I was asked about creating boundaries in relationships that take a heavy toll on us. That's when I thought about the old saying that I've used in my title. So the question is how do you create a "good fence"? Let me suggest one idea by example.

My daughter, a senior, is Band Captain this year and is in the last week of Band Camp. She is also Section Leader for the Clarinet section. It's a busy hectic two weeks. Many new students rely on her for information to survive the two weeks, but she is not used to so many needing her attention. There are two new members in particular who tap into her pretty heavily each day. Ironically, these two members are also clarinet players. We have talked about the role of leaders - the importance of patience and kindness, especially with new people.

I explained that sometimes people are high maintenance because they are insecure. For this reason, I suggusted to her that when she is approached by these students that she turn to face them, given them unerring eye contact, paraphrase what they say to her to be sure THEY know she understands them, and maybe even touch their shoulder if they are anxious. Finally, she should give them a complete answer to their question, then excuse herself to move somewhere else or to someone else. Once the eye contact is broken and the body language says, "I'm done talking to you for this moment, that person probably will get the idea.

I think it is important to give complete attention to the HM person for the moment they demand your attention. It reassures them that you care and that you respect their need for your attention. BUT, by making the conversation as short as possible, as completely tuned in as you can, then physically moving on sets the tone that you can't be accessed in an unlimited way.

There are others who will follow you around or just not understand that the conversation ended. In my classroom, they feel like groupies. It's odd . . . 7th graders are apt to do this more than others, but if I've had an older student several years, it is not unusual to have an 11th or 12th grader "hanging" out with me throughout the day. As a teacher, I have learned to create a professional friendship with my students. I'm pretty relaxed with the students - I call them "my kids" even though I have kids of my own. We talk about a myriad of topics, many of them personal to the students. But there is a clear boundary. I don't share their edgy language and I don't use profanity around them. I don't usually meet them socially in public, but I will attend their games or plays. I expect them to respect a physically appropriate distance, but I will hug a student in distress. I'll give them anything they truly need from desk, locker or purse, but they may not help themselves. And they know that I put my children first before work - always. They understand implicitly that many are there because their parents did not. So, it is expected that I will make my children's needs my priority. Still, I share much of my private life so they can see a different family perspective. Perhaps later on they will make different choices for their own family if they know there are alternatives to what they live now.

I love my students. I don't always like their behavior, but they know that I'm a forgiving person. Yet, I expect them to deal with consequences to inappropiate choices. I don't play victim to them any more than I do to anyone else. If I'm lied to or stolen from, I confront lovingly, but firmly. If I'm disrepected, we talk privately.

Isn't Dr. Phil that popularized the saying, "You teach people how you want to treated"? You have to ask for what you need. If you need space or time, you say, "Give me a minute" or "I'll get back with you."

I frequently wonder about the importance of sharing your opinion, or telling it like it is, or stating the obvious. I really don't mind that you don't share my opinion, so I don't mind telling you what I think. Having said that, I am sure that there are some people who hold to their positions and opinions so doggedly as to be offended by someone who differs.

I've been thinking about what is changed by expressing my opinion. In the best circumstance, one would hope that it would open the doors for new thinking, expand a perspective, perhaps cause a person to gain new insight, help them move on to solutions for their problems.

What I keep forgetting is that most people's agenda has nothing to do with these purposes. On occasion our motivation to speak our mind is to force a change in someone else, not to encourage dialoge which expands our minds.

Case in point: I work with a very small staff in an alternative school. Each of us has differing levels of passion for our work. Each of us is willing to apply ourselves above and beyond the expected to differing degrees. I get pretty annoyed with one staff member's lack of passion and willingness to go the extra mile. I could be so much more encouraging, but I view this person as self-serving and lazy. Unfortunately, I'm also guilty of "reality checks" during staff meetings. When the his BS gets deep, I feel the need to get a shovel out. Did I suggest that we shouldn't use staff development as another boondoggle for the professionally challenged? Yup - I did.

Another case: A recent gathering of band booster parents had one railing against the "machiavellian" discipline techniques of the young drum and pit instructor. The parent felt that the director should "do something" about the instructor. I suggested that the parent should empower their young one (17 years old) to fight her own battles. Um, er, did I say that? Yea, well, that didn't go over well.

Finally, I loved it when the Harry Potter books came out. My then elementary school children devoured the books. I credit these books for motivating my youngest to read for herself. After all, we were raised on pumpkins becoming carriages in fairy tales and were hooked into the fight between Luke and the dark side. Harmless books. Teach your children values. Teach them books can be wonderful fantasy. Teach them to read, read, read! But don't tell the fundamentalist sitting next to you in church that you recommend them highly. That was another interesting moment in the history of opinions.

So, here I am. I really don't intend to offend people, but keeping my mouth shut would be akin to silencing diverse perspectives. Still, I pay a price. Offended people talk. They say things which sometimes can be hurtful, because their opinions become personal attacks.

In the first scenario, I'm not sure that I care. I don't respect this person any longer. On the other hand, I have no choice but to work with him. Still, getting along with people may mean that we don't "fight this one battle".

I guess it goes back to figuring out what people's motivations are. Are they open to a different opinion? Do I have a moral obligation to present a different perspective? Would it matter? I guess if the answers are yes, then I share. If not, I'm spared drama.

Just my opinion . . . what do you think?

When have you ever heard someone say that they had a really good experience with their insurance company?

Quit laughing! I'm not kidding!

My youngest daughter (16 1/2) decided to go into our little town for a vanilla coke about 10 days ago and was rear-ended by a woman who never even hit her brakes. She had stopped for the four-way blinker and proceeded through - I imagine thinking about her trip to Chicago for the weekend - and didn't see that my young one was stopped waiting for traffic to pass in order to make a left hand turn. We figure that the woman's speed was about 25 or 30 mph at impact.

Young One (YO) is okay. She was shaken up, had a bad headache and sore neck for a few days, but she is fun. (I've teased her about being a little more blonde than usual. Unfortunately, that was more true that you could know! The impact has affected her memory a tad.) The car on the other hand - the new one, the one that I've only owned for 2 months, the one I hadn't even sent the first check to the bank on yet - yeah that one . . . 9300 dollars in damages!

My carrier is USAA and the lady who hit us is insured through Encompass. I want to say that both companies have been wonderful. They have been infinitely patient as we navigate the legalities and paperwork. Both have ensured that the car is getting fixed quickly and have called several times to ask after YO's health. Both have answered plenty of questions without the slightest hint that they would not pay for this or that.

This process has been more complex that I expected. I have not ever experienced an accident involving another driver which involved the insurance companies, nor where there was an injury. As I've said, the paperwork is plentiful.

It's a nice feeling to know that an insurance company can take care of business in a caring way. I've never gotten the feeling that their "bottom line" is more important that my child's health or the repair of my car. Yeah!

Yesterday, I began an on-line course called Motivating Boys and Reluctant Readers. Though I've taught Language Arts to 8th through 12th grade students at the Alternative School for 12 years, last year was the first time that I actually taught Reading at the middle school level. It is different and then it's not. I'm not a Reading Specialist, but I need to get smarter about this. My attempt last year was noble, but there are many things that I would do differently. I'm hoping this class will strengthen what I did well, and help me improve my areas of weakness. It comes with the possibility of up to 45 CRU's (15 CRU's is 1 college credit). In order to earn the 45, I have much to do in the next two and a half weeks.

Course requirements include reading three professional articles, three middle school fiction books from the Young Hoosier Awards book list (I've picked Hoot, Red Kayak, and The Teacher's Funeral), and the entire text of Reading Don't Fix No Chevys. All of the above must be followed with reading responses posted to an on-line discussion board. I must also respond to two of my colleagues' responses to each of the six chapters of the text book.

I'm enjoying the reading, but I'm finding it difficult to just sit down to write the responses. Let's see . . . I've checked my mail on both accounts, surfed the 'Net, wrote something out for my daughters about their savings accounts, talked on the phone, fished for a lost earring (that I KNEW I wasn't gonna get back), did the dishes and blogged. . . OK, you've got the picture.

I guess I better get down to business. I'll feel better about this when I just get it done.

If you read my last post, you'll note that this is a hot issue in my family. Being an inveterate problem-solver, I have set about to improve how we communicate. One solution I've suggested came as a bit of epiphany as I'm shouting a retort to my beloved that I ought to write every "beepin'" thing I say down on a piece of paper for him . . .

Yeah, I know you know what I'm saying.

My solution? I've taken a standard spiral bound notebook, labeled it The Family Log, and initiated its use yesterday. We will write down notes to each other such as incoming phone messages, whether or not the dog has been out for her morning constitutional and has been fed, comments about changes in daily schedules, requests such as those from our daughters for the usual - money, field trip requests, notes to attendance secretaries, etc. and other such mundane things.

Of course, this wonderful idea didn't help when I discovered that my daughters took the bus today inspite of the fact one of them has a doctor's appointment after school and now will be late if I don't drive 30 minutes north to pick her up thereby screwing up my afternoon to run errands. This would have been a good day for her to remember that I told her to drive and to take her little body to the office so that I can meet her there.

Welcome to my life.

If the hormones were at fault, you might be likely to anger more quickly - possibly. But does that preclude an inciting event? It drives me crazy to talk to people that can't give you a straight answer when asked a point-blank question. How hard it that???

I know why a person diverts to a different topic when put on the spot. The obvious answer is to avoid the point-blank question or issue. Obfuscating the real issue allows a person to create a distraction. The real masters at this game are the ones who can distract long enough to cast blame in the distraction. Now they're off the hook, you're still pissed off but for new reasons, and you are left looking like the problem. Do you follow?

A circle or switch-back is a dangerous and ugly way to communicate if you are locked in "wedded matrimony" It's hard to trust someone who can't give you a straight answer, nor someone who is shifts blame. It's dangerous ground.

These days I wake up with pain in my back, my fingers stiff, a little more tired that usual. But I wake up. My legs work; my fingers bend - sort of. I make my beloved morning coffee. And I start my day which begins and ends at break-neck speed - once my coffee kicks in.

Everyday I hear about someone who has died, someone who has gone on disability, someone whose quality of life is compromised. I'm grateful for getting out of bed. I'm so glad my personal cheering section doesn't see me at 4:45 when my alarm clock goes off. It's not too pretty. By 6:15 - coffee time at the YMCA - the guys - gentlemen, all - remind me that being a woman is a good thing.

I work with teens - the toughest crowd there is. They're incredible fun (sometimes an incredible pain in the ass). Even they are very complimentary. It's wonderful that a teen thinks you're cool, still "got it", still "rocks".

Wow!! How could 50 be so bad???

What do I like about 50? Some things just don't matter - really. Beds made everyday, four course meals every night, a perfect coif, the latest in make-up, a little dirt on the floor, a few weeds in the garden. I'm not saying that I've given up total perfection! I just save up my energy for the stuff that I really enjoy or that really matters.

Naps are good. Getting lost in a great book - priceless. A card game with a child - can't be replaced. A lost,lazy afternoon with your loved one - to be repeated over and over.

I think I'm getting in right - just in time.

Think about this, now. How often have we said that we're surprised by how different two siblings can be? Apparently, that's our Martha and Mary. And, with all the ensuant conflict as well. Martha (I don't think it's a bit ironic that Martha Stewart reigns over the domestic world!) is making a meal - no small feat 2000 years ago. No gas stove, no refridgeration. No sir, this chick probably was butchering and spitting the meat and building the fire in the pit just to get her little dinner party going. (And we whine about the water spots on the crystal!)

Anyway, Mary had the unmitigated gall to sit before Jesus' feet! Sitting on her tush, probably chewing on a piece of jerky with a wine chaser, and waxing poetically about the desert sunsets.

Excuse me! Could I get a little help here!?

The second is an article from the December 2006/January 2007 issue of the magazine, MORE, a magazine written for women 40 and above. I really like this magazine - relevant to my life at this time and inspiring. The article is called "10 Things to Know Before You Change Your Life" by Susan Crandell, the author of a book called Thinking About Tomorrow. The article seemed to mirror the advice in The Alchemist. Ms. Crandell shares retrospective wisdom about what she calls "reinventing" yourself - that desire for a second (or third) career, the drive to do what you've always wanted to do, the culmination of that moment when you realize you are not any longer doing what you were meant to do. She offers an apt metaphor for the confidence necessary to move on. She says to "picture how effortlessly chimps move through the trees. As they swing one arm forward they let go with the other; they know they'll be able to grab the next branch." What do we need to "let go" of in order to move freely to the next stop, step, or milestone? Do we need to let go of other's expectations of us? What about stuck-in-a-rut behaviors? And, self-doubt?

That's just one of her insights - there are nine more. They are impressive examples of deep-dive thinking - soul searching at its best. And worth the distraction on your way to your treasure.

I've often thought that retirement is not the time for the rocking chair and knitting needles. It is my opportunity to do one more thing I've always wanted to pursue. With undistracted confidence, with belief that an old dog can learn new tricks, and a sound ignorance toward badly behaving people, I will reinvent myself some day.

I've been thinking about topics to post about. Our impending snow storm just may be the opportunity to do that. (Teachers LOVE snow days!!) I do have some grading that will need my attention and I just started Barak Obama's book The Audacity of Hope, so there's competition for my bloggin time. I figure if I get to the computer first thing in the morning, I'll beat my teenagers to it and I'll grind a few thoughts out.

What are YOU reading these days??

A friend of mine at work and I joined last week. I'm following the Flex plan - counting points. (I'm also following the guidelines of the Sonoma diet which is the way I'd like to learn to eat when I shift to maintenance.) Very painless, and at least this week I haven't been hungry. I lost 3.6 pounds at my weigh-in yesterday. Yeah, me! Except that my friend only lost a pound, and I think she's a little upset. I'd give her my loss if it would encourage her.

I taped pictures of cute swim suits on my bathroom mirror and hung my favorite pair of shorts - ones that I can't get into at the moment - right where I have to look at them everyday. I never go anywhere without my diary and my points book. I think having to write everything down is very convicting, just as weighing in at Weight Watchers once a week. Can't cheat.

Still, I plan to allow myself one day when I don't write down points and I don't worry about what I'm eating. The only rule is that I don't eat unless I'm hungry. I think you have to allow yourself whatever treat you desire on occasion, or you become victimized by "the rules".

Yep, Panera's 4 cheese souffle. 12 points. I ate it all. I didn't remorse over the points. Interestingly enough, I enjoyed it without guilt and wasn't really hungry the rest of the day. No fretting, just enjoyed the creamy goodness.

My friend and I agreed that we would stay on this for three months. From now until April 12th. My goal is to lose 15 pounds in 12 weeks. My husband and I have talked about a "little" vacation to a sunny spot with white sand and blue ocean. I'm hoping for a new bathing suit . . . something little.

The surgery went fairly quickly. The surgeon closed off the main vein feeding the varicosities using laser technology. This wasn't done the first time and caused a pooling of intramuscular bleeding. My bruises were huge and took weeks to fade. After sealing this vein from groin to knee, he then removed the offending veins from the knee to the ankle.

I was sent home to keep my leg elevated for a few days. I recall that the first time we did this, I had to wear comprehesion hose for one month. This was a cinch compared to last time. My wounds were wrapped in guaze and then tightly wrapped with a huge ace bandage. I had to keep the ace on until Tuesday morning, then return for an ultrasound to ensure that the surgery was effective and that there were not blood clots.

All good. Except that I found that I was weak as a puppy the first two days back at work. I don't quite remember that part happening last time. I'm not THAT much older. REALLY. I didn't have to challenge my energy the first few days since I was supposed to have my leg elevated. But chasing middle schoolers and enduring vigorous debate with high schoolers just wore me out!

I'm feeling much better and looking forward to getting back to my walking. I know, I know . . . start slow and work up.

I remember feeling somewhat ripped from my home in 1970, sitting in my bedroom as a young teen, waiting for the night atmosphere to "free" up just right so that I could get a scratchy WLS clear down in the sticks of Missouri. Another Chicago great. I don't listen to WLS anymore even though I still like the rock and roll that they played back them. It seems like a miracle to hear the station from so far away. My dad tried to explain the phenomena, but alas! the explanation was lost on me.

Anyway, my current stream of thoughts relates to the clarity of the sound coming from my computer speakers. I listen to WNUA from my Internet connection. So cool. My students are amused to hear about how traffic is going along Lake Shore Drive in the morning.

What did we do before computers? Do you remember what life was like before our home PCs were the central focus of our living room floor plans? What about cell phones? Somehow we survived! I'm sure I wrote more letters, read more books, actually did research in a library, called on a rotary phone. Remember those? I hated the 9 and 0 - took too long to get back around. And I miss having a book in my hands - I still go to the library. A book - there's something sacred about books. Historical markers, cultural concrete.

My students and I were talking about 8-track tapes today. There's such a revulsion for old, out-of-date or antiquated items. I can't say that I'd want to bring 8-tracks back, but there's no need to get nasty!

Technology. Not all bad. What patterns of behavior, traditions, or things should we make an effort to hang on to as technology advances?