March 2003 Archives

//THE MARRIED BACHELOR//

Wife of T-Bone and The Cutlet are (sadly) out of town this week visiting Grandma and Grandpa in Oklahoma. They left yesterday evening and I miss them already!

The T-Bone is trying really hard not to revert back to some aspects of his bachelorhood. Here are five things I'm up against:
1. I moved the dirty laundry from its dainty little hamper in our bedroom. It's now in a corner of the living room.
2. Saw one of those big wooden spools and considered its use as a coffee table.
3. Wanted to strip down to my underwear and enjoy some beer and pizza. For breakfast. (Beer is now a food group of its own for a week).
4. Had some strange urge to replace all the framed art in the house with posters of fast cars and half-naked women.
5. Have forgotten where we keep the vacuum cleaner and all the cleaning supplies. Not even sure we have those things! Would not know how to use them if I found them.

Come back soon, W.O.T. and Cutlet!

//T-BONE’S FRIDAY FIVE//

This not-posting-at-work stuff stinks. But I’ve planned ahead, friends. Yes, it’s my weekly Friday Five posted here for your time-wasting pleasure. I guarantee any other Friday Fives you’ll read today won’t contain the following questions:

1. Name an exotic food you’ve eaten that surprised you when it tasted a little like chicken. McNuggets.

2. Have you ever concocted an alcoholic drink that you thought was brilliant, yet later decided it was probably the worst thing ever put in a glass and you swore to yourself, no matter what pressure you might face, you’d never ever make it again?

Yes. A Thursday in 1995. Denton, Texas. Night of the Yoo-Hoo Russian. Very baaaaaad.
3. What is the most embarrassing situation you’ve ever been in?
Forgetting to wear pants to my wedding.

4. Have any tattoos or body piercings?
Not on purpose.

5. Heard any lame jokes lately?
Why, yes. Did you hear about the lonely marine biologist who was consumed by her work and a relentless pursuit of companionship? She was looking for her significant otter.

To all a fabulous weekend! See you on the other side!

//MANNERS MANAGEMENT//

Go to any public place, wait a few minutes, and it’s likely you’ll witness some display of etiquette being slaughtered. It is Texas T-Bone’s belief that good manners would go a long way toward making life more livable. Couldn’t hurt, right?

Not oppressive rules; I’m talking simply of common courtesy. Holding a door for a lady may not be appreciated by all women, but slamming a door in her face would be acceptable in only the rarest cases. While in traffic, use a turn signal when you cut off other drivers. Try replacing “yeah,” “nope” and “huh?” with “Why, yes, I’d love to,” “No, thank you” and “I’m sorry, would you repeat that?” It will make such a difference in your life.

On that note, I present to you, for your humble consumption, five reasons why Miss Manners® (aka columnist Judith Martin) is a babe:

1. She gives solid etiquette advice without stooping to political correctness.
2. She often refers to herself in the third person (as does Texas T-Bone), which we all know is a sign of high intelligence and grace.
3. She doesn’t let people off the hook for being stupid; politeness only goes so far.
4. I bet she smells terrific.
5. She knows what that fork is for, and she knows when to use it.

Have a nice day, please.

//BEAR WITH ME ... STILL WORKING ON COMMENTS//

Here are the top five reasons you still can't leave a comment on this blog:
1. I'm an HTML Idiot, certifiably so.
2. When I get the coding "correct" it still gets messed up by lovely blogging program.
3. Am not bitter, just frustrated.
4. Any suggestions from the peanut gallery? Sorry, you'll have to e-mail me!
5. My nickname is T-bone ... how smart can I be if I'm named after a cut of meat?

//LOOKING FOR LOVE AMID WAR//

It’s mostly because of the circumstances that I remember Nada.

Although she was stunningly beautiful, highly intelligent, articulate and incredibly nice, we didn’t share much time other than a movie and a few phone calls. It was clear to both of us we had little more than a mutual, fleeting attraction in common. And so we quietly moved on before we got close.

It was the early 1990s, a time similar to our current political climate. Nada, a citizen of Kuwait, was in the United States visiting relatives when Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein (ever heard of him?) invaded her country. The U.S. granted her, her mother and brother political asylum, and she enrolled in a Texas high school. Nada was 16 and placed in the 12th grade. A large Michigan university had already offered her a full scholarship upon graduation.

I was 18, living with my parents, attending a nearby community college and working at my small town’s only supermarket.

Nada first saw me while I was working. That she liked what she saw was a miracle – goofy blue apron, nerdy red clip-on bow tie and all. I’m sure I noticed her then, but then again I noticed most of the girls. The goofy grin I wore back in those days must have worked.

A few days later, her uncle approached me. “Hi, how are you doing. There’s a senior at XXXXX High School who would like to meet you,” he said, showing me a wallet-sized photo of Nada. I remember smiling and saying something like, “Wow. She’s beautiful. That would be great.”

Nada returned to the store to meet me a day or so later. She seemed a little shy, but we exchanged smiles and pleasantries and made plans for the weekend. She wanted to see “Father of the Bride.”

My dad warned me to watch out – this Kuwaiti girl might be looking for a green card. She also might have family members who could “make me disappear” if I treated her badly. I laughed that off and felt sure her intentions were of a casual teenage nature. Although something her uncle had said stuck with me: “She’s looking for her Prince Charming.”

I drove to the apartment her family was renting and met her mom and brother. We hopped cheerfully in my jalopy and motored to the theater.

She was a 180-degree turn from the Chatterboxes I was used to dating. Her English was perfect, but I got the sense she was unsure of it. Or maybe she hadn’t been on many (any?) dates before – or at least with a goofy American boy. The conversation didn’t flow evenly. But it was a nice date and I liked her.

Kuwait is a wealthy, modern nation in which citizens are exposed to many aspects of Western culture. But because I was unsure of exactly where she was coming from, I returned her home without a kiss. She sure seemed to want one. I sure wanted to give her one. But the wall was too high for me to climb. (Idiot!)

Sometime between our date and the last time we talked, I was in my college library reading a book on Kuwait and its culture. My jaw dropped, Wile E. Coyote-style, when I read the part about how marriages are traditionally arranged there ...

A relative of the girl approaches the boy in a public place and sets up a meeting between the two.

Whatever freak-out moment transpired in the library was ruled moot by the fact we drifted apart soon after. Our lives were different. Our goals were different. Our cultures were different – although that gap could have been bridged with patience.

To this day, I believe Nada was merely looking for what many teenage girls the world over seek – a boyfriend. Innocently. Honestly. Lovingly.

Nada has probably long since found her Prince Charming and is living happily ever after. If we happened to bump into each other today, we’d share photos of each other’s children and laugh about our brief history so long ago.

And then I’d give her a goodbye kiss on the cheek.

//THE SEARCH FOR T-BONE//

Here’s how yours truly ranks in the Texas T-Bone department: seventh in an MSN Internet search. I guess it could be worse. Got a specialty wholesale beef manufacturer, a recipe (listed twice), a blues singer, a review of a restaurant in Arizona and another blues artist ahead of me. I can safely say I’m in good company. No Mad Cow stories or X-rated sites can beat my meat.

(SIDE BAR: A recent Google search put me at No. 2, but I bet that’s because I use its recent acquisition Blogspot/Blogger for this blog. Membership has its privileges!)

Here are five reasons it’s good to be a Texas T-Bone:
1. If I’m ever in Tucson, I might be able to get a free steak. At the least, maybe a discounted appetizer.
2. Have permanent permission to do bluesman T-Bone Walker’s “T-Bone Shuffle” anywhere and anytime I please.
3. Life is good!*
4. Whenever I convince someone to eat beef, an angel gets its wings. Plus, the National Beef Council of America pays me handsome royalties every time I write the word “sirloin.” (sirloin, sirloin, sirloin, sirloin, sirloin, sirloin, sirloin, sirloin, sirloin, sirloin, sirloin, sirloin, sirloin! Ca-ching!)
5. Whenever I’m out fighting crime in the T-Bone-mobile, people wait until after I’ve nabbed the suspected “perp” to ask me for an autograph.

*Life is good! And here’s five reasons why:
1. I have a wife who loves me.
2. I feel terrific!**
3. When people ogle our cutlet, they say how cute he is in the same sentence as “he looks like his daddy!” It feels good!
4. Though looking for a new job, I already have one that occasionally has redeeming qualities (besides that weekl paycheck).
5. I’m a citizen of the United States of America, a place that, for all its flaws, is still the best place in the whole world to breathe the free air, be yourself and enjoy the precious liberties paid for by the blood of honorable patriots. If you don’t support The War, at least support the brave men and women who are willing to risk it all for this great country’s future. (flag waves in the background; soapbox is quietly put away).

**I feel terrific! And here’s five reasons why:
1. The T-Bone exercises regularly (jogging, bicycling, walking, throwing cutlet up in the air ... and catching him).
2. The T-Bone strives for a well-balanced diet of fruits, vegetables, grains and, of course, meat and poultry.
3. The T-Bone rarely drinks alcoholic beverages to excess (as he did in college ... a lot), but opts instead for the occasional indulgence of a fine beer, margarita or other mixed drink. T-Bone no longer does shots at all (but that’s a list for another time, friends).
4. The T-Bone realized early in his life that he was not a cat person. The T-Bone loves the people who love cats, but cats themselves make the T-Bone sneeze, wheeze and basically feel like crap. Thus, the T-Bone tries to avoid the kitties (although college was, in fact, another story in that realm as well).
5. The T-Bone has many friends who enjoy the ol’ firestick, but T-Bone himself does not smoke. I do have the rather annoying habit (only in blogland, I assure you), of referring to myself in the third person. And that's probably a worse social faux paus than smoking. Apologies.

Have a Happy Whateverdayitiswhenyoureadthis!

//NEW BLOGGER MOMENT//

Checked the coding on my hotlink to the Iraqui's site after posting, rechecked it here, and for some reason it's linking to myself (or was at the time). Dangerous bloggin' ahead! Forgive him, he knows not what he does (but I was sure I was doing it right). Sorry for the inconvenience, but I think you'll find it's worth it: type in dear_raed.blogspot.com. It certainly is a different perspective on The War than we could ever get otherwise.

While I'm here again, might as well tell you some of the other Manly Things I did this weekend. While the T-Bone does not need to do these things to feel manly, it helps that he can conjer up the strength of 25 men when doing bathroom renovation. Otherwise I'd be unconscious from banging my head on the toilet in frustration.

1. I watched "Dirty Harry" (a true guy's movie)
2. I moved more dirt than I had at the time of Sunday's post
3. Cleaned out half the garage (was selectively lazy enough not to back out my wife's car; mine was already in the driveway)
4. Organized some of my tools in the process
5. Realized I don't have enough tools, or enough of the right ones, to do half the things This Old House needs to have done to it .

You kiddos be good until my next post (at which time you can throw confetti and dance naked in the streets).

T-Bone, out!

//THAT CAN'T-POST-AT-WORK BLUES//

My office's Internet filter has figured out I like to waste time posting things to my blog. That means I'll be posting from home – most likely in the evenings – and less frequently. Maybe that will improve the protein content of my beefy bloggin'. A guy's got to try, right?

The war rages on. Not much I can add to the debate, but I did see this site linked on another blog. I can't vouch for its authenticity, but it appears to be a blog written by an Iraqui in Iraq. Either way, it is interesting reading.

To lighten the load of this post a bit, I'll post the five eating-related things that annoy the T-Bone (as if you care):
1. Lack of table manners (elbows off the table, chew with mouth closed, stop swinging that axe)
2. People who don't eat their vegetables
3. People who only eat vegetables (fine for a healthy diet; when it becomes a lifestyle it becomes extreme)
4. Not trying something just because it looks yucky
5. Eating mashed potatoes with a spoon

The T-Bone is far from perfect, but I do have impeccable table manners! Yeah, right!

//MANLY THINGS//

So, the T-Bone has taken advantage of this glorious weekend to do some manly things around the house:
1. Fixed our gate (it had only been 3 years)
2. Assembled my new wheelbarrow
3. Moved some dirt with new wheelbarrow
4. Am ripping out bathroom vanity with powerful T-Bone strength
5. Have plans to char some meat (mostly chicken) on the ol' grill.

It's a T-Bone thing, you wouldn't understand!

This is a test of the T-Bone broadcasting system. If this was an actual emergency, I'd write a lot of things like !@$#^^#& and ()__(*&^^%%%YGYHHE77. But it's not. We now return you to your regularly scheduled time-wasting activities.

//IT'S THE FRIDAY FIVE, T-BONE STYLE//

OK, so I'm a big fan of the Friday Five. However, if you read enough blogs today, you'll stumble across the same five questions more than once. So, although writing your own questions is a lot like cheating, it makes for funnier posts (I hope). Here goes ...

1. What's the most expensive thing you've ever bought? A wife. Oops, I mean a house.
2. List three things you plan to do things weekend. Continue renovating our bathroom; begin the Spring Cleaning Push by throwing away anything with dust on it; party like it's 2003.
3. What does the word "seriema" mean to you? That would be a Brazilian bird.
4. Where do you see yourself in five years? On a fishing trawler in the Strait of Gibraltar, dressed in yellow rubber overalls, tangled in a fish net. Or maybe in California writing puzzles for "Wheel of Fortune." Or maybe my kiester will be parked right here in front of this stupid computer. Who really knows?
5. How many Texas T-Bones does it take to screw in a light bulb? Usually one, but I've found a light bulb is awfully small to screw in.

Ha! Happy Friday!

//DON'T SHOOT THE MOCKINGBIRDS//

I have kind of a nightly "Boo Radley" moment when I'm out walking my dog. It's usually just after 9 p.m., and we walk around the neighborhood for 20 minutes.

An elderly "gentleman" (because I don't know any differently) strolls the neighborhood about the same time – wearing a vest with flashing red lights on the front and yellow glowing tape on the back. Nothing wrong with that – he's got the sense to attempt being seen by the speeding cars that tear through the 'hood.

However, whenever he passes the house, or Gypsy and I pass him elsewhere, he is always mumbling to himself. At least I hope it's only to himself, because I've never responded.

In reality, just as in To Kill A Mockingbird, my Boo Radley is probably just a nice old man getting some exercise. He good be a war veteran, a loving grandfather, a kind father, a loving husband. But it spooks me out just the same. Guess one day curiousity will get the best of me and I'll at least say "Hello" to the old man.

Gypsy, the "attack" Border collie, could come to my aid, licking the guy senseless if he proves harmful. We both can outrun most old men, and I must say, the T-bone is somewhat athletic enough to fight back. But the Boo Radley-ness might leave me paralyzed – morphing me into Jim Finch.

If you're bored and you know it, clap your hands!

//HAPPY 12-WEEK-OLD BIRTHDAY!//

Isn’t it annoying when new parents make up fake milestones for their newborns with each passing week? Well, my wife and I do it, too, so shut up!

Our little cutlet is 12 weeks old, or doing some new-parent math, roughly 3 months old. The bum still hasn’t gotten a job or mowed the lawn, but I’ll give him some more time on that.

To commemorate the non-occasion, I’ll share with you some of things we, as new parents, were scared about when we brought the cutlet home from the supermarket (er, hospital):

1. Our dogs might eat him.
2. We’d leave the house, forgetting we had a baby.
3. He’d get lost in a large load of laundry, and we’d accidentally put him in the washer.
4. We’d forget to change his diaper. For three weeks.
5. His features would turn out to resemble the worst parts of both of us.
6. One of the thousands of toys people have bought for him would come alive and start telling him very bad Vaudevillian one-liners.
7. His first words would be: “ivy league university.”
8. He’d get tired of the food we fed him (“Wuh! Breastmilk AGAIN?”)
9. He’d cry every time the T-bone would pick him up.
10. He’d think his parents were totally uncool.

Well, none of this has happened yet. The jury’s still out on what his first real words will be ... his cooing does not yet sound like the King’s English. And, at some point, he will have the feeling his parents aren’t as cool as they used to be – probably the same moment we’re driving his friends around in our brown Volvo station wagon and turn to the “Oldies” radio station (Soft-rock hits from the ’80s, ’90s and today!). Can’t win ’em all.

Happy Nonoccasional 12-Week-Old Birthday, Cutlet!

//WAR, WHAT'S IT GOOD FOR?//

There's little humor involved in war. What little we can extract doesn't make up for the terrors of battle, the loss of life and the lost time with our loved ones over there. That said, my local FOX news affiliate had a war-related item that struck me as funny. Comparing a photo from Tuesday of a televised Saddam Hussein rant and one from last night would make one draw a few conclusions:

1. One of those guys is not the real Saddam Hussein.
2. Either that, or one has become Puff Daddy Hussein.
3. Do they really think we're that dumb?
4. Should we consider subbing Will Farrell of Saturday Night Live in the White House, just in case there's an attack
5. Nah, SNL wouldn't be as funny if the real President Bush was reduced to sketch comedy

The TV station actually drew the "not really Saddam" conclusion, although an Internet item I just read on the same S.H. speech last night only discussed how different he looked (puffy, strained, wearing reading glasses in public). This whole discussion reminds of the vote on the Elvis stamp. So which Saddam Hussein do you prefer? The "comeback" Hussein in his black leather jacket, or the "Las Vegas" Hussein in white spandex? I'd vote for neither.

That, dear reader, is called pushing the envelope.

//INSTANT SEX SUCCESS//

So Netscape's "love channel" has a little feature on "Five fast ways to be sexier." Here's the breakdown:
1. Exude confidence (even if you're having a bad day, sit up straight and improve your outlook)
2. Treat yourself (listen to soothing music, eat a peach, etc.)
3. Build anticipation (instead of thinking about your crappy day, think of boinking your better half)
4. Be unexpected (go out to dinner, do something wild, greet said better half naked at the door, etc.)
5. Give yourself a hand (self explanatory)

Yeah, I guess those things could make you sexier. But here's Sultriness According to T-Bone:
1. Nothing says love like a 6-pack of Colt .45
2. Taking out the garbage without being asked entitles you to some good lovin'
3. Fantasize about having sex in exciting places (elevators, department-store dressing rooms, Montana)
4. Do something wild: wear sexy underwear on the outside of your clothes
5. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with (yourself)

T-Bone, you're such a romantic! It's a wonder I'm still happily married, isn't it?

//WAR-TIME BAKING SODA//

You know about baking soda ... you can soak up nasty odors with it, brush your teeth, use it to freak out your co-workers by putting it in a box marked "anthrax." Well, duct tape is just as versatile. You might have watched the '80s "MacGyver" TV series and seen our intrepid hero escape harrowing scrapes with nothing but a Swiss Army knife, roll of duct tape and a garter belt. To help you during this tense time, Texas T-Bone has collected the top 10 uses for duct tape:

1. Instant Spring Break swimwear (possibly painful; also use as emergency bra)
2. Hanging pictures around your home
3. Muzzling stray dogs (just kidding! you people are too serious all the time)
4. Muzzling stray children
5. Handy hair accessory for the ladies – just stick and go!
6. Mousetrap
7. Fly paper
8. Emergency automobile tire repair
9. Diet aid – either tape up the fridge or tape up your mouth
10. Sealing duct work (an original thought)

Duct tape and plastic sheeting will only be useful if we're attacked by a band of wayward housepainters and we don't want to get splatters on the linoleum. Duck and cover, baby!

//THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE AIR//

Saw on the news this morning that Dallas is a "BioWatch" city, which means the downtown area features air-quality monitoring equipment that could help detect biohazards in case a chemical weapon is detonated nearby.

Don't you think it's a little ironic that a Metroplex city has this capability? Look at the horizon, in any direction, and you can SEE the pollution wafting around our atmosphere. We have seen the enemy and it is us – the effects of our Lives of Mass Polution have been shown to cause symptoms similar to those created by other biohazards. It just might take a little longer.

Captialism is a fine system, but let's not kid ourselves about the consequences. A little restraint might be worthwhile in the long run. And it might help us breathe a little easier in our corner of this crazy, messed-up world!

Here's a list of things you can do to make Dallas/Fort Worth a better place:
1. When littering, make sure your trash is bio-degradable.
2. Before parking your Massively Gigantic Off-Road Land Yacht at the mall, make sure you're not crushing a small car you could barely see.
3. Insulate your attic with used disposable diapers. This will lighten the load at the dump and make your home more energy-efficient.
4. Walk, bicycle or take the bus or train somewhere instead of hopping in your M.G.O.R.L.Y.
5. Carpool. You've got the room in your M.G.O.R.L.Y.
6. If you're out of cigarettes, climb to the top of a tall building and suck in the pollution fumes. You'll get a weird buzz AND help purify the air!
7. Spay or neuter your pet. Or both, just to be sure.
8. In some cases, spaying or neutering yourself would be beneficial to mankind. (Kidding, it's a joke! Geez!)
9. We should put drunk drivers in M.G.O.R.L.Y.s and have them play smash-up derby in a place where they can't hurt others.
10. Make all the bad drivers move to Houston, where they'll blend in a little better.

Have a great day!

I've got a second interview at a company at which I'm trying to work. Tomorrow at 5 p.m. (Texas Time). Think happy thoughts for the T-bone.

The gig I have now is OK, I guess, but it's time to move on. Need a little distance from this place, and that's just something you can't find nearby. Can't complain too much because I have a job – so it's not the end of the world if New Company says "No, T-bone, we can't offer you the job. We are looking more for Brisket."

Here's the top five reasons I'm ready to find a new job:
1. My boss looks like a taller, meaner version of the principal on "Welcome Back, Kotter"
2. My boss IS a taller, meaner version of that guy, and continues to make up wacky rules ("Thou shalt not have doctor's appointments of Mondays ... Thou shall take vacation days one week at a time ... Thou shalt bow to me for I am Satan. Blaaaaagh!")
3. I consistently receive glowing job performance reviews, but because "the retail climate sucks," I am not given the extra cabbage my work deserves (and my bank account begs for)
4. There's a State Fair Corny Dog factory across the street, and its aroma is enough to make me want to barf. Every day.
5. Sometimes, a man's just got to roam

T-bone, out!

Well, it looks like we're going to War. I'm not sure we can back down after what President Bush has put on the table. So, as average Americans working in the trenches of Capitalism, we are relegated to rallying our troops, praying for a speedy end and hoping this won't happen every few years.

On a lighter note, the following is a list of the five things Saddam Hussein would pack if he decided to flee Iraq before his butt becomes a target.
1. His Dukes of Hazard lunchbox (that Daisy Duke, she's hot)
2. His GI Omar doll (A Real Iraqi Hero)
3. mustache trimmer
4. picture of Mom
5. super-secret map listing all the Cracker Barrel restaurants between Baghdad and Paris, France (an ousted dictator has got to eat; and he loves the cornbread and Stuart's root beer, which he can't get at his local Piggly Wiggly)

God Bless America!

Hey! Have you stumbled upon this Internet Abode of the T-bone and liked what you saw? Wanted to leave a comment but noticed the T-bone is too darn cheap to upgrade his blog? E-mail me by hitting the "contact" hotlink at the top o' the blog. Just had to say that. I mean, if I just wanted to write for myself, I'd get out a pen and paper. Anyone out there?

So, there are two great reasons to consume Drinks of Massive Alcohol this evening. It's Saint Patrick's Day, upon which we all become Irish for one day and wear green (or get pinched – would that be considered harassment?). The second reason, of course, is that we're going to war.

Now is the time to rally around our troops, who are doing their jobs and standing up for the American way of life. Pray for a speedy end to the fighting. Pray that no one will die in vain during this conflict. And rent lots of movies, because President Bush is going to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to tell us what we've been reading about or listening to all day long. This will happen a lot.

Good night, dear reader!

Springtime is hurtling its allergenic fury upon us, and inevitably that means love is in the air. Just ask the cats in my neighborhood!

Netscape.com is the start up page when I log onto the 'Net at work. I usually glance at the stories they feature. If you haven't figured it out, they keep a lot of their content for a long time and just rearrange the features. I'd read this story before (around Valentine's Day), but it was again a large part of this page.

One thing in the article worth mentioning, which centers on Why Humans Kiss, is that the average person spends two weeks of their lifetimes kissing. What does a perpetually single person do with that time? Catch up on e-mail? Write a novella? Garden? What about the above-average kisser? What do they not get done because they're lip-locked with a sweetie?

I think I've given this subject enough lip service!

So I must be doing something, wrong, peeps. You know, I post every few hours (or even more frequently), and yet I don't climb to the top of the list here

Who does T-bone have to cuddle up to for top billing (at least when deserved) around here? Ah, who cares? It's justa blog!

Here's the five reasons it's justa blog:
1. No naked chicks (or guys, either)
2. No late-breaking news and stock updates
3. No free MP3 music downloads of my band, "Technicolor Pirate"
4. No Texas T-Bone T-shirts or window stickers available (yet. don't tempt me.)
5. Nothing to buy. Nothing to see. Justa blog.

Boo hoo!

RANDOM URINAL MOMENT

You know it's a small world when ...

You're "taking care of business" in the men's room, happen to look at the flush apparatus on the urinal and, despite the fact you are peeing in Texas, the toilet pieces were made in your native state of Virigina. By the Delaney Flushboy Company of Charlottesville, to be exact.

Ah, memories of home!

THE GREAT COMPUTER DEBATE

There are two kinds of computer users in the world: PC users and MAC users. In true Texas T-Bone fashion, I've compiled a list of differences between the two.

1. People use PCs; people bond with Macs.
2. Old Macs never die, they are turned into fish tanks and whatnot; PCs become doorstops and rifle targets.
3. PCs most often run Microsoft Windows, a difficult program to navigate unless you've taken a class; Mac OS is fast, simple and intuitive enough for children to start using it almost instantly.
4. Macs set the industry standard for ease of use for Internet design, movie and graphic production and desktop publishing. Doing these things on a PC is like working blindfolded with one arm tied behind your back.
5. The first Apple was built in a garage, not some impersonal lab. How cool is that?
6. Macs have a longer shelf life than PCs because the upgrading possibilities are many.
7. Macs cost more initially, but see No. 6 for a reason to spend more at first. You'll save if you don't have to buy a whole 'nother PC.
8. Macs are pretty (see original iMac, new iMac, iPod, new G4 towers, Apple Pro Mouse and the new notebooks).
9. Friends don't let friends use PCs.
10. When a Mac quits, it's like losing a favorite family pet. When a PC kicks the bucket, it's just another day at the office.

Controversy, T-Bone. You might alienate your lone reader! Nah, that person's probably on a PC, which will crash before my blog loads.
Just kidding! Long live the personal computer, whoever makes it! Can't we all just get along?

I think many of us think we could write "The Great American Novel." Unfortunately, that card has been played and the deck is getting a little thin. What could one possibly write about that hasn't been given attention in myriad best-selling tomes (then made into high-budget blockbuster movies)? Well, here's my list of books I'll write when I find the time. Good thing for the American Reading Public is that I have very little "spare" time as I'm apparently destined to renovate our bathroom into eternity.

T-Bone's Novel-Writing Projects, Volume I:
1. Tales from the Roach Coach. A collection of stories about mobile catering vehicles and the people who love them.
2. Weed Gardening. How-to book on maintenance-free gardens full of weeds; and the people who love them.
3. World Leader Underwear Picture Book. A coffee-table edition that would forever answer the question, "Boxers or briefs?" for all modern world leaders. Plus, readers could find out how well our commanders-in-in chief could control their bodily functions during crises.
4. Washeteria. A collection of fiction centering on the activities of a small-town laundromat.
5. The Secret Life of Forks. Follow a couple of forks on their journey from table, mouth to dishwasher at a small, family owned diner in Ranger, Texas. Story spans their 22 years of service at the diner, and then eventual recycling into a Buick hubcab.

Not being inspired as much by theater, I would nonetheless love to collaborate on "Enron, the Musical" and maybe "Regis Philbin: The Early Years." Anyone want to partner on that?

Happy Monday, people! You can't avoid a Monday, so you might as well grab it by both ears and head-butt this day in the nose! Trust me, you'll feel better.

Thought you (and I mean all one of you) might enjoy this weekend exchange about how my wife and I should spend our tax-return.

T-bone: Maybe we should put it toward a new computer.
Wife of T-bone: No, I want a new bathroom!
T: Yeah, but we could also get a laptop and then you could use it while you were in the bathroom.
W.O.T.: You'd better never e-mail me from in there!

Just be glad, dear reader, that no enterprising compugeek has come up with a way to attach ODORS to e-mail. Then reading junk mail really WOULD stink! Happy Odor-Free Blog Reading!

T-bone, here, taking a break from this beautiful day to post something that few people will read. Good thing I live to write.

You might be thinking, looking at this site: T-bone, why all the lists? Well, that's a good question. And here's five reasons why:

1. Lists are a great way to organize your thoughts and keep track of what you want to say.
2. Um, where was I going with this? Oh yeah.
3. Lists are funny.
4. Marking things off a list after you've done them is a wonderful, wonderful feeling.
5. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Or waste is a terrible thing to mind. Waste not, mind not.

Oh, forget it!

Wastetimus, genie of the Internet, has granted you three wishes. However, they will only come true if you have the most fabulous weekend you can muster. The following are suggestions from Wastetimus for having a great time.

1. Plan a vacation. Even if it's a long way off, it will make you feel better to have a goal.
2. Eat more jalapenos and drink more beer. Lip balm is good for your rear when you've done too much of both.
3. Tell at least five strangers they look nice this weekend. Lie if you have to.
4. Two words: table dance.
5. Don't think about how much you hate your job.
6. Call up a friend you haven't talked to in a while. Don't e-mail them (see No. 8).
7. Go somewhere you never have, like a library, museum or park. Would it kill you to enjoy the finer things in life?
8. Stop looking at the freakin' Internet and go outside! It's b-yootiful out there, but you wouldn't know it because your nose is pressed against your monitor. On that note, shouldn't you be looking at porn or used cars or something? I mean, come on! This blog is good for an occasional chuckle at work, but it's the weeeekend!
9. Blow off your blog. Monday is for catching up on posts, reading other peoples' posts.
10. Log on to this blog a few times next week whenever you're really really bored.

Now, once you've done these 10 things, you are guaranteed a great weekend (or your money back).

What an incredible discovery! My employer has an Internet filter that blocks blogger.com, but not if you go to blogspot.com first. Freaky! Don't know how long this will last, peeps, but I'm bloggin' under the radar!

Guess I'd better make this good. But because I'm tired this evening, and have less than an hour before the official start of Weekend Debauchery, I'll make do with posting "reruns" from my brief guestblogiture at yellowblur.com. I worked hard on this stuff (at least five minutes each entry), so I want a coupla more people to see it before it goes into blog-blivion. Yeah, yeah, making up fake words is dumb (but oh so blogtastic!).

// Who is Texas T-Bone? //

The one or two people who have read my wonderful witticisms the past couple of days might be thinking, who is this Texas T-Bone guy? The following is kind of a "Wednesday Five" to help you, whoever you are, get to know me a little better. Hope it's not cheating that I also wrote the questions!

1. Tell me about yourself, T.
I'm a 29-year-old male, married, one son, live in Fort Worth and work in advertising for a large department store chain (but not the one you think).

2. Why Texas T-Bone?
Thought I was being clever, but a search on Google proved that there are many clever people in the world going by the name of T-Bone. There are even a few Texas T-Bones out there. Considering that, though, I had already left comments on about 30 blogs under the name Texas T-Bone. I'm actually a native of Virginia, but something like Virginia Ham sounds too feminine and doesn't give people a sense of where I live now. Plus, my given name does start with T.

3. If you were a performing circus animal, what would you be?
Flippy the Wonder Ferret

4. What are your passions?
I love the outdoors – running, biking and someday soon I hope, kayaking. My family is up there, too, but I like them better when they're outdoors. Also, photography, road trips and long walks on the beach (in the rain).

5. What does the world need most?
A nap.
posted by Texas T-Bone at 03:00 PM // comments (0) // trackback (0)

// Driving to Distraction //

Turns out, according to a recent, large study, that the most common cause of auto accidents is good, old-fashioned rubbernecking. You know, craning your neck around to see something along the road (usually an existing wreck). However, in an unofficial Texas T-Bone survey, besides rubbernecking, here are the top five things you shouldn't do while driving:

1. Change your pants
2. Catch up on your letter-writing
3. Get a haircut
4. Play Parchisi (or any other board game, for that matter)
5. Yodel

Makes sense, right?
posted by Texas T-Bone at 09:12 AM // comments (0) // trackback (0)

March 11, 2003
// Spring Fever! //

Signs of spring are popping up everywhere! Here are a few things I've noticed today:

1. The weather, at least in Texas, is warming up quite nicely
2. People are starting to mow their weeds – er, lawns
3. I wore shorts last weekend
4. Daylight is lasting beyond the time I get home from work
5. On my jog this morning, I smelled fresh skunk
6. People are leaving weird or overly snarky comments with greater frequency on some of the blogs I've been reading
7. More squirrels than ever are taunting my dog
8. The price of strawberries is starting to drop just a bit
9. We mailed our tax-return yesterday
10. Allergies! Allergies! Allergies!

//ALL HAIL KING JESUS A CAB//

Haven't heard much about the "What Would Jesus Drive" campaign. I attribute that to the movement's proponents being too lazy to get out in the cold weather and leave their warm, slow-moving economy cars.

As a Christian myself, I wasn't offended by the campaign. Simply annoyed. The faith shouldn't be about making people feel guilty about what they drive. Some people NEED large vehicles. Others just WANT them; they have the right to drive land yachts if they want.

Instead, I think the question should be "HOW Would Jesus Drive?" This message would apply to ALL of us with vehicles on the roads, whether we're in a Toyota Echo or a Hummer H2. Though it's probably been explored before, the following is my personal list of rules Jesus would certainly stick to while behind the wheel:

1. The Prince of Peace would never blow by at 80 mph and give you the finger
2. True as it may be, Jesus wouldn't have a bumper sticker that reads, "My Dad can beat up your dad"
3. Praise and worship time being important, Jesus would be willing to share his music with you, but the bass wouldn't thump your innards from 30 yards away
4. Jesus wouldn't pack a pistol beneath the front seat
5. Jesus would observe all posted speed limits and traffic laws
6. Jesus would always wear a seatbelt, and secure children in approved safety seats in the rear passenger compartment
7. Jesus would NEVER drink and drive; He would be the Most Holy of Designated Drivers
8. You would never be cut off in traffic by our Lord and Saviour
9. Jesus would yield when appropriate
10. Though He has the power, He wouldn't likely part the sea of cars oogling the wreck on 635 at Lover's Lane
11. He'd always watch out for pedestrians, who almost always have the right-of-way on side streets
12. He'd never read (even the Bible) or apply makeup while driving
13. Jesus would most certainly park in between the lines, so other cars could easily park on either side of Him
14. Jesus would not tailgate
15. Jesus would not litter
16. Jesus would ALWAYS use his turn signals
17. He would stop and help stranded motorists, pulling safely out of the roadway
18. Jesus, being a good steward of the metal, rubber and plastic He was given, would regularly wash and wax His vehicle
19. The car would be subject to regular maintenance, so as not to be a rolling road hazard
20. Jesus would not use a cell phone while he was moving. Prayer yes, phone no.

More updated stuff to come, including a planned upgrade to allow reader comments and feature more interesting graphics! Come back, y'all!

Finally, Texas T-Bone has his own blog! Aren't you proud? Stay tuned for hip-happening stuff guaranteed to make you laugh, chuckle or smile (or your money back!). Hope to create my own template someday soon, add comments capabilities, etc. In the mean time, visit me often, OK?