” in the subject line just to get me to open it up. Not gonna work.
12. Don’t want to copy DVDs, own the world’s smallest pen camera or earn hundreds a week from home.

If I failed to mention any of your wacky schemes, I apologize. I’ve devised a plan guaranteed to let you know how I feel. Next junk message I get will be responded to automatically by my computer ... 3,000 times. That should more than fill up your inbox. If you don’t get the point then, feel free to knock on my door.

Sincerely,
Texas T-Bone

P.S. You can try calling me, but we’ve invested in a great service called Privacy Manager. It screens unknown calls for us. If you slip by that system, my failsafe program is called H.U.O.Y.D.B. (Hang Up On Your Dumb Butt). I am not going to be polite enough to listen to your entire sales pitch anymore. You call me during dinner? During my favorite TV show? While I’m sleeping? Playing with the Cutlet? Doing fun marital things with W.O.T.? Prepare yourself for my wrath. Coming soon ... a phone retaliation program that will dial your number automatically ... 3,000 times.

//DREAM A LITTLE DREAM// I

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//DREAM A LITTLE DREAM//

I believe the better blogs out there in Blogland are closer to Blogatopia when content is king. Sure, having something pretty to look at is nice, but after awhile you need substance.

After a point, content alone is not enough, either. You want both. You want the Mensa supermodel who enjoys a good laugh, WWF and browsing the latest titles at the that little indie bookstore. Haven’t reached that point at Texas T-Bone just yet, because a transformation from a free Blogger template to a custom self-hosted site with pretty graphics and pictures sounds so unfree. Yeah I’m cheap. This is a creative outlet for me and I don’t want to PAY to be creative.

Regardless, I still have big dreams. Here’s a list of things I’d do if I had the expertise/time/money and inkling to care enough to send the very best.

1. Post pictures of little ol’ studly me. Because of the Photoshop time required to make the real me look so good, don’t think it’s going to happen. However, would throw in some family photos, because my immediate family is beautiful without benefit of heavy cropping and the smudge tool.

2. A great big header that says “Texas T-Bone ... ‘cause once you’ve had it, everything else is just meat” with a cartoonish graphic of a T-Bone steak shaped like Texas. The steak would start spinning and then explode into a neat display of computer-generated fireworks. Then a pair of cartoon eyes would appear and say “Texas T-Bone is watching you.”

3. An egotistical “About T-Bone” section that lists my hobbies (painting, sculpture, sailing, plumbing repair); my awards (Tony, Oscar, Peabody, Grammy, Nobel, Pulitzer, 2nd place art contest at Kishpaw’s Art Supply when I was 3); my immense land holdings (French chateau, Italian villa, seaside Caribbean cottage, ‘60s ranch-style house in Fort Worth); and my philanthropic endeavors (The Texas T-Bone Library for Vegetarians, Texas T-Bone Children’s Hospital, the $5 I gave that homeless guy). My club affiliations would also be listed (Association of Box Wine Drinkers, Corny Dog Tasters of America, Toastmakers, Society of Amateur Comedians Nicknamed After Cuts of Meat). I’ve got such a big head. Must get some fresh air!

4. Whew! I’m back. Would finally alphabetize that growing list of links to the left. Would have clever messages that pop up when you scroll over the site names. Might even play songs that I wrote about each blogger, music performed by a large orchestra and sung by Paul McCartney and that lead singer guy from Twisted Sister. He continues to crack me up.

5. Would hire someone to hand-write “thank-you” notes to everyone who leaves comments on my site. I’d sign each one myself, and maybe toss in a gift certificate for you (I’d keep a file on everyone in the world with Internet access, so that if you commented I’d know your interests and have a corresponding certificate).

Or maybe I’ll just stick to this ballgame right here. It’s more fun keeping it simple. And for Texas T-Bone, simple is better. More than two lines of HTML at once makes my head hurt, and that’s certainly not fun.

Later, Cyber Taters!

//A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING//

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//A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING//

The Cutlet rolled over for the first time Saturday night. We watched him do it and were awestruck. Usually, we're a little harder to please. But when our baby does anything for the first time we are usually spellbound.

While still in the hospital, we were pleased as punch when he "loaded" his first diaper. Equally, the first time he took careful aim and peed all over us, we were proud parents. Here's a list of firsts that, when accomplished, will have us dancing jigs and playing wild Blue Ridge Mountain cazoo music:

1. When he DADDY says his DADDY first DADDY recognizable word. (Note to Cutlet: that's DAH-DEE).
2. When he stands up for his beliefs. We're hoping he'll have early, strong convictions about potty training. The novelty of that first diaper has worn off.
3. Learning to crawl, then walk (an obvious one).
4. Taking an interest in something, whether sports, literature, the arts, NASCAR or camping.
5. His first home improvement project. If it was anything like my first as a child, it will be to decorate the house with every toy he owns (I lost Han Solo somewhere in my parents' bedroom that way).
6. The first time we let him learn from his own mistakes.

There are lots of firsts he will accomplish, all of which we will celebrate either quietly or openly right along with him. That's one of the joys of parenthood. That, and I get a bunch of cool toys to play with, too. Anyone see my Millenium Falcon?

//THE FINAL COUNTDOWN// Well, I'm

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//THE FINAL COUNTDOWN//

Well, I'm chillin' before picking up W.O.T. and Mini Me (er, The Cutlet) from the airport in less than two hours. Just checkin' my e-mail and to see if any me peeps had dropped comments on the site (thanks, guys!).

Does anybody remember that awful '80s band that sang "The Final Countdown" and a few forgettable hits? Can't remember. Thankfully, when I made the switch to CDs, I left my cassettes and many of the groups on them in the trash heap. Please, don't anyone ask me what a "cassette" is. It wasn't that long ago. The first car I bought had an 8-track player in it, but that says more about how crummy the car was than it does about my age. Oh how times have changed!

To respond to a few comments recently posted: Rose, I'll e-mail you a pic of my car next week. That should make your man happy. And to my new Jamaican compadre, W.O.T. and I have been married almost four years ... will be exactly four on this coming April 24. I'm enthusiastic about her, not only because she puts up with me, but she's one hot momma in her own right. I sure love that woman!

I'm gonna go soak up a little sun before I pick 'em up. Talk to you great people, later!

T-Bone, singing off!

//READY FOR PRIME TIME!// Casa

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//READY FOR PRIME TIME!//

Casa del T-Bone is scrubbed, dusted, vacuumed and generally smelling spring-fresh thanks to much running around like a neat-freak chicken with its head cut off by yours truly. Don't know why I bothered really. W.O.T. is accustomed to living in a state of post-explosion-type organization. After the Cutlet was born, we feel like a Babies 'R' Us was detonated inside our house. Not complaining, though. Wouldn't trade either one of them for anything!

Now, get off the freakin' computer and go outside. Yeah, OK, it's dark while I'm writing this. But tomorrow, there's a 100% of daylight. Enjoy it, Crazy Webheads!

//IN CASE YOU DIDN’T REALIZE,

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//IN CASE YOU DIDN’T REALIZE, IT’S FRIDAY!//

I’m forgoing the Friday Five this week, not only because I couldn’t think of brilliant questions to ask myself. Just want to keep this beefy blog fresh. Mix it up. Keep my dear reader(s) guessing. Thunderstorms have interrupted my morning aerobic routine of jogging around the neighborhood trying not to get bitten by stray dogs or run over by the Suburban Yuppies on their way to work. That means I have more time to post!

Have a super weekend, all! Here goes ...

//VICTORIOUS RETURN//

Yay! Wife of T-Bone and the Cutlet are coming home Saturday afternoon! That means Casa Del T-Bone will be returning to normal. It also means I need to get to work! Here’s a list of 10 things I need to do before picking them up from the airport tomorrow:

1. Water what’s left of the houseplants
2. Find this “vacuum cleaner” I keep hearing about; learn how to use it
3. Find the floor, too, which I’m sure is there. Just can’t see it
4. Retire my post-modern sculpture, titled “The Leaning Tower of Food-Encrusted Dishes”
5. Move the growing laundry pile from a corner of the living room back to its dainty little hamper in our bedroom
6. Make it look like I’ve been toiling diligently on my home renovation projects, rather than watching bad TV in my underwear
7. Say goodbye to the spool coffee table
8. Restock the fridge with actual food
9. Prepare for some hot reunion lovin’ with W.O.T. (Not much to do; as a male member of the species I’m ready to go in a moment's notice)
10. Shower

//HERE COME’S SPEED RACER// Dear

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//HERE COME’S SPEED RACER//

Dear Teenage Lugnut in the Ridiculous Honda Civic,

Hey, Dude. Saw you check out my car when you pulled up to the stoplight. You tried to be cool about it, but it didn’t work. Didn’t help that you revved your rice-burning engine a little to let me know you were there.

Hard not to notice that machine of yours, Looney Bin Lackin’.

First clue: glow-in-the-dark lime-green paint. Heard the paint coming before I heard that thundering muffler, the kind that sounds like a nasally chainsaw. The sun glinted off your oversized gold-plated wheels as they stopped even with my wheels. By then I could also hear the subwoofer in your trunk, rattling your fancy chrome chainlink license-plate bracket that wasn’t quite tight enough. Love that spoiler, which is twice as tall as the car alone. And those silver stickers of naked women in silhouette. Classy. Bet you’re Numero Uno with the ladies, Bro.

Keep noodling the throttle, Buddy. All it’s going to do is waste gas. This is a long light and it just turned red 30 seconds ago. Relax. Cool your heels. There are three more stoplights in the next mile, Chicken Little. You’ll get to the mall or wherever you’re going soon enough, Abercrombie & Flinch.

I refuse to race you, Playstation. I’m getting too old for that. Don’t need to prove anything to myself or anybody else. You were barely out of Pampers when I became a legal driver, so I’m over thinking a fast car makes the man. It takes a lot more than that, Pokemon.

Green light. I let off the brake and gently tap the accelerator and whoooooooosh. OK, so I fibbed a little. Racing is kind of fun. If you hadn’t been picking your nose or fixing your spiky hair in the mirror, maybe I wouldn’t have beaten you so badly. You look a little ticked off when you pull up at the second stoplight. What’s wrong, Vidal Not-So-Soon?

Yeah, it stings to be beaten off the line by a guy in his late 20s in a stock Mustang GT. With automatic transmission. Got to hurt. All I do is change the oil and have the tires rotated and balanced. Maybe a wash and wax now and then. Why spoil a good thing, Rainbow Brite!

You remember all that time you and your buds spent bolting on that front air dam, Home Cookin’? Or maybe it was the hour or so to install the lighted windshield-washer jets? Or the fancy clear taillights? Or the neon ropelights underneath? You forgot something, Poser. You’ve still got the little bitty economy engine the car had when your mom drove it to church on Sundays. You got the show but no go.

Another green light. You were paying attention this time, but I got you again, Speed Racer. Don’t really have time to play games with you. I’ve got to get to the grocery store before the deli closes. Wife of T-Bone wants some sliced ham and turkey. Swiss cheese, too. And we’re running low on diapers for the Cutlet. That’s what you’ve got to do when you’re a real man.

It’s got nothing to do with the car.

Sincerely,
Texas T-Bone

P.S. In simpler terms, and I’ll write slowly, it’s not how you get there – or even where you’re going – as much as it is who you are when you get back. Looks don’t mean much in a Photoshop World. Chew on that, Jolly Rancher!

//I WANT TO BUY THE

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//I WANT TO BUY THE WORLD A BEER!//

OK, not the entire world ... just the members of the blogging community who helped me go with my gut concerning the job decision. Not everyone likes beer, so sub it for the tasty adult beverage of your choice, or milkshake or whatever mutates your mellow. From New York to Los Angeles, from Dallas to Jamaica, you ROCK!

Was a bit butterfly-ridden as I dailed the recruiter's number, but after telling her I was not able to take the job as it was offered, my daylong tummy ache subsided and so did my doubts. I slept like an already gainfully employed baby last night.

Climbing the career ladder is meaning less and less to me these days. As the Cutlet gets older, he'll need my time and attention even more. Wife of T-Bone and I have a relationship that begs for lots of time together. Though a high-rung salary would be a welcome boost to our finances, my time is so much more valuable.

So I am content, but remaining on the lookout for other opportunities. After all, if a stellar job was offered to me at the right price, there's always the weekend for family! Then we could drive around in a nicer car and eat at fancier restaurants ("Come on honey! The Jag's in the driveway and we're going to IHOP! Yee haw!"). Not that I care about either of those things, either.

Thanks again for your help! You and my gut were right!

Stay tuned to Texas T-Bone, which will return shortly (tomorrow to be exact) to its regularly anticipated combination of thoughtful prose and wacky mayhem. Thanks for stoppin' by!

//DECISIONS, DECISIONS//

Company I interviewed for offered me a job yesterday, but it's never that simple. The salary would be a small pay cut – small enough not to matter, except I would be giving up some things at my current job if I took it. Those losses would be easier to forgive had the salary been the same (or especially higher). It comes down to what is best for me, and what is best for my family (not mutually exclusive; but in a tie, family will win). Here's the pros and cons of taking the job:

Pros
1. Myriad advancement opportunities
2. New challenges
3. Excellent benefits package (cheap, solid health insurance and more)
4. Being a catalyst for change (hiring manager wants someone to shake things up)
5. Company at least is trying to go somewhere, unlike the sinking ship I'm on now

Cons
1. Would no longer be able to have lunch with my family (more important now because of new baby)
2. Longer commute – to downtown; traffic, parking headaches, wear-and-tear on me and the car
3. Salary paycut
4. Giving up what I have (job security while company is afloat; more practical employee discount; 3 years seniority; management position)
5. I'd have to starting using a PC again and learn a few programs I've never heard of (not so bad, but I'd miss my high-powered Mac ... I'm an addict).
6. I have a feeling something better will come along than this opportunity, and this would quash that possibility.

Any thoughts?

(Note: if you have time and inclination, my posts intended for yesterday were finally published late Tuesday. I'm proud of them – April Fools being one of my favorite "holidays!")

//HOW I'M CELEBRATING APRIL FOOLS

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//HOW I'M CELEBRATING APRIL FOOLS DAY//

(Alternatively titled: Reasons My Wife Will Kill Me When She Gets Back In Town)

1. Put my wife's cherished childhood teddy bear in the dishwasher because it needed "perking up"
2. Drove backwards to work
3. Traded her car in for a really cool speedboat
4. Spray-painted one end of the house black
5. Decided to rearrange all the furniture in the house
6. Donated her enormous shoe collection to the war effort
7. Invited some of my clumsiest buddies over to play Jenga® with the fine china
8. Figured two dogs wasn't really enough, so bought a litter of puppies and named them after the presidents on Mount Rushmore. If I can only get Roosevelt to stop crapping in the kitchen!
9. Signed up to be a judge on ABC's "Are you hot?"
10. Dug a moat around the house and filled it with chirping crickets

//WANTED: SWF FOR FRIENDSHIP FIRST//

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//WANTED: SWF FOR FRIENDSHIP FIRST//

(A WARNING TO PRUDISH TEXAS T-BONE READERS: This post contains explicit material suitable only for mature adults. Those under 17 must be accompanied by a legal parent or guardian. OK, it’s not that bad.)

It’s interesting what some people will do when they’re lonely.

Every Friday, the local newspaper published singles ads on the back page of the entertainment guide. I had been skimming the ads for weeks that women had placed seeking single white males between 18 and 25, which was me at the time.

Don’t know why I decided to call a few of them that particular night. Guess curiosity got the best of me.

“BLONDE AMBITION. SWF, 20, 5’9’’, seeks SWM, 18-29, for friendship, possible LTR.”

I dialed the number, listened to a message recorded by the ad’s author, then left a few details about myself. That was about 8 p.m.

At 2 a.m. the next morning, my phone rang. I didn’t pick up because I was enjoying my sleep and was hoping to recover it after the ringing stopped. The person didn’t leave a message, and when I checked my Caller ID the next morning it was an unfamiliar number.

The phone rang about midnight the next night. Same strange number as before. I picked up.

“Hi, this is Taylor,” a chipper, youthful female voice said. “You left a message responding to my ad?”

We talked a little about ourselves and arranged to meet at her parents’ house to watch a movie.

Taylor turned out to be a cute blonde girl, who by my best guess was barely 18. She was not nearly 5’9’’ either, but I’m not one to talk about height. One of her friends was there to render a second opinion about me. I guess I passed.

After a fun but uneventful evening, Taylor and I set up a date for the following Friday. It was around Christmastime, so we were going to have dinner and then go to a popular neighborhood nearby where the holiday light display was spectacular.

Upon picking Taylor up, she told me her real name was Sunni. The classified service told its clients to use fake names, just in case, she said. Well, becoming nameworthy gave me a dose of confidence.

Dinner was nice, the Christmas lights were reliably fantastic; then I drove her home. She invited me in and, figuring I was on a roll, I accepted.

Sunni went to her bedroom and emerged wearing loose-fitting khaki shorts and a black tee shirt. Her parents were home, but had already gone to bed. I was a bit timid about making out on the couch with her folks in such close proximity, but what the hell? They certainly wouldn’t be angry at a couple of kids kissing, would they?

We kept it PG for 30 minutes. Nibbled ears, kissed necks. exploring tongues. Then her hand slid suggestively over the front of my pants. We were in PG-13 territory until I lifted her shirt and caressed her breasts, first with my hands, then my mouth. Definitely becoming an R-rated night.

Sunni’s hand was now inside my pants.Mine found a gap beneath her shorts. Things were heating up fast. I pulled away slightly. “Your parents ...”

“Don’t worry,” she assured me, kissing me gently on the lips. “They won’t be up until tomorrow morning. Just don’t make too much noise.” She unzipped my pants, pulled back my underwear and ...

After a few minutes, I continued to protest (believe it or not). She stood up, leading me by the hand to the hall bathroom. We went in, I flipped on the light and she locked the door. Silence. Blaring lights above the vanity. A thankfully carpeted floor. She resumed ...

As we were having sex, I considered the fact the entire evening seemed rehearsed. Had she done this very thing before with some other guy? The thought didn’t really bother me; just wanted to know her motivation. The evening ended soon after we were through – post-coital bliss being hard to enjoy on the bathroom floor.

Her parents were sound sleepers.

Our time together always began innocently enough. Inevitably, we would end up naked, sweaty and tired. The encounters became easier while she was house-sitting for her older sister, who was out of town on business. No parents. No curfew. A large, comfortable bed.

But there was a turning point in our relationship. A point at which I learned Sunni’s motivation for finding someone a littlle older, ostensibly more mature and possibly able to provide for her: Sunni wanted out of her life.

She said almost as much one night by relating a story of how, when she was 8 years old, her father kicked her and told her she was worthless. I couldn’t imagine such an event being a one-time thing, so I surmised Sunni had faced abuse growing up. I was about to leave when she told me this, but she asked me to spend the night. It was the first time we shared a bed but kept our clothes on.

“You have the gentlest touch of any man I’ve ever known,” she told me that night as I caressed her cheek.

She’d probably grown accustomed to seeking male companionship for comfort to replace her distant father. And as she got older, sex became the lure for that companionship. She was trying to sex me into spiriting her away to ... what? Another city? Marriage? A new life? A different reason for living? I wasn’t looking for permanence then, and probably never from her.

I began to drift away. I let time and distance tell the story, but unfortunately, those components never say what should be said. Should have looked into her eyes and said, “You deserve more than this. You deserve to be loved. When you look for love, maybe you shouldn’t be so willing to offer your body as a sacrifice to appease the god of the male libido. It clouds things.”

The last time I saw her, I was fulfilling a previously established obligation to attend her cousin’s wedding. I met Sunni’s extended family. They commented on how better-looking I was than all of Sunni’s previous dates. A shower, shave and sportcoat-and-tie can do that for anyone, you know. I had to go to work right after the ceremony, so I bid her goodbye and was gone.

Don’t remember thinking “This is it” as I walked through the church parking lot to my car. Never really thought “I’m not going to call her, or take her calls after this moment.” It was just over. In the gymnastics of love, I’d certainly bungled the dismount. No excuses here. But it should not have been a surprise to her. I know she knew it was fleeting, temporary, a fling.

I never looked at the personals after that.

About this Archive

This page is an archive of entries from April 2003 listed from newest to oldest.

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