July 2007 Archives

This whole setting boundaries thing forced me to apply my words this weekend. After spending upwards of 10 - 12 hours most days in the last two weeks at my daughter's Band Camp to prepare and serve food in the morning and fit uniforms and run errands for the Directors in the afternoon, I was asked to use my Sunday to work a 14 hour grueling shift at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway working as a runner delivering beverages to the suites during the race. Oh, I know you think that sounds exciting, but you can't image the fatigue at the end of the day.

Isn't that how the saying goes? We've been talking about managing high maintenance (HM) people in our lives with Buffy and friends at Arrrgh!!! (I'd make this a link, but I'm temporarily brain dead.)

I was asked about creating boundaries in relationships that take a heavy toll on us. That's when I thought about the old saying that I've used in my title. So the question is how do you create a "good fence"? Let me suggest one idea by example.

My daughter, a senior, is Band Captain this year and is in the last week of Band Camp. She is also Section Leader for the Clarinet section. It's a busy hectic two weeks. Many new students rely on her for information to survive the two weeks, but she is not used to so many needing her attention. There are two new members in particular who tap into her pretty heavily each day. Ironically, these two members are also clarinet players. We have talked about the role of leaders - the importance of patience and kindness, especially with new people.

I explained that sometimes people are high maintenance because they are insecure. For this reason, I suggusted to her that when she is approached by these students that she turn to face them, given them unerring eye contact, paraphrase what they say to her to be sure THEY know she understands them, and maybe even touch their shoulder if they are anxious. Finally, she should give them a complete answer to their question, then excuse herself to move somewhere else or to someone else. Once the eye contact is broken and the body language says, "I'm done talking to you for this moment, that person probably will get the idea.

I think it is important to give complete attention to the HM person for the moment they demand your attention. It reassures them that you care and that you respect their need for your attention. BUT, by making the conversation as short as possible, as completely tuned in as you can, then physically moving on sets the tone that you can't be accessed in an unlimited way.

There are others who will follow you around or just not understand that the conversation ended. In my classroom, they feel like groupies. It's odd . . . 7th graders are apt to do this more than others, but if I've had an older student several years, it is not unusual to have an 11th or 12th grader "hanging" out with me throughout the day. As a teacher, I have learned to create a professional friendship with my students. I'm pretty relaxed with the students - I call them "my kids" even though I have kids of my own. We talk about a myriad of topics, many of them personal to the students. But there is a clear boundary. I don't share their edgy language and I don't use profanity around them. I don't usually meet them socially in public, but I will attend their games or plays. I expect them to respect a physically appropriate distance, but I will hug a student in distress. I'll give them anything they truly need from desk, locker or purse, but they may not help themselves. And they know that I put my children first before work - always. They understand implicitly that many are there because their parents did not. So, it is expected that I will make my children's needs my priority. Still, I share much of my private life so they can see a different family perspective. Perhaps later on they will make different choices for their own family if they know there are alternatives to what they live now.

I love my students. I don't always like their behavior, but they know that I'm a forgiving person. Yet, I expect them to deal with consequences to inappropiate choices. I don't play victim to them any more than I do to anyone else. If I'm lied to or stolen from, I confront lovingly, but firmly. If I'm disrepected, we talk privately.

Isn't Dr. Phil that popularized the saying, "You teach people how you want to treated"? You have to ask for what you need. If you need space or time, you say, "Give me a minute" or "I'll get back with you."

I have a new site design!! Sleep seems to be escaping me tonight, so I thought I would take a look at it. Thank you, T!!! That inspires me to share a thought . . .

I frequently wonder about the importance of sharing your opinion, or telling it like it is, or stating the obvious. I really don't mind that you don't share my opinion, so I don't mind telling you what I think. Having said that, I am sure that there are some people who hold to their positions and opinions so doggedly as to be offended by someone who differs.

I've been thinking about what is changed by expressing my opinion. In the best circumstance, one would hope that it would open the doors for new thinking, expand a perspective, perhaps cause a person to gain new insight, help them move on to solutions for their problems.

What I keep forgetting is that most people's agenda has nothing to do with these purposes. On occasion our motivation to speak our mind is to force a change in someone else, not to encourage dialoge which expands our minds.

Case in point: I work with a very small staff in an alternative school. Each of us has differing levels of passion for our work. Each of us is willing to apply ourselves above and beyond the expected to differing degrees. I get pretty annoyed with one staff member's lack of passion and willingness to go the extra mile. I could be so much more encouraging, but I view this person as self-serving and lazy. Unfortunately, I'm also guilty of "reality checks" during staff meetings. When the his BS gets deep, I feel the need to get a shovel out. Did I suggest that we shouldn't use staff development as another boondoggle for the professionally challenged? Yup - I did.

Another case: A recent gathering of band booster parents had one railing against the "machiavellian" discipline techniques of the young drum and pit instructor. The parent felt that the director should "do something" about the instructor. I suggested that the parent should empower their young one (17 years old) to fight her own battles. Um, er, did I say that? Yea, well, that didn't go over well.

Finally, I loved it when the Harry Potter books came out. My then elementary school children devoured the books. I credit these books for motivating my youngest to read for herself. After all, we were raised on pumpkins becoming carriages in fairy tales and were hooked into the fight between Luke and the dark side. Harmless books. Teach your children values. Teach them books can be wonderful fantasy. Teach them to read, read, read! But don't tell the fundamentalist sitting next to you in church that you recommend them highly. That was another interesting moment in the history of opinions.

So, here I am. I really don't intend to offend people, but keeping my mouth shut would be akin to silencing diverse perspectives. Still, I pay a price. Offended people talk. They say things which sometimes can be hurtful, because their opinions become personal attacks.

In the first scenario, I'm not sure that I care. I don't respect this person any longer. On the other hand, I have no choice but to work with him. Still, getting along with people may mean that we don't "fight this one battle".

I guess it goes back to figuring out what people's motivations are. Are they open to a different opinion? Do I have a moral obligation to present a different perspective? Would it matter? I guess if the answers are yes, then I share. If not, I'm spared drama.

Just my opinion . . . what do you think?

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