Isn't that how the saying goes? We've been talking about managing high maintenance (HM) people in our lives with Buffy and friends at Arrrgh!!! (I'd make this a link, but I'm temporarily brain dead.)
I was asked about creating boundaries in relationships that take a heavy toll on us. That's when I thought about the old saying that I've used in my title. So the question is how do you create a "good fence"? Let me suggest one idea by example.
My daughter, a senior, is Band Captain this year and is in the last week of Band Camp. She is also Section Leader for the Clarinet section. It's a busy hectic two weeks. Many new students rely on her for information to survive the two weeks, but she is not used to so many needing her attention. There are two new members in particular who tap into her pretty heavily each day. Ironically, these two members are also clarinet players. We have talked about the role of leaders - the importance of patience and kindness, especially with new people.
I explained that sometimes people are high maintenance because they are insecure. For this reason, I suggusted to her that when she is approached by these students that she turn to face them, given them unerring eye contact, paraphrase what they say to her to be sure THEY know she understands them, and maybe even touch their shoulder if they are anxious. Finally, she should give them a complete answer to their question, then excuse herself to move somewhere else or to someone else. Once the eye contact is broken and the body language says, "I'm done talking to you for this moment, that person probably will get the idea.
I think it is important to give complete attention to the HM person for the moment they demand your attention. It reassures them that you care and that you respect their need for your attention. BUT, by making the conversation as short as possible, as completely tuned in as you can, then physically moving on sets the tone that you can't be accessed in an unlimited way.
There are others who will follow you around or just not understand that the conversation ended. In my classroom, they feel like groupies. It's odd . . . 7th graders are apt to do this more than others, but if I've had an older student several years, it is not unusual to have an 11th or 12th grader "hanging" out with me throughout the day. As a teacher, I have learned to create a professional friendship with my students. I'm pretty relaxed with the students - I call them "my kids" even though I have kids of my own. We talk about a myriad of topics, many of them personal to the students. But there is a clear boundary. I don't share their edgy language and I don't use profanity around them. I don't usually meet them socially in public, but I will attend their games or plays. I expect them to respect a physically appropriate distance, but I will hug a student in distress. I'll give them anything they truly need from desk, locker or purse, but they may not help themselves. And they know that I put my children first before work - always. They understand implicitly that many are there because their parents did not. So, it is expected that I will make my children's needs my priority. Still, I share much of my private life so they can see a different family perspective. Perhaps later on they will make different choices for their own family if they know there are alternatives to what they live now.
I love my students. I don't always like their behavior, but they know that I'm a forgiving person. Yet, I expect them to deal with consequences to inappropiate choices. I don't play victim to them any more than I do to anyone else. If I'm lied to or stolen from, I confront lovingly, but firmly. If I'm disrepected, we talk privately.
Isn't Dr. Phil that popularized the saying, "You teach people how you want to treated"? You have to ask for what you need. If you need space or time, you say, "Give me a minute" or "I'll get back with you."
