One of the gifts of getting older is the ability to listen more carefully - especially to yourself. In my youth, I was apt to - even preferred to - blunder in and through a project or a challenge. I liked the mess of it all. Looking at all the features all at once, getting immersed almost to the point of confusion. In fact, it was pure joy to untangle the ball of yarn in order to discover some kind of order and set about an effective procedure for managing the project of challenge. I loved problem solving - creating solutions more than actually effecting them.
Not that I no longer like the challenge of a complex project or solving a problem, I would say that I'd rather measure out my energy differently. I have discovered an introspection that hasn't really been there before.
I'm not quite ready to concede that this gift of quiet thoughtfulness is so much better than a tight ass or a flawless skin (who had that anyway!!), still I'm enjoying it. My own growing experience with this skill has a curious twist. Sometimes I feel as if I'm looking at my life from a third-person perspective. Probably a result of the mercurial status of my hormones, but nonetheless, this "out of body"-ish perspective has offered me a number of insights about life and growing older.
1. My 'other perspective' said, "Why are you killing youself over the details? Nobody cares but you!" Most of what I get uptight about has no significance. In fifty years - or even five - no one will ever remember that my kitchen floor was dirty or that I didn't grade every single essay or composition using a rubric (I'd to think that I have enough writing savvy to know a good one from a piece of crap.)
2. My 'other perspective' said, "Wouldn't it be more peaceful to respond thoughtfully then to react tearfully?" When I am upset about something, it is common that I have missed the real issue. I should be upset, but I am for the wrong reason. Raising teenage daughters creates plenty of overly hormonal moments that cause over-reactions to the dumbest things. With everybody yelling and slamming doors, it's a wonder we know what we're yelling and slamming doors about! Once inside the sanctity of my bedroom, I'm amazed at the understanding I gain from the quiet solitude. Without the constant press of teenage urgency, I am, once again, able to unravel the mess and create solutions.
3. My 'other perspective' said, "Why are you taking that?" I don't need to be somebody's target or victim. I never have taken crap from people, yet there is something about family that breaks you down. I love my daughters, but I think I am doing them a disservice by accepting their bad attitudes, bad manners, and bad habits. Don't take me wrong, I do believe they are good people. But they don't hesitate to say or do things to me that they wouldn't never say to anyone else. No mother should take that. I'm done taking their crap. I have no problem taking car keys and cell phones away. (Tell me how it is that a 16 year old can at once be insolent, spoiled and ungrateful and have her hand out for gas money and permission to run around with her boyfriend??? SOMEBODY EXPLAIN THAT!)
4. My 'other perspective' said, "Why are you working so hard for someone who cares less what you do?" A corollary to #3. . . I don't plan to waste a lot more time doing things for ungrateful people. I could be convinced that there is a bigger picture, but they'd better work hard at the convincing. Most people I work with and are friends with are wonderful and appreciative. It's the 20 percent that take up 80 percent of my energy. Isn't that a management law?
5. My 'other perspective' said, "Quiet is good. Get some. Quick! Hide!" The solace of a quiet room - door locked - is worth more than money can buy.
Motel 6 looks pretty good these days.
Yes, the 80-20 law of management says that one can accomplish 80% of one's goals while expending 20% of one's resources--meaning that the remaining 20% of one's goals will require the expenditure of four times the resources. The thing is to know when something is "good enough"--and quit expending resources.
Simplify, simplify, simplify was my mantra some 30 years ago. It really helped me. It didn't really help my family, but it helped me. Good luck in finding your peace.
I certainly can relate to these thoughts. I am well immersed in reflective time. My favorite however is #3. Where once I was always the one to back down, compromise, back off, now I am finally mature enough I will stick to my guns when pressed. And I find it such a relief to be confident in who I am regardless of other's importance. When it comes to the kids (now all on their own), I nag them a whole lot, but they listen. They realized long ago I had to have my say. But not that long ago I realized that my girls are not necessarily going to be clones of myself with my values, my impression of success, my opinions, or even my values. It was a bit disappointing to realize that, but since then life has been a whole lot easier. So I keep talking, they pretend to listen amiably, and whether they heed or not is a small matter with the system we have worked out.
I just re-read that comment, Nan, and to eliminate confusion, what I meant when I referred to #3 as my favorite was your first sentence. The boldness one has to shut down any disrespectful crap as one ages.
Hmmmmm...about #1...
I've heard ths perspective from those who live in this house. Elegante Mother accuses me of getting into a tizzy when the family comes for Thanksgiving. Dear Husband has tried to suggest lowering my expectations and worrying a little less about linen table cloths, and the FAMILY has suggested (for the past five or six years) that we should consider using paper plates (the ultimate heresy at Thanksgiving.)
I think we have to decide what really pleases us, and do it as long as we can. In my case, that involves tables with flowers and china and tablecloths and cloth napkins at Thanksgiving. Why have those things if you never use them??
Yes, I'll pay for the standing I do for the days before Thanksgiving, but I WANT to do this until I don't have the option any longer.
We used to go whole hog when you brought the girls to us at Christmas. Now, we tend to be a lot more laid back. This year we didn't put up a "live" tree, and I used fake garland, rather than messing about with evergreens. They were good choices. We focused instead on gifts, and spent more relaxed time with each other.
You and I know what works for us. My obsession with some of the details changed over the years. Perhaps yours will too, but only when YOU are willing to make the change.
Make the change when it is right for you, sis.
and about #3....I definitely think that it's fine not to be a slave to rude children. I know that you an the Major will see to it that they have clothes to wear and a roof over their head and food to eat, and transportation to and from school. I know that you love the girls, too.
But you don't need to shower them with gifts when they are rude. Now is a good time to learn about the real world.
btw....TT and CF...if you're reading this, I love you!
Absolutely wonderful entry :~) So much of what you said plucked at chords of familiarity with me. The change with age from bulldozer boldness to architect astuteness in dealing with life's conundrums (and life in general) is one that is incomplete in me, and there is a small (maybe not so small) portion of me that is glad...even proud.. of that. I still am tenacious, I still dive into the midst of a problem and start pulling on ends to try and unravel the tangle..but I find that intuitively now, there is a thought process that happens almost instantaneously and (if I'm lucky) in unison with the tugs on unraveling skeins of yarn that make it a bit less .... messy ...a bit less unpredictable..than in my youth. But there is still that "hands on" approach that I attacked life with as a youth.
I like your #2 best... though I don't have kids to add to the turmoil, I find a concious effort to ...not deny my emotions..but to pause the space of a breath before wallowing in them to let the brain sift through the facts and filter the results before yielding to pure emotion.
Come on, come onnnnnnnnn......where's part three??