MAY 17 2005

silence

Rants

yes, I know I’ve been quiet lately, after working 95 hours last week it barely left time for sleep, much less posting. So you know something must really be bothering me for me to post, especially what I’m about to.
I’ve never really thought of myself as the type to get on her ‘high horse’, I’ve always thought of a very decent judge of character, and I’ve always thought myself to be loyal to a fault, even when I knew things weren’t right, even when everyone around me told me differently, if you were my friend I would defend you to my dying day. period.
I’ve done some changing over the last year, I’ll be the first to admit that. Perhaps not all for the better, definitely not all for the worst, I’ve been lax in some things, people I used to talk to on a daily basis I no longer talk to as regularly, and I’ve had more than one (hell, more than 10) tell me the reason why those people took such an issue with that fact is they were jealous, they had been used to having me pretty much to themselves for a time on a daily basis and got upset when they no longer did…and I’m sorry to say friendships changed over that. When it was always my opinion before that your true friends would understand such things…
when I first moved to FL, my phone was roaming, I was staying with friends and didn’t feel comfortable having anyone call me there, not that they would have minded, but it wasn’t my phone. when I got a job and my own place, the last thing I wanted to do was sit home, hell, I’d been forced to do that for years! I was working days, I couldn’t stay up all night and talk anymore. I had bills I was trying to pay and kids I was trying to go see.
So, I did see my kids…and I met M, lost jobs, found new ones, changed them a few times, and now I’m in the situation I’m in now.
My friends also did the same, found jobs, had responsibilities, and for the most part, when I could have called (meaning, not being around someone and being considered rude for talking on the phone) they were still at work, or I was, so conflicting schedules were a factor.
Over 4 months ago, I called this someone I’ve called friend for years, someone who’s stood by me through the rough times, and I thought she felt I had done the same, and I wanted to share the good news with her, to say her reaction was a major letdown would be putting it mildly, at least, that’s what it felt like to me…no matter how much she swore that was not the case, that she was happy for me, You have a hard time changing that initial impression.
Then two months ago, or thereabouts, this same person takes up a relationship with my ex husband, “for the boys”… and I tried to believe this reasoning, defended her to friends that tried to say otherwise, and truly wanted to trust her, no matter how hard that was.
I have tried never to judge this person in her life, everyone believes differently and I try to respect that, even when they tell me how I need to ‘be careful’ around her children if I bring my partner to visit her family. There are a lot of things I don’t agree with that go on in HER life, but I guess I don’t feel as free to discuss them like she does.
No, I don’t call my children every night, and I’ve tried to explain the reason to her. Even though I do truly believe the saying that used to grace the top of this blog “never explain, your friends don’t need it, and your enemies won’t believe you anyway”
but it hurts to talk to my kids, especially when they blow hot and cold on whether or not to come see me, due to what they’ve been told and who they’ve been around that day. it pains me because I don’t see them every day, and I usually am in tears every time I talk to them, and that has been the case for the last year…
Do I love them any less? Do I think about them any less? Does my heart ache any less because of that, HELL NO!! there is not a moment in any day that goes by I don’t think of them, I’ve cried more in this last year than I have in my entire life, and having someone remind me that my children are still there with HIM :shakehead, I don’t need it, I’m very aware of it.
The last thing that bothers me, before I close this book, is the way you can talk about someone behind their back about what a horrible person they are, and how horrible someone is to another person, yet, 2 minutes later, they’re your dear friend and best buddy again…
it really makes me wonder about things you say about your other ‘friends’ when they’re not around


oh, btw, I’m not ‘judging’ the president, I’m judging his policy, and the way he’s trying to write descrimination into our country’s constitution. Major difference there, since I pay his salary!

  • superfreak on said:

    Okay. I’m pissed. For one thing, you shouldn’t have to explain yourself to ANYONE!! This is an issue between you and your kids. It is none of anyone’s business. And, if she was a true friend, she would already know this about you, and would have no need to discuss it. I have not known you all that long, and I understand what’s going on, and how you feel about your kids, and why you do the things you do. She has known you for how long? Who the hell does she think she is anyway? In all reality, if she was your friend, she should be much more worried about your feelings than your ex-husband’s. So, why isn’t she holding him accountable? He has just as much to do with it as you do, if not more.
    I love you T. And if people are that pissed off that you’re happy, and their lives are miserable, FUCK EM!! You don’t need them. Your TRUE friends are happy for you, and undersand where you are coming from.

  • superfreak on said:

    Oh. One other thing….Don’t rent space in your head. Move on. You have a wonderful life ahead of you, live it, and don’t sweat the small shit! You know who you are, and why you do what you do. You have no reason to explain yourself to anyone.

  • ranran on said:

    Well you do have to explain yourself to me dammit! Big difference here being is that I am your best friend and love you reguardless. I don’t tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. I don’t force anything down your throat. And I sure as hell don’t carry on any conversations with your abusive discriminating husband. I tell you how I feel about what is going on (the same as you have done for me a million times) and that is the end.
    T you have spent numerous years being miserable to appease someone else … parents, husband, etc. in the end you were not HAPPY. So God forbid this one time in your fucking life you actually look out for you and not everyone else. Because let me tell you one big difference I see in you since I met you over a year ago YOU SMILE!!
    So NO I would not trust people that are talking to your X, for whatever reason they are talking to him.
    Don’t explain yourself T. You never had to before so don’t start now.

  • Kristi on said:

    oh boy… y’all are both in a bad position here. Yes, her feelings were hurt over the change in relationship between you two. She says it’s hurtful that when she calls you, you spend more time talking to the people at your house than you do on the phone. I know you have to be hurting over the situation with the kids, because I had to deal with the same thing, albeit that it was only 3 months and I knew they’d be there then. But I cried myself to sleep every night. To help ease that pain I called my kids every day, sometimes twice a day during the summer. I think that not talking to them (expecially since you cry almost every time is just as “normal”, whatever NORMAL is) to avoid hurting. Humans instinctively avoid pain. I think that her issue was more about the Mother’s Day gift situation than anything else.
    She has never shyed away from speaking her opinion, whether you want it or not but I believe that she truly thinks of it as helping. Sometimes, when we’re in the thick of it, you don’t get a realistic view of the situation and it can help to have someone else give you a different perspective.
    The situation with your exhusband and her talking is, admittedly, strange. I believe that he contacted her first (if I remember right… who knows?) and she just decided to be nice to him so that the kids didn’t get put in a position that they hated her because he told them bad things about her. Maybe there is a part of her that is trying to hurt you as payback (whether intentional or subconscious) for her own hurt feelings. I don’t know.
    I hope that you two repair the relationship. You’ve been best friends for so long! And it’s been no secret, from day one, her stance on your lifestyle, but she loved YOU… just like she did “L” a few years ago.
    Yes she’s opinionated, yes she’s said things about me (I’ve always understood that). At times it makes me angry, but I understand that is just a manifestation of hurt feelings and anger with her. Somehow, when things have happened in the past, we can pick up the phone a few days/weeks/months later and it’s all dealt with. I hope the two of you will do that now. She and I have been friends for upwards of 7 years, but the two of you have been BEST friends! Y’all know everything about eachother. Just give it some time… don’t close the door on that relationship. I learned a few years ago just how much those closed doors came back to haunt me. As a result, I’ve worked hard to get those relationships back to being, at the very least, civilized. Holding on to that hurt and anger will end up making EVERYthing in your life worse, especially since you’re already in so much pain because of the situation with your kids.
    I’m sorry this is so long. I really do hope y’all work through this because the whole “fight” seems to be a result of both of you being in pain.

  • Tara on said:

    T – I’m here for you if you need someone. I won’t post my opinion on this situation here because I’ve not been close enough to it to post an educated post. I do know, however, that you do love your children and miss them dearly. Anyone that uses your children as a method to “get back at you” or hurt you is just fucking cruel. Period.

  • ranran on said:

    I could not agree with you more Tara. I have been in situations where my best friend has done things to get back at me because they were angry or hurt at the things I done. And trust me it hurt like hell, but in the end I walked away for a little while, and removed myself from the situation, and now that we have reunited things are better than ever and more on track than ever. We both learned alot from our time apart. I don’t know if that is what you need right now T, time away, but if it will help ease your pain for right now then I say do it. If she is truly your best friend, and I know you guys are yall both will meet back in the middle when the dusts settles. But let what’s going on in these blogs be a lesson to both and move on.
    (But I still don’t agree with talking to the X at all)

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