//HAPPY 12-WEEK-OLD BIRTHDAY!//
Isn’t it annoying when new parents make up fake milestones for their newborns with each passing week? Well, my wife and I do it, too, so shut up!
Our little cutlet is 12 weeks old, or doing some new-parent math, roughly 3 months old. The bum still hasn’t gotten a job or mowed the lawn, but I’ll give him some more time on that.
To commemorate the non-occasion, I’ll share with you some of things we, as new parents, were scared about when we brought the cutlet home from the supermarket (er, hospital):
1. Our dogs might eat him.
2. We’d leave the house, forgetting we had a baby.
3. He’d get lost in a large load of laundry, and we’d accidentally put him in the washer.
4. We’d forget to change his diaper. For three weeks.
5. His features would turn out to resemble the worst parts of both of us.
6. One of the thousands of toys people have bought for him would come alive and start telling him very bad Vaudevillian one-liners.
7. His first words would be: “ivy league university.”
8. He’d get tired of the food we fed him (“Wuh! Breastmilk AGAIN?”)
9. He’d cry every time the T-bone would pick him up.
10. He’d think his parents were totally uncool.
Well, none of this has happened yet. The jury’s still out on what his first real words will be ... his cooing does not yet sound like the King’s English. And, at some point, he will have the feeling his parents aren’t as cool as they used to be – probably the same moment we’re driving his friends around in our brown Volvo station wagon and turn to the “Oldies” radio station (Soft-rock hits from the ’80s, ’90s and today!). Can’t win ’em all.
Happy Nonoccasional 12-Week-Old Birthday, Cutlet!
